So I wrote a really long entry a couple days ago but then my internet connection died and I lost the entire entry and gave up and went to sleep. I guess I should probably write since I haven't said anything in a while. Presently I really don't know what I feel. I kinda had a week of being overly emotional and upset a lot and then I had a week of forcing myself to completely internalize. Then I saw the shrink and spent over half of the session being detached but it got to me cuz it made me want to scream so I ended up letting her get to me and was in tears. Then I started hating myself. Wanted to hurt myself when I got out and almost tried to bash my head against the wall but then a person came so I wasn't really able to do it hard or anything. After that was an almost 2 day depressive episode in which I basically slept a lot and didn't really get out of my bed much at all. Since then idk where I really stand. Saturday afternoon I went out with my roommate and went to the mall, had icecream, and saw a movie and it was kinda fun. Since then I guess I have been internalizing but less forced. I haven't really been trying so hard to control my mind because I really don't know what I think or what I want to do. I was thinking about it tonight and I have been in pretty good mood when I am at school and have been managing to function. Yesterday I managed to spend over 3 hours writing a paper and finished it tonight. Honestly I should have written the paper weeks ago, but the fact that I managed to do it without freaking out is something that is normally difficult. I seem to be pretty "happy" during the day. When I get home I have a lot of anxiety and have been depressed. I haven't let myself get completely consumed by it but I definatley feel it. I think the pressure of it is getting to me though because I keep having chest pains and been doing the weird thing where I kinda can't move for a couple seconds. I freaked my roommate out yesterday cuz she was sitting with me in the library and I kinda collapsed in the couch and apparently my eyes rolled back in my head and I wasn't responding because I can't move for several seconds. Idk, its weird but it happens sometimes. Idk if I have just been dehydrated or if it is stress or what, but I guess it doesn't really matter.

So as I just wrote all of that I feel like it is something that I might let my shrink actually read. It pretty much sumarizes how I have felt for the past week or so. I really feel like I should write more but I am not very focused at the moment. I guess I will try to write more later when I can think more.

So I am feeling really anxious about seeing my shrink today and so I figured I should probably write so I can look at how I feel more analytically. I am anxious because I don't know how she is going to react and how I am going to react. I am being detached but she might get to me. I have managed to internalize everything over the past week but it has only been a week. She spent months getting past that and right now I feel like I am still vulnerable. I also don't know how much I want to tell her the truth. Like technically if you look only at how I am doing externally things are soo much better. I appear happier, I am getting more stuff done, I am functioning, I am less upset, etc. I am acting like a normal college student which I guess is the goal. Actually I am trying to act more like the overachieving student, but same idea. The thing is, I am somehow doubting that she will simply accept that I am better. With all we have talked it is completely illogical to believe that I can completely turn around in a week. I guess I am also worried about the whole anger and upset thing. I have realized that they are not rational emotions but it does take a lot ot control them. I have been in pretty much control the past few days and can easily smile and say that I am completley over it but I know internally there is a part of me that can't get over it. I am choosing the logical and rational set of actions right now which is easier and in my mind makes more sense but there is some conflict from how I emotinally feel. Like just a week ago I was upset almost every night and crying and wanting to destroy myself etc and now I have choosen that I am not allowed to have any of those emotions anymore. I have a lot higher level of control over my emotions than most people but I can't completely turn them off. I gues I am more of curious on how she will react and worried about how I will react. I feel like I need to plan more to feel more comfortable with the situation. I know when I go in I will outwardly be more happy. Oh, I had to meet with the doctor last night to check on my meds. I guess that is an interesting first instance of my reactions. I can in and I was fine. I was just sitting and smiling and everything. He asked how things were going and I said that it depended and explained how I had internalized etc. Like I was talking ot him but I wasn't perosnally attached to any of it. I pretty much just chose to see it mostly with amusement. He said that he was sorry that my shrink was leaving and knows how hard it has been and I simply told him that I was over it. Don't think he believed me and right now feel that it was kinda a stupid thing to say but whatever. I guess I have returned to the calm, happy, social person. I can say what is going but but they are stories and I simply tell them as though it would be interesting to the person I am talking to. That is how I usually am when telling people about my past which is always intersting because they freak out and I am just kinda smiling and completely ok. With my shrink she kinda managed to get past that and we actually had serious conversations. Like I was mentally and emotionally vulnerable to some extent. She managed to reach the internal part of me that is pretty much in constant turmoil. I guess right now I feel conflicted because there is still that part of me that desperately wants to connect with her. The part that doesn't want to let go of our relationship. The part of me that has been angry and upset the past few weeks. I look at it rationally though and that is no an appropriate way to act. I was being angry and defiant and basically making it hard for her to do anything. As she said, I was tieing her hands behind her back. That wasn't helpful for me or her. I am not sure how much internalizing is helpful for me but it would be a lot easier on her. She wouldn't have to worry so much. She won't have the frustration of my defiance. She can leave and feel like things are ok and that she accomplished something. I want her to leave with a good feeling, not a bad one. I guess for the present moment internalizing is helpful for me to. Basically completely separating my thoughts was a way I developed to function and be the perosn that people expected me to be instead of the mess up teenager. I realize that in the long term it is probably a bad idea because it is basically going backwards. I am basically choosing to ignore all of her work and go back to the way I was before. I know that I probably won't see anymore shrinks which is probably the bad part. At least I won't with the way I am presently thinking. I have made myself unreachable again. People can talk to me and I will give them plenty of information about my life and make them think that they know all of this crap when in reality they know nothing. I am being unreachable and they can't get to the inner conflict. I guess if I make my mess internal then no one can help me because they can't see it. I guess my plan for today is to go in and be happy and tell her about the fact that I am a lot better. If she doesn't question it I won't bring it up. I guess it depends on how much she believes it. It doesn't make sense that I could make this much of a change in such a short time but she really really wants me to be ok. I have found that when people desperately want something to happen and are told it did, they will not question pretty much out of their desire for it to be true. I guess if she does question it we can discuss it. I discussed with the doctor last night without any problems. If she doesn't question it then we can sit and talk about pointless things. We can tlak about my research and my frustration with that and my class, summer, etc. Things that provide environment stress but really don't effect me that much. I think I can manage either one. I know that I will feel more frustrated afterwards if she remain oblivious but in a way that is what I want. Logically that would be easiest for her. I know it will bother me but the intent of doing all of this is to make it easier for her. I will have to accept that just as I am choosing that internalizing is the best way to handle my current situation. I guess I feel calmer now because I have more of an expectation of how things will play out based on how she reacts. There is always the chance that it could go completely differently but having some sort of plan helps. I will try to write later tonight though I haven't felt very motivated to write lately.

So I guess if I am going to continue trying to separate my external and internal worlds I should probably continue writing more regularly. I feel like I have come to a lot more of a conclusion regarding the shrink. Before I was really angry because she was leaving. I know that she doesn't have a choice and that she isn't trying to hurt me or anything but I couldn't help but to feel angry about it. I was upset because she was the first person that knew me in person and managed to reach me. I was upset that I trusted her. I guess a part of me was upset that I had hope that maybe something could become of this and that was kinda shattered. I have been angry at both myself and her because I cared so much. I don't think it is possible for this to end well for me so I have just been defiant and upset. Today I realized that even if I can't make this end well in my mind I can make it end well for her. If I care about her I should be focused on how to make her feel better about leaving verses being angry about it. I have said that I don't care about myself and that I care about others more but I have realized that I have been really self-centered lately. I guess part of that is the whole thing that the therapist is generally the one that is supposed to be helping and she has told me many times before to not worry about her but she is a human being. I am being selfish because I have been making things worse purely because I was upset. Being angry and defiant doesn't help anyone. I let myself get completely overwhelmed by my emotions and wasn't thinking at all rationally. So I have decided that the most rational thing to do is to use the next month or so to make ending better for her. I don't want her to worry. I already decided that I am trying to separate my internal world from my external world. I think with having someone be able to externally reach me that kinda screwed up my ability to regulate myself. I let myself get consumed by all of the bad things taht I felt and let it effect too much of my life. I have made myself outwardly better. Honestly in a way I feel better because I am not constantly obsessing about all of the bad things in my life. I realize that I am not really better and its not like I all of a sudden am cured but it is easier to function. I cannot let the bad things about me consume my life. I konw in a way it sounds like this is such a better way to live my life but I realize that it is not. It is helpful in that I can function better and people aren't as aware of my problems but they don't go away. Basically everything just seems to be fine when it is not. It gives me more time of thigns seeming to be fine but since no one can know about all of the bad things there is no way for anyone to help me. That is why I started this blog years ago in the first place. I needed a place to express all of the things that I couldn't tell anyone else. I needed to be able to get out all of the things that would scare people and change the way they treat me and in most cases cause them to just put me in the hospital. So I guess after my experience with trying to allow someone to help me I have returned to this. I have decided that there is no point in being angry though. Its not like the shrink lady wanted to hurt me. She did her best to try to help. I guess in the end it doesn't seem like it worked out very well but she tried. In a way it is similar to my mother. She made my life living hell during high school and I hated her for it but now that I am able to look back at it I realize that she was just doing her best. She didn't know how to help me and how to handle me so she thought that dragging me to as many people as possible was a way to fix me. She didn't know what else to do. I guess having that experience makes me more aware that a lot of the people that cause me pain generally don't do it on purpose. It took me years and being away from home for me to realize and accept the actions of my mom. I can look at it now and I realize that she can't really help me in much of my life but instead I can help her. I can try to be there for her and taht is what I do. I can't really fix the problems with Ron or give her a job etc but I can listen and do my best to give advice. Our relationship works ok now because I have realized where I fit best. I have learned to not be self-centered and focusing on the things that she was doing wrong or the things taht she oculd't do. In the same way I am realizing that it is kinda similar with the shrink. For the past couple months I have felt really angry that she couldn't give me what I wanted. She doesn't know how to talk on email and it isn't effective. She can't be there everytime I want someone to talk to and can't always give me the understanding or feedback that I need. I let myself get really angry because I wasn't getting what I wanted. Now I realize that there is no grounds for me to be angry. She isn't trying to hurt me and she is doign her best. I know I am worrying her that when we stop that I am just going to kill mytself and I have no right to do that. Honestly it is a possibility but me killing myself is always a possibility. It isn't something that she should have to worry about. I have been getting so angry that I can't make her stop caring. I don't want her to care that I die but I know I can't just make her stop caring. I know I can't make her not be upset so I need to not give her so many reasons to be upset. She desperately wants me to have a "smooth" transition. I don't think her idea of a good transition is possible for me but I can do my best to make it possible for her. I can't just easily move on to another therapist or do a DBT program. The only way I presently can handle her leaving is by retreating ot my internal world and realizing that having people externally be a part of it is probably a bad idea. I can make things better for her though. I can stop being defiant and stop fighting everything. I can stop my obsessing with being destructive and stop creating "toxic" environments. I can't really change the way my mind works but I can change the way I act and I can definatley change the way that I let her percieve the situation. Its basically what I have done before when I needed people to think that I am "better" so they would leave me alone. I know that I can't convince her taht I am just all of a sudden better because that isn't reasonable and I don't feel the need to. Basically she just needs to know that there is some sort of hope. She has hope and I just need to stop trying to destory it all of the time out of anger. Ironically I know that if I were to flat out tell her why I am completley changing my way of reacting she would not agree with it. I feel that is emotional though and not really rational. She would rather help me than me try to help her but I would rather help her than she help me. We both feel the same way in that but there isn't much she can do to help me anymore. I have let myself be angry because I wanted her to help me and I wanted her to make things better for me. That isn't possible though and if there is nothing that she can do to improve the situation then it falls on me to make it better. In a way it is betetr for me too because I am being less defiant and angry and stressed etc. I have found a meaning in finishing out the year with her. Instead of being stressed all of the time about how it is going to end I can spend the rest of my time trying to make the ending as best as possible. Now that I say that I realize that is basically what she has been trying to do the past couple weeks and I have just been resisting. I need to give up my frustration at this not working out for me internally and make things better for her. Another thing that I have been debating is whether or not to tell her how much I care. After this last session I fetl incredibly frustrated because I couldn't express to her how much she meant to me. I couldn't express to her how much it meant for her to be able to reach me and be a part of my world. I have told her that it really upsets me to think about hruting her but I tend to be kinda cold and unemotional so I don't think she understood how much it meant to me. It hurts me more right now to think of hurting her than anyone else. I don't think I could possibly convey that in a way she could understand and know she woudl disagree with it. I guess I might try to let her know how much she means but limit it. I think I will try to let her understand how much it means for her to reach me but omit the part about me not wanting anyone else to reach me. I am not going to tell her that I have chosen to internalize because in a way it is a step backwards from the work she has done. I don't know how much backwards it is but I want her to feel good about the progress. In a way it makes me sad because she did become a part of my world and I can no longer have that. I know that rationally this is the best thing to do but a part of me still wants her to be able to help me. I realize though that in less than 2 months she will never see me again though and I can never talk to her and that getting upset about it isn't going to help. I need to face reality and make decisions based on what would work out best for others but I guess that still doesn't take away the fact that it is sad. I guess losses are supposed to be sad and I should feel it as that and move on. I shouldn't let myself get caught up in life not working out the way that I want to because life doesn't work that way. I care about her and I need to make things that best possible for her so she can move on. I guess whatever happens to me happens and the most I can try to do is make it beter for others.

So I have been looking through my blog and ironically the few entries I have looked at are pretty horrible. Well I guess the first one I looked at was pretty bad because it was about KR telling me that I was just using people and the friend that was usuallly there for me not caring and basically me being incredibly suicidal but not knowing how to kill myself. It was basically be despeartely wanting to die and wanting to try to get a gun and shoot myself and not really caring about much of anything. Interestingly enough reading that doesn't really bother me anymore. Before I couldn't read this blog. I would write in it everyday but I couldn't actually read any of it because it would upset me. Now it doesn't matter. I have decided that I am going to try to write more though. The current shrink I am seeing kinda messed me up and is making it really hard to separate my outside world verses my inner world and it is really causing me stress. Basically she was the first shrink to actually reach me, especially since I am pretty sure I have been declared unreachable countless times. The weird thing was that she reached me and I felt the need to be honest with her and she became a part of my world but she couldn't be a part of my world through text like most people are. Generally the only way that I can actually be honest about what I am feeling is through text. She doesn't like that though. She hates doing email and stuff which is really a pain. Anyways, she is now leaving and that is hitting me really hard. She can't understand how much it is messing with me because I let her be a part of my world. She was saying that she felt that I thought that I depended on her more than was true because I don't follow her advice half of the time and she won't talk on email and in most sessions I feel worse at the end than when we start but I feel like she can't understand how it is messing me up so much emotionally. She became a part of my world. I was stupid enough to let her in. I care about her. Like I care about a lot of people but there is a difference. She is part of my internal world. When I think about hurting her I can phsycially feel it. It feels like my heart drops. Like that isn't something that I usually feel. I felt it the first time I went on like some huge rollercoasters etc but I generally don't physically feel emotions. I guess I feel anxiety by tense muscles and depression by not wanting to move but those are different. Anyways, the fact that it internally hurts me is making it really hard. Like I cried almost every night the past week because I kept thinking about her and the fact that she was leaving. She has a rule that I am not allowed choke myself if I am going ot continue with her in outpatient therapy. It was a rule that was made after I almost killed myself by pushing choking too far. Actually I don't know if I even came all that close to killing myself because I have thought I have been close before and turned out I was wrong. Either way, it was dangerous and I admitted that it was dangerous and she freaked out. Technically our rule is that I am not allowed to push choking to the point of making myself pass out but choking myself without pushing it kinda looses most of the point. I don't know why I got off on that tangent. Anyways, I feel like when she leaves that rule no longer stands and I just want to die. The thing that is relaly hard on me is that I know that it would really hurt her if I were to die. Like I know that I would hurt a lot of people and that is basically the reason that I am not dead yet, but she matters in my internal world. Everytime I think about it I desperately want to make her stop caring. I want her to just let me die. I want her to just move on. I don't want her to konw. I have asked her about it and she says that she is pretty sure she would find out if I killed myself. I am not sure that she would and she says that she wouldn't but she seems to believe that she would find oiut and I believe it is possible. I don't want that to happen. I don't understand why she can't just let me go. She is never going to see me again. Why should I matter. Anyways, that is basically destorying me but the last time I went to session I couldn't really express it. Now I don't have session until Thursday which is driving me nuts. I want to tell her how much she means but then I don't. I feel like she doesn't understand it and in a way I want her to understand and want her ot know how hard it is for me but I guess I don't know what the purpose of that would be. Yet at the same time I know I would hate myself if I never told her. Idk. Anyways, I guess the reason that I am writing this is that I am going to try to write more instead of trying to talk to her. That is what she wants me to do anyways. I feel like letting her get into my inner world when she is part of my outside world is really screwing me up. Like it kinda brings my two world together in a sesnse and that seems to make it harder to deal with life. I feel like I have a constant level of anxiety. I feel like I can't escape feeling all of the bad stuff all the time. I have decided that it would be easier to return to two separate parts of myself. I will be the person I am supposed to be on the outisde. I will be happy and successful and all of the crap that I am supposed to do. I can't let all of the things that I really feel mess up my life. I am going to try to let all of the messed up things about me only exist in text. I need to separate myself better and hopefully returning to blogging will help with that.

So this is basically a conversation in which I get angry at the shrink and then give up on her, debate about quitting therapy and killing myself, and also the fact that she is going to write my book if I die which would basically consist of random conversations with her and this blog.

---

smw
2:17 PM
kk
2:17 PM
so the shrink just responded

darkangel
2:17 PM
ur invisible?

smw
2:17 PM
oh yeah

darkangel
2:17 PM
lol
2:17 PM
what did she say

smw
2:17 PM
"I agree, I don't think that any email response I provide will soothe your frustration, anger or conflicted feelings right now."

darkangel
2:18 PM
lol
2:18 PM
so she essentially just said the same thing shes been saying

smw
2:18 PM
yup
2:18 PM
so it is essentially pointless to talk to her
2:18 PM
oh and then continued with " I encourage you to start writing and I would begin with the theme of abandonment and how this is similar and very different from previous abandonments you've experienced."
2:18 PM
"I think your ambivalence about treatment is understandable and worthy of discussion on Thursday."

darkangel
2:19 PM
lol
2:19 PM
what a bunch of bullshit

smw
2:19 PM
yeah
2:20 PM
God she makes me want to bash my head against the wall
2:20 PM
In a way I really want to strangle myself because other ways of dealing with anger suck

darkangel
2:21 PM
lol

smw
2:22 PM
but that would be "acting out"
2:22 PM
makes me sound like a fucking 2 year old

darkangel
2:22 PM
lol
2:22 PM
i guess

smw
2:23 PM
well she has said before that I shouldn't "act out"

darkangel
2:24 PM
lol, she doesnt know how to deal with you anymore

smw
2:24 PM
pretty much
2:25 PM
she keeps trying to act like nothing has changed but things have majorly changed
2:25 PM
and she is doing a pretty bad job at trying to help me when I am angry

darkangel
2:27 PM
yeah
2:27 PM
like she lost control at the last meeting you guys had before break

smw
2:27 PM
yeah
2:27 PM
I reached her limit and she lost control

darkangel
2:27 PM
yeah

smw
2:27 PM
yet she keeps thinking that it is nothing and that it is healthy to know limits and will make it easier to move forward etc etc etc

darkangel
2:28 PM
lol
2:28 PM
yeah right

smw
2:28 PM
she just keeps ignoring everything I say and telling me to write

darkangel
2:29 PM
that didnt work
2:29 PM
uve tried that before

smw
2:29 PM
I think she is trying to get me to be more dependant on writing and less dependant on talking to her
2:29 PM
I used to write every day in high school
2:29 PM
I have a blog with over 1000 entries of my writing and ranting
2:29 PM
I am sick of writing
2:29 PM
I gave up on it because it doesn't do a whole lot to help, it is just a way of documenting the hell of my life

darkangel
2:30 PM
lol
2:30 PM
yeah
2:30 PM
i know what you mean

smw
2:31 PM
if anything, writing for several years without being able to discuss anything with any other person probably helped me develop a personality disorder

darkangel
2:31 PM
probably

smw
2:32 PM
actually now that I think about it, I used my blog to look at things from a third person prespective
2:32 PM
it was my way of basically being my own shrink because there was absolutely no one I can depend on

darkangel
2:34 PM
lol

smw
2:34 PM
I contradict my own thinking as a way of trying to understand the chaos that is my life

darkangel
2:34 PM
that was health
2:34 PM
y

smw
2:34 PM
it was the only thing I could do
2:34 PM
I was a suicidal minor. if I talked to anyone then they would try to commit me

darkangel
2:35 PM
yeah
2:35 PM
true

smw
2:35 PM
the more I think about it, the more I think having a blog really helped to develop a personality disorder

darkangel
2:37 PM
yeah
2:37 PM
prolly
2:38 PM
you just got used to thinking in multiple ways

smw
2:39 PM
yeah
2:39 PM
plus the whole thing that I could not depend on anyone in the world except myself

darkangel
2:40 PM
yeah
2:40 PM
i started talkin to u when u were in high school
2:40 PM
but you didnt really go into great detail a whole lot

smw
2:40 PM
yeah

darkangel
2:40 PM
like ur senior year

smw
2:41 PM
we didn't start actually talking til college

darkangel
2:41 PM
then i think u just realised that i wasnt gunna say anything so u just started tellin me more

smw
2:41 PM
I remember cuz we didn't talk much at all then I move to NY and we started talking a lot
2:41 PM
so I am reading research from the prof I want to do research with and reading about his past studies
2:41 PM
and in it he says "In contrast, our treatment is not suited for nor effective with individuals who suffer from Borderline Personality
Disorder or other Personality Disorders. People who suffer from personality disorders do not have the cognitive
deficits that respond to cognitive retraining. Their attention seeking and narcissistic behaviors make it difficult for
them to participate in the treatment groups."

darkangel
2:42 PM
lol
2:42 PM
so why are they bothering

smw
2:47 PM
the treatment is using neuropsychological treatments for people with schizphrenia
2:47 PM
not ppl with personality disorders

darkangel
2:48 PM
yeah

smw
2:48 PM
so I have to migrate
2:48 PM
I have this retarded co-op seminar
2:49 PM
so I can qualify for doing co-ops *shoots self*
2:49 PM
it is going to be incredibly boring so I will probably be tlaking to you in a few mins

darkangel
2:49 PM
ok, lol

smw
3:06 PM
so I have returned

darkangel
3:07 PM
wb

smw
3:07 PM
thx
3:07 PM
there aren't very many ppl here
3:07 PM
which sux
3:07 PM
cuz they are actually going to pay attention

darkangel
3:08 PM
lol nice
3:09 PM
ur gunna have fun with that one

smw
3:09 PM
there are only 10 ppl here

darkangel
3:09 PM
LOL

smw
3:09 PM
oh wait, 11

darkangel
3:09 PM
wow
3:09 PM
ooo

smw
3:09 PM
*shoots self*

darkangel
3:09 PM
o.0
3:09 PM
lol

smw
3:09 PM
well most ppl did it during fall
3:09 PM
or winter

darkangel
3:09 PM
ah
3:09 PM
fail.

smw
3:09 PM
I kept forgetting about it

darkangel
3:09 PM
lol
3:10 PM
fail!

smw
3:10 PM
but I have to do it now or they won't count my co-op this summer

darkangel
3:10 PM
lol
3:10 PM
nice
3:10 PM
what about from last summer

smw
3:11 PM
I got an exception from them to count it'
3:11 PM
because I got into Microsoft as a freshman
3:11 PM
and gneerally freshmen don't get co-ops

darkangel
3:13 PM
ah ok
3:13 PM
thats goood
3:13 PM
good*

smw
3:13 PM
so I am special
3:13 PM
lol

darkangel
3:13 PM
lol
3:13 PM
"special*

smw
3:13 PM
lol, shush

darkangel
3:13 PM
"special"*
3:13 PM
lol

smw
3:14 PM
lol
3:14 PM
I am sooo bored
3:14 PM
I have to sit here for 2 hours
3:14 PM
gah

darkangel
3:14 PM
lol
3:14 PM
sounds super fun

smw
3:15 PM
I should work on my application for the research program I want to get into

darkangel
3:15 PM
lol
3:15 PM
you should

smw
3:15 PM
I am going ot
3:15 PM
to*

darkangel
3:16 PM
lol
3:16 PM
mkay
3:30 PM
hows that goin

smw
3:30 PM
boring
3:30 PM
I am revising my essay for the McNair program

darkangel
3:33 PM
nifty
3:33 PM
sounds super exciting

smw
3:33 PM
yay

darkangel
3:34 PM
lol

smw
3:36 PM
want to read it?

darkangel
3:40 PM
sure

smw
3:43 PM
thre
3:44 PM
there*
3:44 PM
its pretty much a bunch of BS

darkangel
3:48 PM
and I feel that research would no only give me invaluable tools but would allow me to find what path would best fit both my interests and talents.
3:48 PM
would "not" only give
3:48 PM
and above that
3:48 PM
For far too much of my life I had to watch my family struggle and felt helpless to do anything as only a child.
3:49 PM
is that end right? or did you mean "as i was only a child"

smw
3:49 PM
yeah
3:49 PM
I'll get rid of that part and just stop it after the word anything

darkangel
3:49 PM
Another way I think my opportunities could increase through the McNair program is through help with making plans for graduate school.
3:49 PM
?
3:50 PM
I have always wanted to go to college but never really thought about what level of degree I planned on getting.....that could be worded better "degree to get"

smw
3:50 PM
what is wrong with the first sentence
3:50 PM
?

darkangel
3:51 PM
is through help with making plans for graduate school.
3:51 PM
that part is awkard

smw
3:51 PM
oh yeah

darkangel
3:51 PM
lol

smw
3:51 PM
to help

darkangel
3:52 PM
enjoy participating in there various network
3:52 PM
lol "their"

smw
3:53 PM
where is that?

darkangel
3:53 PM
second to last paragraph
3:53 PM
i think bachelor's is capitalized
3:54 PM
because its a title

smw
3:54 PM
ok

darkangel
3:56 PM
I have minimally explored the graduate programs available here at RIT including the Applied Experimental and Engineering Psychology program but have not done any extensive research on my opportunities for higher level education.
3:56 PM
i wouldnt say that. i would say that "i have explored....but would like more information and experience with"
3:56 PM
but other than that, sounds good

smw
3:58 PM
ok, cool

darkangel
3:59 PM
mhm

smw
4:05 PM
I have minimally explored the graduate programs available here at RIT including the Applied Experimental and Engineering Psychology program but would like the opportunity to further research all available opportunities for higher level education.

darkangel
4:08 PM
i wouldnt use the word minimally tho
4:09 PM
cuz that just makes it sound like you havent really done a whole lot

smw
4:10 PM
just say "I have explorered"

darkangel
4:11 PM
yeah
4:11 PM
lol
4:11 PM
explored*

smw
4:11 PM
lol
4:11 PM
yeah

darkangel
4:12 PM
lol
4:27 PM
so hows the class goin

smw
4:29 PM
meh
4:29 PM
boring
4:29 PM
but we have decided that since we have gone through the stuff so fast that we are going to do both classes in 1 so we don't have to come back next week

darkangel
4:30 PM
sweet

smw
4:31 PM
yeah
4:31 PM
at least the lady isn't horrible
4:31 PM
she realizes that we aren't extremely interested

darkangel
4:38 PM
yeah

smw
4:38 PM
lol
4:38 PM
blah

darkangel
4:39 PM
blah indeed

smw
4:44 PM
she is like "my poor kids, they have to live with me, you guys only have to deal with me for 2 hours"

darkangel
4:45 PM
lol
4:45 PM
wow

smw
4:45 PM
yeah
4:45 PM
so she isn't too horrible

darkangel
4:47 PM
thats good
4:47 PM
at least she doesnt drone

smw
4:47 PM
she does to some extent
4:47 PM
but isn't too bad
5:48 PM
BK
5:48 PM
BK

darkangel
5:49 PM
wb

smw
5:49 PM
so my shrink is seriously making me suicidal
5:50 PM
I just spent a half hour sitting outside freezing waiting for my roommate and progessively got more angry and wanted to hurt myself more

darkangel
5:51 PM
lol
5:51 PM
so what are you gunna do

smw
5:51 PM
idk right now
5:51 PM
my roommate just got news that her nerve problems in her hands aren't going to heal and she has to have surgery
5:52 PM
so she is all upset and I kinda need to be there for her
5:52 PM
and I have the whole rule right now where I am not allowed to just choke myself
5:53 PM
so if I were to do it I would basically have to kill myself

darkangel
5:53 PM
that really sucks

smw
5:53 PM
or face her and have to do a "higher level of treatment" which would become mandatory and that would suck

darkangel
5:53 PM
so whats going on with her hands

smw
5:54 PM
there is like a weird separation with her nerves (idk what its called) but she has been in a lot of pain whcih sux cuz she is a graphic designer
5:54 PM
and she has been doing physical therapy for the past couple months to try to help it
5:55 PM
and she went in today to see if the physical therapy was helpng or if she would need to get surgery

darkangel
5:55 PM
huh, that sucks
5:55 PM
what caused it?

smw
5:55 PM
its a genetic thing

darkangel
5:57 PM
ah ok
5:57 PM
that sucks

smw
5:57 PM
yeah
5:58 PM
so I am getting really angry with the whole shrink thing
5:59 PM
because right now there are rules that I must follow that prevent me from doing anything
5:59 PM
but those rules only apply if I am alive
5:59 PM
so if I choose to break them then I pretty much choose to die
5:59 PM
but one of the rules I have had for years is that I can't kill myself because of someone else
5:59 PM
or out of anger

darkangel
6:00 PM
yeah
6:00 PM
lol, sounds like uve got quite the dilemma

smw3740
6:04 PM
basically I really really want to die but I have rules that say I can't
6:05 PM
so I have to choose to keep "fighting to live" or break the rules meaning I basically means I am required to die because I am not willing to do hospitalization

darkangel
6:07 PM
lol
6:08 PM
or you could figure out another reason for it

smw
6:08 PM
another reason for what?

darkangel
6:08 PM
pushing it

smw
6:08 PM
I am not allowed to push it tho
6:08 PM
that is technically the rule
6:09 PM
so technically I am allowed to choke myself but I am not allowed to push it to the point of passing out

darkangel
6:09 PM
well yeah, according to the rules set up by the shrink

smw
6:10 PM
I know
6:11 PM
but if I break her rule then I either have to stop seeing her or just kill myself
6:11 PM
and if I stop seeing her then I probably have to stop taking meds
6:11 PM
so I might as well just kill myself

darkangel
6:11 PM
well, my guess is that if you broke the rule you prolly would kill urself anyways

smw
6:11 PM
yeah
6:12 PM
that is the idea

darkangel
6:12 PM
lol

smw
6:12 PM
cuz once I broke the rule there would be no point anymore

xxdarkangelzz
6:12 PM
so you wouldnt have to think about whether or not u would have to stop seeing her

smw
6:13 PM
yeah, well that is the alternative if I don't just kill myself right then but that would pretty much mean hell then death so I might as well just die quickly

darkangel
6:14 PM
lol
6:14 PM
true
6:14 PM
so what are you gunna do

smw
6:15 PM
right now I am not doing anything
6:15 PM
probably won't tonight just cuz of my roommate

darkangel
6:15 PM
lol yeah
6:15 PM
and you dont see her till thursday
6:16 PM
did you reply to her email

smw
6:16 PM
no
6:16 PM
there is no point
6:16 PM
I literally told her that I felt that she didn't even care anymore and she completely ignored it and said that we would talk on Thursday

darkangel
6:16 PM
lol yeah
6:16 PM
yeah
6:16 PM
i noticed
6:16 PM
thats what shes been doing

smw
6:16 PM
yeah

darkangel
6:17 PM
did you guys even resolve anything when u met?

smw
6:17 PM
=not really

darkangel
6:17 PM
then what the hell was the point

smw
6:22 PM
she basically told me that I was taking on too much responsibility, and we discussed her vision for the future, and then she tried to convince me to not hate myself as much
6:22 PM
basically all of it was completely pointless
6:22 PM
after 2 weeks
6:23 PM
so I am supposed to sit here and hate life and torture myself because of her stupid rules while she doesn't even really care and refuses to talk to me

darkangel
6:23 PM
lol
6:24 PM
why do you follow her rules?

smw
6:24 PM
it is only this 1 rule really
6:24 PM
that was the point in which she forced me to commit to it
6:24 PM
otherwise she wants me to do stuff but I have never promised to do anything

darkangel
6:25 PM
yeah
6:25 PM
but did she even talk to you about you feeling trapped and what not

smw
6:26 PM
I have said it multiple times over email
6:27 PM
and we kinda discussed it in the beginning of break
6:27 PM
but then she decided that she wasn't going to talk to me over email anymore

darkangel
6:28 PM
yeah i know, but did she say anything during session

smw
6:29 PM
not really
6:29 PM
we discussed me being angry

darkangel
6:29 PM
well, that didnt really get anywhere

smw
6:29 PM
and I discussed how it was her rule and not mine and that it wouldn't apply if I was not with her and she basically just said that she was worried about that and hoped that it would be able to become my own rule/desire

darkangel
6:30 PM
pfft

smw
6:32 PM
so basically it was stupid and pointless

darkangel
6:32 PM
yeah
6:34 PM
oh well
6:34 PM
so what are you gunna do

smw
6:35 PM
idk right now'
6:35 PM
I don't want to really talk to her anymore

darkangel
6:35 PM
yeah i know you dont

smw
6:35 PM
I want to get angry but there is absolutely no purpose

darkangel
6:35 PM
yeah
6:36 PM
shes not listening either
6:36 PM
shes stuck in her own rainbow world

smw
6:36 PM
basically

darkangel
6:36 PM
lol

smw
6:38 PM
I really want to strangle myself but that would just "acting out"

darkangel
6:38 PM
not really
6:39 PM
ud be doing it for ur own reasons
6:39 PM
shes just finding ways to make you stop

smw
6:39 PM
I guess if I do it out of anger it is which is why I have that rule
6:39 PM
but right now I raelly want to do it cuz I just give up

darkangel
6:39 PM
if she associates your behaviour with that of a child, it has a good chance on making you stop

smw
6:40 PM
she does associate it in that way cuz she has this whole "good parent" thing
6:41 PM
and how she thinks I act the way I do because I had to parent myself at a young age

darkangel
6:41 PM
lol
6:41 PM
wow

smw
6:43 PM
she thinks that since children have black and white views and that is why I use punishment to manage myself
6:44 PM
and we had this whole discussion about if I was a parent would I treat a child like I treat myself
6:46 PM
you know, I didn't really think about it but telling me that I am being like a child is a good way to get me to stop

darkangel
6:49 PM
yeah i know
6:49 PM
i think thats the only reason why she said it

smw
6:55 PM
the stupid part is that I feel the need to tell her this crap
6:56 PM
I might wait til Thursday
6:56 PM
see how it goes
6:56 PM
and if not screw it

darkangel
6:58 PM
lol
6:58 PM
sounds exciting

smw
7:01 PM
this way I am technically giving her a chance

darkangel
7:02 PM
havent you already

smw
7:02 PM
yeah, but that allows the whole last chance
7:02 PM
plus I am waiting
7:02 PM
so I am not acting impulsively
7:02 PM
so it isn't just out of anger
7:03 PM
it satisfies my rules

darkangel
7:03 PM
lol ok then

smw
7:11 PM
so now I have a plan

darkangel
7:12 PM
yeah?

smw
7:13 PM
it helps me be less pissed beause now I am just waiting

xxdarkangelzz
7:15 PM
yeah, thats good

smw
7:15 PM
I kinda feel like shit right now

xxdarkangelzz
7:15 PM
how come

smw
7:16 PM
idk, depressed

darkangel
7:19 PM
that sucks

smw
7:21 PM
my shrink who I actually let myself build a "relationship" with and sorta trust her and now she is basically going ot end up killing me

darkangel
7:21 PM
lol that sounds cheerful

smw
7:22 PM
I know
7:22 PM
doesn't it
7:22 PM
well I have until Thursday to accept it

darkangel
7:23 PM
lol
darkangel is idle (7:46 PM)

smw
7:48 PM
so I am actually feeling like craqp
darkangel is no longer idle (7:53 PM)

darkangel
7:54 PM
thats not good

smw
7:54 PM
lol, yeah
7:54 PM
I fucking let myself care so I feel like shit about it
7:54 PM
I am debating if I want to tell her that I want to stop therapy

darkangel
7:56 PM
when would you tell her that tho

smw
7:57 PM
idk, I have been thinking about it
7:58 PM
I am thinking of Thursday morning
7:58 PM
so this way I am telling her before session so it is easier for me but she doesn't have time to do stupid crap
7:59 PM
I will simply say that it is because I don't trust her anymore (which is true) and I see no point in continuing when she is just going ot leave anyways
7:59 PM
which is all true except I am omitting the minor detail that I want to kill myself

darkangel
7:59 PM
yeah
7:59 PM
lol
7:59 PM
minor detail

smw
7:59 PM
actually at the moment I don't really feel suicidal

darkangel
7:59 PM
just pissed

smw
7:59 PM
more of depressed/sad right now

darkangel
8:00 PM
ah ok

smw
8:00 PM
I got over the pissed part by making a plan
8:00 PM
so I am not spinning in circles getiting angry

darkangel
8:00 PM
lol
8:00 PM
ok

smw
8:02 PM
but I don't feel like I really want to die right now
8:02 PM
but I basically feel like she has left me with no other option

darkangel
8:02 PM
yeah

smw
8:04 PM
which is why i am still waiting to see her on Thursday

darkangel
8:04 PM
yeah

smw
8:33 PM
I think I am going to wait until Thursday and then tell her when I get to school

darkangel
8:36 PM
lol
8:37 PM
thats entertaining
8:46 PM
i hate hw

smw
8:46 PM
lol, me too

darkangel
8:46 PM
lol
8:46 PM
hurray

smw
8:46 PM
I don't have a whole lot of hw tho

darkangel
8:47 PM
lol

smw
8:51 PM
I am still thinking about the whole killing myself thing

darkangel
8:51 PM
yeah?
8:51 PM
lol

smw
8:51 PM
idk, I kinda feel bad
8:51 PM
anger is easier to handle

darkangel
8:52 PM
yeah
8:52 PM
ol
8:52 PM
lol

smw
9:12 PM
like its not like I want to live but I am not particularly suicidal at th emoment
Yahoo
darkangel
9:13 PM
yeah
9:13 PM
ur just like "meh"

smw
9:13 PM
yeah

darkangel
9:13 PM
lol

smw
9:14 PM
it is hard that I cared and to some extent I let myself have some hope in order to continue with her and now she is pretty much going to kill me

darkangel
9:15 PM
lol, yeah
9:15 PM
she fucked up

smw
9:16 PM
I know

darkangel
9:17 PM
and shes trying to ignore it and pass it off which is making it worse

smw
9:17 PM
I know
9:17 PM
and I have been trying to reach out

darkangel
9:18 PM
yeah i know

smw
9:20 PM
I have sent her the angry crap
9:20 PM
I was honest about having abandonment issues

darkangel
9:21 PM
yeah i know
9:21 PM
and she blew it off

smw
9:23 PM
I even admitted that I felt like she didn't care anymore

darkangel
9:24 PM
yeah you did
9:24 PM
did she even reply to that part

smw
9:25 PM
nope

darkangel
9:25 PM
lol
9:25 PM
wow

smw
9:25 PM
well she said "I agree, I don't think that any email response I provide will soothe your frustration, anger or conflicted feelings right now."
9:26 PM
which is basically blowing the entire thing off
9:26 PM
then told me to start writing about having abandonment issues

darkangel
9:27 PM
yeah i know

smw
9:35 PM
*sigh* it just sucks

darkangel
9:35 PM
yeah i know

smw
9:35 PM
I feel as though I should write crap if I end up going through with it
9:40 PM
so what do you think the chances it wil happne?

darkangel
9:42 PM
well...considering the way things have been going with her, i dont think she really is going to say anything differently

smw
9:46 PM
yeah, she is probaably going to fail, that is expected but knowing me
9:46 PM
what do you think the chances are

darkangel
9:46 PM
that ull go through with it?

smw
9:46 PM
yeah. I mean I have tried before, threatened plenty of times, decided multiple times that I would do it, etc
9:47 PM
what do you think are the chances that I will actually die in the next week?

darkangel
9:49 PM
i dunno. she may surprise us both and say something different. but really, that depends on how committed you are to doing it

smw
9:52 PM
thats the thing, it is more of doing it because I feel trapped
9:52 PM
I don't really want to do it all that much
9:53 PM
which is why I am kinda depressed

darkangel
9:53 PM
lol
9:53 PM
so you dont really want to kill urself

smw
9:53 PM
meh, I don't want to live
9:54 PM
but I don't particularly want to die3 at the moment
9:54 PM
its more of my usual meh
9:54 PM
like things aren't going all that badly other tahn the shrink making me want to die

xxdarkangelzz
9:54 PM
yeah
9:55 PM
well, then i guess it would depend on how you react to thursday

smw
9:57 PM
yeah, but I don't see any way that she could possibly make it better
9:57 PM
well not so much make it better but give me any other option

darkangel
9:58 PM
yeah
9:58 PM
i dont think she would give you any other choice
9:58 PM
and if you stop counseling like you want to, you know she is going to mention it to someone else and they are going to come after you
9:58 PM
lol, cuz then they will know you are a hazard to urself

smw
9:58 PM
idk, she says that I am allowed to stop
9:59 PM
I asked and she was like "of course"

darkangel
9:59 PM
yeah, but she has also been attempting to convince them that you are safe
9:59 PM
and if they realise its you, and you quit...thats prolly not gunna look good

smw
10:00 PM
well they know it is me
10:00 PM
at least her advisor does
10:00 PM
I don't think she will go to the idiot ppl tho

darkangel
10:00 PM
i dunno

smw
10:01 PM
I am not even sure how much she will even try to convince me to stay

darkangel
10:02 PM
i dunno
10:02 PM
lol

smw
10:02 PM
I am going to email her on Thursday saying that I am seriously considering it being my last session
10:03 PM
but wait til then so she has to make a decision and doesn't really have time to consult with ppl

darkangel
10:04 PM
yeah
10:04 PM
when do you see her thursday

smw
10:04 PM
3 pm

darkangel
10:04 PM
ok

smw
10:04 PM
I have classes from 10-12 then 12-2

darkangel
10:04 PM
ill be at work
10:04 PM
i work 3-8
10:05 PM
but i should have like 1 break

smw
10:05 PM
I'll text you if I choose to try

darkangel
10:05 PM
ok
10:05 PM
ll
10:05 PM
lol
10:05 PM
just delete the text after you send it
10:06 PM
and if you dont do it after you decide to try, just let me know
10:06 PM
and if i dont hear from you, well, i know i have a novel to write
10:06 PM
lol

smw
10:06 PM
ok, I won't say anything at all specific

darkangel
10:06 PM
ok

smw
10:06 PM
would you seriously write a novel?

darkangel
10:06 PM
i think i should
10:07 PM
so you should leave me ur blogs and shit
10:07 PM
lol
10:07 PM
i would do it for fun

smw
10:07 PM
I want ppl to hear it at some point
10:07 PM
but I can't do it unless I somehow live through it and that would be years later
10:07 PM
or if I am dead you can do it

darkangel
10:07 PM
ok
10:07 PM
just leave me the blog
10:07 PM
s
10:08 PM
are ur blogs online or on ur computer?

smw
10:08 PM
the one from high school is online

darkangel
10:08 PM
nifty
10:08 PM
what site?

smw
10:08 PM
bravenet
10:09 PM
I will tell you what to search for right before I do it if it comes to that

darkangel
10:10 PM
lol ok

smw
10:10 PM
if I could use my laptop I would try to put more of it up online

darkangel
10:10 PM
lol, how come you cant?

smw
10:10 PM
the plug on my power cord broke off

xxdarkangelzz
10:11 PM
that sucks
10:11 PM
so are you gettin a new cord?

smw
10:11 PM
yeah
10:11 PM
I have to send it back
10:11 PM
and they will send me a new one
10:11 PM
right now I have Maria's netbook

darkangel
10:12 PM
mkay
10:12 PM
so you havent sent it back yet?
10:12 PM
lol

smw
10:12 PM
I gave it to Maria to send itout today but she didn't cuz she didn't go before the post office closed

darkangel
10:12 PM
lol
10:12 PM
that sucks

smw
10:12 PM
so she is supposed to mail it tomorrow
10:13 PM
I have some of the stuff on my thumb drive because I transfered everything from my documents on there so I could have access to it

darkangel
10:13 PM
ok

smw
10:13 PM
I will try to get more of it online over the next few days

darkangel
10:14 PM
ok
10:14 PM
on that same site?

smw
10:14 PM
yeah, I will add it ot my existing blog

darkangel
10:14 PM
ok
10:14 PM
cool

smw
10:14 PM
I have some of it that is conversations that I have saved

darkangel
10:14 PM
lol
10:14 PM
with who

smw
10:14 PM
mostly you but some w/ other ppl

darkangel
10:15 PM
lol, exciting

smw
10:15 PM
I will obviously get rid of the name

darkangel
10:15 PM
ok

smw
10:15 PM
cuz some of it was stuff I was ranting about or realized when we were talking so I saved it

darkangel
10:16 PM
ah ok
10:16 PM
which happens a lot
10:16 PM
lol

smw
10:16 PM
yeah, but a lot of them haven't been saved
10:16 PM
actually most haven't been saved

darkangel
10:16 PM
lol
10:16 PM
ok
10:16 PM
i remember some of it tho

smw
10:16 PM
thats why you are writing it

darkangel
10:17 PM
lol yup

smw
10:17 PM
I will try to get it online tho because I doubt you will ever be given any access to my comp

darkangel
10:18 PM
yeah prolly not
10:18 PM
especially if i mention why
10:18 PM
LOL

smw
10:18 PM
yeah
10:19 PM
be like "she told me that she could write a book about her if she dies so I need that"

darkangel
10:19 PM
lol
10:19 PM
they would prolly just stare at me

smw
10:22 PM
it would be funny tho

darkangel
10:22 PM
mhm
10:22 PM
most definitely

smw
10:24 PM
I think its fun
10:25 PM
I am highly amused that there will be a book about me
10:25 PM
maybe someone can learn something

darkangel
10:25 PM
lol yeah
10:26 PM
from what i gather there isnt much known about ur type of disorder

smw
10:26 PM
not really
10:26 PM
it has been diagnosed relatively recently
10:26 PM
and has been considered untreatable for quite a while
10:27 PM
just recently they developed the whole DBT thing which "shows promise"
10:27 PM
so I was randomly thinking about the prof that I might do research with and how obsessive he was about suicide prevention in class

darkangel
10:28 PM
lol
10:28 PM
yeah that would go well

smw
10:29 PM
the hardworking, independent, motivated etc student who is looking at a promising research just killed herself

darkangel
10:29 PM
lol
10:30 PM
that sounds funny

smw
10:30 PM
true
10:30 PM
but it is really true
10:30 PM
to a lot of ppl I am a normal student
10:30 PM
I am very motivated
10:30 PM
etc etc etc

darkangel
10:31 PM
yeah i know
10:31 PM
lol

smw
10:32 PM
its amusing

darkangel
10:34 PM
mhm
10:34 PM
most definitely

smw
10:36 PM
I am starting to be less depressed about it

darkangel
10:37 PM
yeah?
10:37 PM
how come

smw3740
10:37 PM
accepting the logic
10:38 PM
plus I am amused by the fact that you would actually write a book

darkangel
10:38 PM
lol
10:38 PM
why wouldnt i? i think that would be very entertaining
10:38 PM
plus ya know, it could be a learning experience for shrinks

smw
10:39 PM
lol, since when did you care about helping the learning experience for shrinks

darkangel
10:40 PM
i dont
10:40 PM
lol
10:40 PM
but it would be funny for those who have had you personally
10:40 PM
who abandoned you
10:40 PM
and then they see this book
10:40 PM
LOL

smw
10:40 PM
lol
10:43 PM
yeah

darkangel
10:44 PM
lol
10:44 PM
that would make them feel like crap
10:44 PM
lol

smw
10:44 PM
soo many ppl have moved in and out of my life
10:44 PM
meh, maybe they will learn something
10:44 PM
some of them I don't care, but there are a few that I would feel bad

darkangel
10:46 PM
lol yeah

smw
10:46 PM
randomly feel dizzy

darkangel
10:46 PM
lol
10:46 PM
awesome
10:46 PM
u eaten toay?
10:46 PM
today*

smw
10:47 PM
yeah
10:47 PM
I am beingt reallygood and just dieting

darkangel
10:48 PM
lol
10:48 PM
nice
10:48 PM
good job

smw
10:57 PM
lo
10:57 PM
lol

darkangel
10:58 PM
yeah

Over the past 2 days I have copied over 50 entries from a bunny diary that I had as a kid into here. It was interesting to read it all, but was also depressing. It was interesting because I could see the rise of a lot of the conflicts today. There were a lot of entries when I was 10 and then a bunch when I was 13. I can see the difference in my way of thinking between the 3 years. I actually see a lot of how my thoughts changed over the year when I was 13. That was kinda when my family fell apart. It shows the conflict I felt toward my dad and everything in general.
Anyways, I really want to just sit and write right now but I can't. I feel like I am forcing words to come out. Like I have had so much stuff going on in my head the past week because I am home from school. I am on our 2 week fall break. At home I am surrounded by all the issues that my mom has and all of the issues of the family. It is hard to hear about it constantly. Anyways, I was really hoping to write about some of it tonight since I have been putting stuff in my blog, but my mind has completely blocked everything out. Its kinda annoying when I do that but it is a defense mechanism. Its a weird feeling because I know that there are so many things that I should be thinking about but I can't actually think about any single one. They are just all there, but accessible. I guess I am going to stop then because there is no point in rambling when I can't think of what I want to say.

Ok, so things have been pretty chaotic lately and so I haven’t really had a chance to think. I guess I should first give a brief summary of last week. Friday and Saturday were actually pretty good days. I was pretty relaxing and things seemed to be going well. On Sunday I was attempting to do my hw and was really struggling on Physics. I had tried to do it on Saturday but couldn’t focus so I decided to put it off until Sunday. Basically it was causing me a huge level of anxiety because I had a test coming up and didn’t really understand it. I was at the point that I couldn’t even do problems that I had known before because I was so stressed. Then I realized that the Monday before the 2^nd physics test last year was when I choked myself really badly and came close to killing myself. Well, at least that is the closest that I had ever come at that point. Realizing that just increased the stress level. It was pretty much a big trigger that was horrible. Despite really wanting to, I managed to not choke myself on Sunday. It was one of the few times that I have actually tried to not choke myself when things were going really badly. Monday suxed because I had to deal with school and all of the anxiety etc. I decided to go to the counseling center for the whole emergency thing because I was really having a lot of problems handling everything and I knew it would end badly. So I went there and you are supposed to write what is wrong and they have a list of things such as I hear voices, I am going to kill myself, I am going to kill others, etc. I obviously didn’t want to check any of them because it would be stupid to write on paper that I wanted to hurt myself. I generally try to avoid any record of these sort of things so I wrote down panic attack in the other section. I was hoping that I could talk to someone and kinda get into the whole issue I was having but the lady that I saw suxed. She was so annoying and basically lectured me about not getting a tutor when I was struggling and then gave me the usual lecture of people doing things for my safety. Then she got into the whole maybe I shouldn’t be there thing and how there are certain standards for RIT students and maybe I wasn’t meeting them and basically made it sound like I was an idiot for getting so stressed about tests and I shouldn’t be at RIT because I was too unstable. So with all that I definitely didn’t get to say any of the stuff that was really bothering me. So I felt worse and by the time I got home on Monday I was really destructive. I ended up hurting myself pretty badly. I choked myself pretty bad and I am not sure if I mentally loss awareness or actually physically blacked out but I ended up on the floor and I think I had a mini seizure thing were my body kinda convulses. Basically really unsafe but I didn’t really care at the moment. Then by Tuesday morning I had become completely numb. I had a 5 hour break before the Physics test in which I usually do as much studying as possible but I wasn’t able to study at all. I was entirely numb. Like I logically knew that I should be studying and that I was going to hate myself for not studying but I didn’t care. I basically didn’t care about anything. It was a weird feeling because I logically knew all the horrible things that I should have been feeling at that moment but I didn’t feel any of them. Anyways, I actually managed to do ok on the Physics test because it ended up being a lot easier than the stuff he assigned as homework. That was a really lucky thing because if it would have been hard and I did badly I would have hated myself for it and that would have made things worse. Anyways, for the next couple days I was pretty much numb. Like I was a little better as far as physically numb but my mind had completely put up a wall. It is a weird feeling because there are so many things that are stressing me out and stuff but I can’t actually think about any of them. Its like a giant mass of things in my head but my mind prevents me from accessing any single item to actually think about it. That gave me a lot of physical feeling of anxiety but I couldn’t associate it to any particular thing so I couldn’t do anything to handle it which was horrible. I ended up choking myself on Wednesday night purely because I didn’t want to deal with the physical anxiety and the only way I could really relieve it was to use physical destruction. On Thursday I had to see my shrink. I was kinda freaked out about saying the whole thing about me being destructive and she asked about how my body reacted but I wouldn’t tell her. I was still kinda freaked out tho. I basically completely dissociated the entire time which suxed. Like I could have sat there the entire time just sitting staring at the floor but I was trying so hard to be focused. It was dissociating to the point that it is hard for me to actually interact with the world. I don’t remember a whole lot about that session but one thing that I do remember is that she talked about me thinking that I was evil. That kind of bothered me but I wasn’t really able to think about it until tonight. I have been trying to think about the things we talked about in session but my mind still had the whole mental wall up so I couldn’t really think. Apparently I am kinda getting back past that as of tonight though I still don’t feel as much control over my mind as I usually feel. I really don’t like that because I am obsessive about control over my mind. It is how I manage to function despite all of the things that are wrong with me. Anyways, in the session she stated that I must think that I am evil because I punish myself. She said that you don’t really punish things that are worthless. You may not take care of them or disregard them but you don’t physically punish them. She said that you punish something that is evil. I didn’t really like the statement because I have never really considered myself evil. I tried to think about it one other night this past week and I looked up references to evil in the bible but it didn’t seem to fit. I think I see myself more as fundamentally bad than evil. People that are evil hurt other people. I would never hurt anyone else only myself. Then tonight I was kinda sitting playing a game as I was thinking about something and I thought to myself that I should be able to handle my own pain and suffering. It actually started from me being frustrated with one of my friends because she is always complaining about the most trivial things but the whole pain and suffering quote reminded me of the bible. Its like something that has been said in church many times tho I don’t really remember all of the reference off the top of my head. I guess it made me think of the pain and suffering that Jesus endured for us. I kinda feel like I am like that in a way. I would never even think of comparing myself to Jesus because he is perfect and I pretty much feel that everything about me is bad but I guess I thought of the situation. I have thought multiple times before of what I did to deserve all the stuff that has happened to me. I could never really come up with anything that I had done that seemed horrible enough which kinda bothered me but I simply attributed it to the fact that life is not fair. I guess that’s where I get the whole thing of I should simply endure anything whether or not I logically deserve it. The times I punish myself is when I can’t seem to handle things. I hurt myself when I get overwhelmed and can’t handle things. I hurt myself badly when I just get completely overwhelmed and can’t handle life anymore. I guess that is me kinda giving up and therefore I deserve to die if I can’t handle life. The punishment isn’t necessarily for actions that I have taken to hurt others but my inability to handle things. I basically feel that it is my job to handle everything and to be there for everyone and I get frustrated when I can’t. When I can’t handle everything that happens then I deserve to be punished for my inability to handle things not because of the things themselves. The ironic thing is that this was unconsciously derived from church and the bible when I can’t bring myself to believe in God anymore. Like in a way I want to believe in God but I can’t seem to do it. I feel like I am faking because I don’t really believe and then I am pretending to be something I am not which is a hypocrite. I have been told many times that it is worse to pretend to follow God when you don’t than it is to flat out deny him altogether. I guess I tried to force myself to believe for quite a while and tried to ignore any doubts I had but at some point I gave up. Jesus could handle things because he was perfect. He had God to help him. I have no one. I depend on no one and trust no one. I guess I look at it and it seems to be such an impossible task and it basically is, but there are a lot of things that I do/think that I know logically don’t make sense but it is how I think. It is interesting to gain this understanding though. I guess it helps me put things more into perspective and better understand why I think the way that I do. I am not really sure how I feel about all of this at the moment because I just realized it a little bit ago but it is good to have the insight. It gives me a little less stress to have gained more understanding of my mind.

So I should really really be studying right now but I have managed to get so depressed that I can barely function within an hour. It is amazing how quickly my mental state can change. It is actually hard to even write right now. Its hard to put thoughts together and I honestly lack the motivation to just sit and type. Usually I type blog entries  very quickly and just say whatever happens to come to my mind but I keep pausing every couple words and just stare at the computer then I have to force myself to finish the sentence. The really really crappy part is that I have a 7 hour block starting in an hour. That is going to be hell. I have a test in comp sci and I have already managed to fail 2 tests this week. I can’t focus at all right now and there are soo many things that I desperately need to be working on. Basically since yesterday I basically figured out the reason that I am still alive. Its something that I have been wondering since my present shrink was trying to figure it out and now I have an answer. I guess it just makes me realize how incredibly pointless my life is. It is far easier when I simply don’t think about those kind of things. Honestly I have nothing. I don’t have a past, present or future. I don’t have anyone that I can depend on. I am completely on my own. Almost all my emotions are carefully constructed and the only ones that are actually real are the bad ones. Those ones I can’t seem to completely control. I have absolutely no meaning. I don’t even deserve to exist. The only reason I exist is because I am not allowed to die. I don’t know. I guess its kinda depressing to sit and be aware that your entire life means nothing. I was pretty much aware of that before, but I tried to not think about it. I don’t know. I really want to give up right now. I am not sure what I am going to do or where I am going to go from here. I guess I have to just keep waiting as usual. Whatever. I don’t want to type anymore so I guess I am going to stop.

Ok, so I have had a really stressful day and I haven’t really been blogging in a long time but since someone actually decided to pay attention to this I figured I would write to try to release some of the stress that I am feeling right now so I don’t end up strangling myself again. I figure I have done it the past couple nights and it is getting pretty late so I can handle it for the rest of the night and just go to bed. So yah, this morning wasn’t too bad. I got up early and went to school because we all have to go in at 8 am because there is only one car right now and Mary had to work at 8. For the first hour I didn’t really do much. We went and got some coffee and kinda just hung out in the engineering lounge. Then at 9 a girl that apparently hates me and is only nice to me to be manipulative and show me how much her life is better than mine came and sat with me. I needed to study and didn’t really feel like talking to her so one of my friends and I went to the lab to study for our Assembly Language test. We kinda studied for like an hour and we pretty much felt like we knew what we were doing. I understood the basic commands and how to use them to perform a given function so I thought I was fine. For the rest of the time we pretty much just hung out in the lab. So apparently we weren’t at all prepared for the exam. It turned out to be almost entirely on how the bits of memory map on a processor. It is something that we have kinda talked about as we learned new functions but it was never really the primary topic of any lectures. I felt I didn’t know what I was doing on any of the questions and there were only 5 of them so I know I failed. That was definitely stressful. After that I just hung out with one of my friends and then had lunch with a group of friends. I couldn’t go home until 4 because I don’t have a car so I went to a lab and worked on my comp sci project. I am behind on it because I should have started a week ago but I didn’t have a computer at home and didn’t really have time to work on it at school. I was really stressed out but I did manage to get some of my project done so that wasn’t that bad. When I got home I didn’t really do much because we were going to go out shopping so I basically just waited around. Shopping wasn’t bad and I am getting my phone replaced because it randomly turns off which is good that it didn’t cost me much. When I got home I kinda ate and then was just hanging out but my anxiety level was really high. I basically just watched tv and didn’t really accomplish much which is really stupid of me but whatever. I guess its better than getting stressed to the point that I have a break down for strangle myself. I don’t think I am particularly close to a breakdown yet which is good but choking myself obviously isn’t a particularly a good way to handle things. I am being way to introspective lately. I can’t get out of my head. I always fine pretending everything is ok around people and generally I can convince myself of it, at least on the surface. I logically know that things aren’t ok but as long as I don’t focus on that things are fine. I guess since I have seeing a therapist again and reading a book about boarderline personality disorder I am analyzing myself a lot more. I am still curious if I actually have boarderline personality disorder. They wanted me to do the whole dialectic behavioral therapy which is designed for people with BPD but no one has every technically diagnosed me with anything. Technically I haven’t exactly been diagnosed with even depression though that one is pretty obvious and I am taking meds for it. Anyways, I do see a lot of myself in the character in the book I am reading and technically I fit the description but that doesn’t exactly make me sure. I am far more in control than any of the people in the psych stuff that I read but then I guess if they were in control they wouldn’t exactly have a book. I really want to ask what I technically have but I highly doubt I would get a direct answer. Anyways, back to tonight. When I got home I started talking to one of my friends who is having a lot of problems handling college and stress, etc. She is a friend from high school and basically came to school here because of me. She is like my little sister and I really want to protect her. She is already crashing though. She has already had a panic attack and we are only in week 4. She can’t seem to handle the stress and is getting completely burned out already. I am worried what is going to happen because she is this bad already. It really frustrates me because I can see myself in her. I went through so much of the stuff and it really pains me to see her go through it. I don’t wish what I have been through on anyone and I so badly want to fix everything for her. The problem is I don’t know the answers. I don’t know how to fix it and make things better. I feel like it is my job to fix it and I desperately want to help her but I don’t know how. Then as I am talking to her my computer was being incredibly slow which made it difficult to talk and then my mom calls. So she is telling me all of the things that are going on at home and I still feel that I should be there and helping her but there isn’t really anything I can do about that either. It was a lot more stressful when I was actually home because I had to see it everyday and see her pain and be helpless but I still know her pain. I want to help her but I can’t. There are all these people that I desperately want to help and desperately want to fix their lives but I can’t and I feel horrible. I am not exactly handling my own problems all that well at the moment. I don’t want anyone to have the feelings I have though. When I see people hurting I feel like it is my job to fix it and I can’t but I can’t just accept that. Anyways, basically things aren’t going well because I can’t get out of my head. My life is pointless and honestly if I let myself think about it I really don’t have a reason to live. My shrink keeps trying to figure out why I am not dead yet with all the horrible thoughts I have. I know she is just trying to figure out what keeps me going so she can improve that and give me more reason to be alive but I don’t really have a reason. Honestly I have no idea why I am still alive and that is frustrating to think about. I don’t care if I die. I don’t care if I am in pain. I pretty much don’t care about any of it. I obsess about grades and being perfect yet I know in the long run none of it matters. I am pretty much always a failure. Anything I do has no real worth and I don’t know why I endure everyday. I am alive because people seem to need me to be alive. I know I would hurt people and probably destroy some people if I were to kill myself and I can’t seem to forgive myself for that. I guess I feel like it is ok for me to suffer if it benefits other people. I don’t really care about my own feelings or my own pain as long as I survive. I guess I haven’t really thought about that very much, but that is basically the reason I am living. I see my life as worthless and myself as worthless but I know it would hurt others if I were to die so I keep on living. The bad part is that is a horrible reason for being alive. I guess its good in the fact that it can be seen as self sacrificing or whatever but I don’t really see it that way. I guess that is why my life is so tenuous. I really don’t want to live but I feel like I don’t have a choice. The thing is I can’t live forever for other people. There is a point. At a certain point I can’t handle it all. I can handle more physical and emotional pain than most people in general but I guess even I have a limit even if I don’t like to admit it. I guess that goes into the whole thing about me feeling I am a burden on others. If my life only continues to prevent hurting others, than my existence should not trouble others in any way. I guess that is goes into the whole feeling like I am a burden on those around me. If I never existed people wouldn’t have to worry about it. I wouldn’t pain anyone if I were dead because I was never there in the first place. That is the optimal solution. I hate that I exist or that I ever existed. Unfortunately I can’t simply wipe myself from existence because that isn’t possible. I don’t let people get close to me because then I become more of a burden on them and it would be worse if I were to die. I don’t feel like people should have a connection to me. I am worthless. I try to be there for everyone else and fix all their problems even when there isn’t really anything I can do. That is my only purpose in being alive. If I can not fix others problems and prevent them from being in pain then that makes it even worse that I exist. Unfortunately I have to exist and cannot wipe myself from existence so I feel that I need to take the burdens of everyone else. I hurt myself when I can’t handle thing because that seems to be the only way that I can actually relieve all the horrible things that I feel and I don’t care what happens to me. I don’t care what pain I feel physically or mentally because I don’t matter. I can learn to deal with it. Part of the whole pushing it to increase the pain is the fact that it could kill me. In my mind I am technically not allowed to die but I desperately want to. Therefore I hurt myself in a dangerous way so that I can basically accidently kill myself. If I do it intentionally then it is unforgiveable and even though I will be dead the effect that it will have on other people is something that is worth more than ending my pain. Everytime I have attempted to kill myself there was always a chance that it wouldn’t happen. I used to tell myself that I wasn’t actually going to die and make plans for the next day as I was attempting to kill myself. If I do it with the purpose of killing myself than I can’t because that is being selfish. However, if I do it simply to hurt myself that is ok and if I “accidentally” die in the process it is ok because that is what I really want in the first place. I often think of how people would react to my death. I want to know how it would affect them. I try to convince myself that people would care and it wouldn’t affect them but I know it isn’t true. The people I am trying to help are at the point where I don’t know if they could handle me dying. I guess it goes back to fighting for two completely opposite things. Before I was more aware of the battle and so it exhausted me more and stressed me out more. It still goes on in my head every day but I try to not be consciously aware of it. My life is best when I am not consciously aware of all the bad things. I am so used to pretending that everything is ok that I can temporarily make myself believe it. I guess I logically know that this can’t last forever though. My life have been absolute hell for years. I have attempted to kill myself and put my life in danger a lot. Eventually something is going to happen. I guess that is what I am waiting for. I know that something is going to have to happen eventually I just don’t know when. I obsess myself with being perfect because almost failing in sophomore year is what got me in trouble. I have to try to be perfect to prove to everyone else and try to convince myself that I am ok. I obviously can never be perfect and will always be a failure but I am ok with that. I have accepted that I am always a failure and kinda comes with the territory considering I don’t deserve to exist. My entire life is this very carefully structured façade. I am so used to it that at times I can believe it. My happiness used to be manufactured but now it is simply a part of who I am. I smile even when I am talking about horrible things because I can’t allow myself to attach to them. I have learned that I should react to everything with smiling and laughing. I have basically failed 2 tests this week which is going to crush me when I get the grades and I know that, but afterwards I was smiling. I was ranting about how it frustrated me and was hyper because the anxiety I felt but I was smiling and laughing. It is basically the only acceptable way to respond to things. It isn’t something I choose to do, it simply is. Every once and a while I will look back and notice it and sometime people will notice that I smile and laugh even when I should be upset but it is how I deal with daily life. I cannot allow any crack in my façade. I have built my existence upon it and if it falls apart then there is nothing left. I don’t necessarily fear the nothingness but I guess I don’t know how I would survive it. This is how I survive. My life is hell but I keep going on for others. I know that at any moment my life could completely fall apart because none of it is real and I don’t know if I would be able to survive that. My entire life is about survival. Everything I do an all of the ways that I have adapted both good or bad are simply to survive. I have developed defense mechanisms that have basically turned into disorders because that is what was necessary. I am not allowed to die though so all my energy must be focused on surviving. So as for not I basically just exist and wait. I do what I need to in order to keep going but I really have no idea what is going to happen. Eventually everything is going to crack and I know that is going to be really bad, probably both for me and others. I am more concerned about what it would do to others though. Until then I basically just wait. I do whatever I need to and see what happens. Anything beyond this single moment I live in is unknown. The past is gone because it is too bad and not important to think about. I cannot let myself dwell in the past. The future is something that I can’t count on because it is so uncertain. I make plans on a regular basis but I don’t exactly look forward to them. If things happen then they happen if not whatever. I see no point in looking forward to things when there is basically the chance that at any moment it could all fall apart. I don’t really live in the present because everything I do is a façade. All of my reactions are things that I have basically learned. I guess since there is no real past, present or future I don’t really have anything. I don’t have people I can depend on I try to limit the people that care about me and try to pull away when people get close because I think it could be detrimental to them. No one deserves to deal with me. No one can handle how I think and feel. I guess when I sit and look at it I really have absolutely nothing. Kinda sad in a way but I am not going to really think about it because I shouldn’t think about bad things. Anyways, I think I am going to stop writing now. This is a really long entry and probably very redundant but it has actually given me a lot of insight. As I keep writing I make new realizations that seem to connect to how I think. A lot of it makes more sense now. Not sure that it really helps anything but I like to know what is going on. I like to be able to analyze it. I basically discovered why I am not dead yet. That is a question several people have asked and I never really had an answer to. Anyways, I am going to stop now and attempt to relax. I am hoping that by slightly understanding my mind a little more I can better adapt to it.

So I just choked myself kinda badly and I wanted to say something about it but there isn’t exactly anyone that I can trust talking to so I guess I will just write here. I started back with the choking myself a couple days ago. I had done it for a while but then stopped because I came really close to killing myself. I didn’t stop because I was afraid of killing myself, I stopped because I knew the limit. The purpose of it was always to push the limit. I was being self destructive yet at the same time putting my life in jeopardy. They weren’t exactly a suicide attempt, but a way to cause myself pain. I tried doing it several times after I almost killed myself but it didn’t seem to really help because I had knew the limit so I wouldn’t push myself that far unless I truly intended to kill myself. Anyways, recently I was thinking about it and I wondered if I had really gotten all that close to killing myself. I always seem to dissociate when I am doing it and so I wasn’t quite sure. The reason I thought I was close was because I was choking myself and I fell forward and my head hit the floor. Basically the idea of choking myself is that if I happen to pass out I would never wake up. It is like dying accidentally on purpose. Well, since I recently wasn’t sure if I had really made it that close I have started experimenting again. My life is going kinda badly at the moment and I am back to not seeing the point of being alive so that kinda goes along with it. Well, I pretty much always feel that way, but I try to keep it out of my conscious thoughts. Anyways, so today was a really crappy day. I got up this morning and I was exhausted cuz I didn’t sleep well. I kept waking up during the night really disoriented and not knowing where I was. When we were getting ready I was freezing so I decided to turn on the heat in our apartment. Apparently the furnace was blowing out gas. It quickly began to smell really badly and when we figured out what it was we turned it off, but the house already smelled pretty badly. On the car ride too school there was a lot of tension. Ak has been stressed because she doesn’t have a job and her bf doesn’t have a job so she has been paying everything for both of them. Basically she was getting frustrated with everything and that kinda included us because she is presently the only one with a car since Ally got into an accident. When I got to school I was kinda starting to feel nauseous but it wasn’t that bad. I had a doctor appointment this morning for my shoulder and they basically told me to take a lot of ibuprofen and come back in a week. I guess that is a good thing because I can’t really afford to go to a specialist and that is what they would do if it doesn’t get better. After that I went and hung out in the engineering lounge. I started feeling really sick at this point. I saw this girl that was my friend last year and then there was a huge mess with apartments and we ended up living in different places and she basically hated me. I was trying to be nice and she was being friendly and so I sat with her on a couch cuz there was no where else to sit. She then proceeded to brag for the next hour about how amazing her life is, and how amazing it is to live in her house and basically just trying to make me feel bad the entire time. I got to find out at the end of the day today that she really still hates me and is only being nice to be manipulative. That definitely didn’t help with my bad mood. So after she left I still had an hour left til class so I was just sitting around. I kinda wanted to sleep but a bunch of my friends were there so I talked to them instead. By class I had a really bad headache and stomach ache and I felt like I was going to pass out. Oh, and I forgot my classes today with the gas leak and Ally losing her thumb drive so I couldn’t really see anything. It was incredibly difficult to get anything from that class because I felt so sick and I could barely see anything. After that I decided to see if I could miss any of my classes this afternoon because I had a six hour block and I felt horrible. My calc professor wasn’t in his office but my physics professor was online so I talked to him and he said it was ok if I missed class. So I laid down for like 40 minutes but didn’t sleep. It was nice to just lie down though. After that I went to lunch with some of my friends because I was hungry and had already coordinated lunch. Lunch wasn’t too bad but I was still feeling horrible. I hung out for a while and then ended up staying there longer cuz Maria was having a really hard time dealing with everything so I was trying to help her. After that I attempted to go to the library to study for calc because I was skipping physics. I was really stressed about skipping because I am terrified of falling behind in physics because this is already my second time taking the class. Since my first professor basically said on a regular basis that if I didn’t know what I was doing I should switch my major, everytime I don’t know what to do I get really stressed out. Basically it makes me feel even more like a failure than I normally would. I didn’t really manage to study much because I was so stressed and sick and couldn’t focus. The calc test ended up not being too hard but I forgot things. I forgot Newton’s law of cooling which was stupid and so I didn’t know how to do the entire first problem. Then the test was way too long and he didn’t update us on time so when he announced 3 minutes left I still had 2 problems that I hadn’t worked on and there were only 6 major problems in the test. I was working on a graph for one of the problems and I kinda got lost working on it and lost focus that it was a test so I didn’t get done. That made me really frustrated because I could have gotten the other ones if I would have had the time to do them. In workshop I tried to help but I still couldn’t focus very well and kept making really stupid mistakes. The problem wasn’t all that hard in terms of level of calculus but there was a lot of complex algebra and I wasn’t feeling good so I kept messing up and wasn’t much help. After that I had to go to comp sci. That wasn’t too bad except the class was incredibly boring and I was very exhausted and stressed out. She went over examples of recursion which took like a half hour each and were extremely repetitive. After class we went to the car, picked up Ally and Mary and started going home. In the car Mary was really picking on me a lot. It is something we just do on a regular basis but I was in a really bad mood so it felt like everyone was ganging up against me. Normally it doesn’t matter because we do it all the time but I just wasn’t in the mood. Then when we got home we were making dinner and Mary started making a really big deal about me being a vegetarian. Like I have known her for a year and she has known I am a vegetarian and has never said anything about it. She just kept going on and on about how I am killing plants and it is stupid to not eat meat because I am killing animals and that it is a really dumb reason etc. I didn’t really feel like arguing and I really didn’t have a whole lot to say to defend my choices. Most people just accept that it is my decision and respect that. Ally was trying to stay neutral by saying that she could see it both ways but that didn’t exactly help. Anyways, I ended up finishing making my dinner and then going to my room. I didn’t eat much of any of it because I was too stressed. When I got to my room I realized my phone had turned off and when I turned it on and had several messages from Maria saying that she was freaking out. I told her to get online so we could talk faster and she did but she didn’t respond much. She was definitely having a panic attack and I have had them before but I didn’t know what to do to help her. I desperately wanted to be there and comfort her and help her but there was nothing I could really do except try to talk to her. Then she would stop responding for periods of time and I would get really worried that something bad happened. Finally she did get someone to be with her because I told her she shouldn’t be alone and she if presently out on a walk with one of her friends. So, basically that is all the stuff today that lead up to me choking myself. I guess there really isn’t much more to it than that. I can do it far easier now because I want to experiment and so when I am really stressed instead of trying to just deal with it like I usually do I just choked myself. It is partially being extremely stressed, feeling crappy, frustration at people, not seeing a point in life, and wanting to see how far I can go. So basically doing it wasn’t much. I have kinda a different methodology now. Before I would tighten it quickly then sit until I didn’t feel like doing it anymore, or the physical sensation became uncomfortable and I wanted to stop. Now I am keeping it on longer but making it more progressive. I am really good at having a really high pain tolerance so I can handle a lot more than most ppl, but I can also make it higher but increasing the level of pain. All physical feelings are neurological so its basically mind over matter. Now I tighten it to like a starting point which is basically as tight as it will go without actually twisting the skin on my neck. Basically this cuts off part of the blood returning from my head and so it becomes progressively more painful the longer I keep it on because the pressure builds. As of like yesterday I decided to do that and then progressively try to make it tighter. Basically I would sit until I could force myself to be fine with the currently level of pain and then make it tighter. At a certain point it begins to constrict my air way. The natural response to that is of course choking. I was sitting there and kept trying to tighten it more but I would start choking and my apartment mates are home so I couldn’t risk them hearing me. I locked the door to my room, but if someone freaks out they would try to get in and if someone figured out what I was doing then they would probably put me in a hospital which is the last thing I want. Plus, if I do happen to kill myself I don’t want someone to find me before I am completely dead and try to revive me and then live as some vegetable. So anyways, I was sitting there and kept choking so I decided to put something in my mouth. There was a fleece blanket sitting on the shelf next to me so took and unrolled it partially and stuck it in my mouth. This muffled any coughing and also forced me to breathe through my nose decreasing the amount of choking noises. I pretty managed to tighten it one more revolution with that. After that I just sat there for a minute and then decided to take it off. I made a mark on my neck because I tightened it more than I usually do so I am hoping that will go away. It looked really bad right afterwards but generally it goes away by morning. I feel like my neck is bruised but I can cover that up if I need to. I guess that is about it. Right now I am kinda just hanging out in my room. I don’t have any emotional connection at all to what I did, but I am less stressed now. It basically completely takes all of the stuff off my mind. Like I know it is all still there but I am detached from it enough at the moment to manage it. I know it will probably all be back tomorrow but I will deal with it then. The weird part is everytime I choke myself I don’t really feel bad and don’t really mind the pain. Like if there are any residual effects from the pressure in my head I simply find them interesting and that is about it. It makes me want to do it again and see how far I can push it the next time. I won’t do it twice in one night because there generally isn’t a need to. Right now I am simply sitting here, kinda empty as far as emotions but at least it is ok.  

Ok, so I feel like an absolute failure at the moment so I figured I would rant so I don't get upset at work. I have been working for the past 10 weeks and at the end we get our final review. Basically I got a bad review. In the beginning of the summer I had issues with one of the guys in my group being a sexist jerk. I was stupid and mentioned something to my boss because it was really starting to get to me. Well, that became this huge issue that ended up with this big HR mess. So then for most of the summer we had horrible team dynamic and I had a lot of issues. I had trouble standing up for myself and was stupid and told my boss these things. I told my boss that I feel that everything that I do is bad unless someone tells me it is ok. That was a stupid decision. Basically I told the people around some of the things that go through my head. It was actually extremely minimal stuff compared to all of the stuff I deal with but basically the things that pertain to work. I was really dumb and tried to let other people help me deal with things. I don't know why I was stupid enough to do that because I have already established countless times that my life and everyone else's around me are a lot better if no one knows what is going on in my life. I was stupid and weak and let other people get involved in my life. I was weak and wanted other people to help me. I was trying to make my life better and now I am just a complete failure. I really don't deserve to exist. I hate this. I don't want to go home and I don't want to go to school. This was the best place that I have lived so far and now I have completely screwed up my chance of ever coming back simply because I wanted to make my life easier. Life isn't easy. I know this. I shouldn't bother other people simply so I can feel better about myself. I could have changed my personality to better fit what I knew they wanted out of me, but instead I let them see all of the horrible things that I feel. I am so stupid. I so badly want to do something horrible right now. I have no idea what to do. I haven't packed or anything because I don't want to go home. I have screwed up everything. I can't deal with it anymore. I was stupid enough to deceave myself to think that things could be different. I shouldn't let people know that I struggle. I hate so much that I exist right now. I have no idea what I am going to do. I guess I am still at work at the moment so I need to just block it all out and figure it out later.

I am stressed about work and that Justin is being a jerk and that he treats me like crap and everytime he treats me like crap I feel horrible about myself. I hate that I am so messed up that stupid arrogant ppl like him can upset me so much and feel so horrible about myself. I hate that I am literally so mentally messed up that my body is shutting down. I am afraid that there actually could be something wrong with me that is serious and I can’t even afford the medical bills that I have and wouldn’t be able to pay for it. I don’t even want to fight with a serious disease if I had one but everyone would hate me if I got sick and didn’t do anything about it. I am frustrated because I feel that me being sick is probably just my body shutting down because I literally don’t care anymore but can’t do anything about it. I am frustrated that I can’t afford the meds that I need. I hate that I have to take meds in the first place and that my mind is such a mess that I will be messed up if I don’t take them. I hate that there is nothing the doctors can do to help me. I hate that no one can understand what I am going through and that I can’t even begin to tell anyone because no one can handle my life yet I have to live with it every single day. I hate that I am a burden to everyone around me. I hate that I can’t have any normal relationships. I hate that I have told the people at work way too much and now everyone sees me as fragile. I hate being treated like an idiot. I hate that I am an idiot. I hate depending on other people because they always fall through. I hate that I am stupid enough to even try in the first place even though I told myself that I wouldn’t.  

I don’t know what to really say at the moment but I am overwhelmed and felt the need to write. Maybe this will help me stop going over the same things over and over again in my head. I am just so sick of everything right now. I am sick, I am exhausted. I am literally physically and mentally falling apart and I don’t know what to do about it. Physically I have been having chest pains, half the time I feel like I can’t breathe, I am tired all of the time. I am so exhausted and the fact that I always feel incredibly horrible is really really frustrating me. I am falling so far behind from being sick and this is the last week before final exams. I just can’t deal with it all. I don’t even really know what I think about any of it anymore. I don’t have that part of me that is fighting to succeed but I don’t have that part of me that is fighting to die. It is just all gone. I don’t care about much of anything really. I can see I am falling apart but there is nothing that I can do about it. I can’t force myself to care. At the same time, I can’t really seem to force myself to die. Well, I am sure that I could die because at any point it is a decision but I see no point if I don’t fully want it. I don’t want to live, but I can’t bring myself to die. I just can’t deal with all of it. I am going through everyday and I don’t even know what I am doing. I go through the motions because I have to. I always go through the motions, but honestly, if someone asked me how I feel about it all I really wouldn’t know. I don’t know where I stand. I never know how I am going to feel each day or really each hour. Everything is up in the air. It is out of control. My life is out of control. It’s not even really the feeling of floating because even that was controlled. I was just sitting, waiting for death to come. I had accepted it and was ok with it. I could look for something to make me die and that was how I continued. Now I don’t know what I have. I don’t know how I feel. I guess I haven’t had as much time to think about it with being so sick, but I can still see that I am falling apart. The only person that I really talk to about any of this can see that I am falling apart. I just can’t bring myself to care about anything. I don’t know how long I can continue like this though. It is horrible. I rather be constantly wanting to die than to just exist in this state. Half the time things are really unreal. Like right now everything feels unreal. I still can’t bring myself to accept that I live in NY. I can’t bring myself to believe that I am in college or that I am going to be an engineer. I make plans for the summer but I don’t really believe them. I have never really believed them. Everything that has happened in my life over the past 6 months seems completely unreal. I know that most of my life is generally unreal but it is almost painful to look at. Everything I went through means nothing. All of the things I did are meaningless. I don’t think that any of it will ever have any meaning. It has been 6 months and I can’t accept it. I can’t seem to move on in my mind. I don’t know. I just feel frustrated. I can’t deal with life. I don’t want to do this anymore. I am exhausted and I am tired of fighting. I am falling apart and I can’t seem to fight it. I just want to go to sleep. I want to curl up in a ball and have it all go away.

So I am at the library right now and I felt the need to write. I left my dorm because I couldn’t bear to be there anymore and decided to start walking. Had no idea where I was going but decided to walk. I have done this a couple times when life was unbearable and I my roommates where there. So I guess as I was walking I decided to stop at the library and write.

So basically my life is falling apart right now. Well, more accurately, I am falling apart. I hate seeing the new DBT therapist. I am depressed. I have been getting really sick and I don’t even know what it is. At first they said that I kept having breathing problems because I had something really serious wrong with me and now they tell me it may just be stress. I guess it pretty much sux either way. If it is something serious then I can’t really do anything about it because I don’t have insurance. If it is just stress then the whole thing is my fault for not being able to manage it. I guess it is better that it is just stress. Well actually, idk. I am at the point that I really don’t care if I had something serious wrong with me. I actually think it would make it easier. I mean if I was going to die anyways of some disease then it would be easier to simply kill myself. It would actually make sense to other people. There would be some physical reason that they could understand.

*sigh* Idk how I feel right now. I just don’t care anymore. This weekend I kinda reached my breaking point. I had a meltdown. It was basically just sitting and crying for 20 mins. Lol. I know, crying is stupid but I just couldn’t deal with it. I was exhausted and I had tons of stuff to do and I couldn’t focus and I felt horrible and basically just couldn’t deal with it all anymore. So yah, I got really upset and then got over it as usual. But idk, it was different. Like my will to fight is over. For years I have been constantly fighting. Sometimes fighting to live, sometimes to die, sometimes for control, but whatever it was I was always fighting. Most times I was fighting for two complete opposite extremes. And the whole time it was incredibly exhausting and painful but I survived. This is how I lived. Now I don’t care to fight anymore. Like I have said that before but it was more of saying it. This is feeling it. It isn’t me mentally deciding that I don’t want to fight anymore, it is my mind and body deciding for me. I had an episode of not breathing today but that was my fault. I let it happen. I was stressed out and exhausted in the first place. Then I went to talk to my comp sci professor and she told me that I had missed a test this morning and I couldn’t make it up. They drop the lowest test score so the 0 will just be dropped, but I needed that test. I didn’t do all that great on the past 2 and I at least needed the chance to do better. I probably would have done horrible because I have been so far behind on everything but I needed the chance. I then was running around to get there on time and then get to Physics and I just couldn’t breathe. I guess I let myself stop breathing because I was frustrated and angry. I probably could have controlled it if I really tried but I was angry at myself. I had paramedics again. I didn’t really want them, I just wanted someone to take me back to my dorm so I could use my nebulizer, but whatever.

Anyways, I might stop writing now. Idk where I am going to go. I kinda want to just walk. Like I don’t even care if I stay on campus. I want to go until I can’t anymore. I don’t care where I end up. I brought the scarf that I use to choke myself in case I want to use it but idk what I am going to do. I am honestly falling apart to the point that I don’t even care to kill myself. I mean, to go through with the act of taking my life requires a level of anger. I have to want to do it. Right now I don’t want anything. I don’t care about anything. I know it is totally cliché but I really just want to fall asleep and not wake up. I don’t want the pain of killing myself, I don’t want the experience, I don’t care to put in the effort, I just want it all to go away. I can’t deal with life anymore. I am exhausted. I really just don’t care anymore. I have completely lost the will to fight for anything, including death. How pathetic is it when I am so exhausted and falling apart to the point that I can’t even kill myself. I guess when your entire survival is a constant internal war then when you stop fighting there is nothing left. The really crappy part is that I can’t talk to anyone about this even if I wanted to. I saw the psychologist guy tonight and wanted to say something to him about how I hated the DBT lady and was being forced to do all this crap but he didn’t ask, and I felt like I shouldn’t bring it up. Idk why I didn’t. I was sitting there wanting to but I couldn’t bring myself to say anything.  I just felt like I shouldn’t even tho I wanted to. I kinda wish I would have because maybe he would have been able to at least help a little but but I didn’t. I guess it doesn’t matter now. A part of me wants to e-mail my old therapist. I know that she isn’t supposed to see me anymore but at least she listened. Right now I desperately need someone to listen. I guess since I no longer am fighting to die I don’t really want it. At least at the moment I don’t. But I am falling apart and I can’t really live either. I guess if I don’t do something then I am going to die. I don’t see the psychologist guy for 2 weeks and I have to go back to the DBT lady on Monday. I hate talking to her tho. Everytime I don’t want to do something she just threatens me with the stupid contract. I hate the idiot people for making me sign a contract. I hate them for messing with my life. They are killing me. They have taken away my options. I could have tried to survive but no, they had to ruin it. Now I either do what they want or die. I do a program that I didn’t think was going to work or I die. I have nothing to go back to if I leave here. Being here is my only chance at any future at all even if I don’t really believe in it. If I leave here then I have nothing. Yet I am a liability to them so they have to deal with me as such. They are going to kill me just to protect themselves. If they would shut up for a minute and listen to me then maybe they could help but no. They have to destroy my life. I hate the idiot people for killing me. They are so concerned about not being legally responsible if I die that they are going to kill me. They are killing me. But who cares about that. As long as I am no longer a liability. God I hate life.

Anyways, I don’t really have much else to say at the moment so I guess I am going to go. I am basically going to walk until I don’t feel like it anymore. I have no idea where I am going. It isn’t exactly a huge campus so I don’t have a whole lot of places that I can go. I might go off campus. That definitely increases the danger of something happening but I don’t really care at the moment. I mean, worse that could happen is that someone kidnaps me and kills me. Then I wouldn’t have to do it myself. Well actually worse that could happen is that I get raped. That would definitely be more horrible than death. But then I think I would be able to do it. That would give me the motivation. That would give me the anger so I guess I don’t really care anymore. I don’t care what happens. I pretty much don’t care about anything at the moment. I am exhausted. I don’t want to fight. I don’t want to deal with it.

So, I should really really be doing my Physics homework right now but I feel the need to rant. Oh, and someone is on my usual couch right now so I have to be sitting at a desk which sux. It is easier to just relax and rant if I can relax. Lol. Anyways, today wasn’t that bad I guess. The weather suxed. It was like insanely cold and windy. Like we actually had wind advisories and had like 50-60 mph winds. Lol, I am being random tonight. So I had a comp sci test today. That went ok. I think I will do ok. Ok, forget the random going through the meaningless details of my day. That is what I used to do and I don’t really feel like wasting time recalling the details of what I did today. So the big thing is that I went to the psychologist today. Idk why but I had a lot of anxiety about going there. I was really depressed too. I was sitting in the waiting room and I felt horrible. Talking to him wasn’t that bad though. He is one of the few people that I actually don’t mind talking to. I basically went in there and explained that I was there basically because I was being forced to. I told him about the whole thing with public safety and the conduct board. I also told him that they were being stupid and really taking away my options which is true. I either do a program that I don’t believe will actually work or I die. My chances are great. Lol. He said that it was sad and also said that he didn’t believe that I should have to take meds if I didn’t want to. He was actually really adamant about that one. He said that he was the doctor and the one that had gone to school for so many years and he is the only one that can prescribe me meds. We talked about the fact that I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do and was pretty frustrated with everything. I also told him about the whole fact that I can no longer cause myself enough physical pain to handle what I feel. Again, he just said it was sad. He seems to take an interest in the fact that I feel the need to hurt myself, especially since I choose to strangle myself. He seems to respect that I do it because I experience pain beyond what he can imagine. He asked me if I was still having suicidal tendencies and I said kinda. I probably shouldn’t have said that. He then asked if I was like planning anything and I said no, at which point he asked me if I would even tell him if I was. Again I told him no. Now that I think about it I really shouldn’t have said that. He didn’t seem all that concerned tho. Idk. I mean, when he first asked me about the choking thing I could tell he was concerned because he was all serious. This was more casual. I really have to be careful tho. I see such topics of conversation as casual but obviously the rest of the world doesn’t. I don’t think he will like go to the authorities though because he seemed to understand that it wasn’t exactly helping me. Everyone interfering in my life is only making things worse. He also agreed with me on the whole not liking when people tell you what to do. I still need to be careful. It is stupid to expect anyone to be able to handle the fact that I have suicidal tendencies. Gah. I feel like crap. I don’t want to do my homework. I am so incredibly exhausted. I really just don’t want to do anything. Everything is so incredibly unbearable. Oh, I thought about trying to OD a little bit ago. I had 18 of the Celexa because I abruptly stopped taking them instead when I wasn’t exactly supposed to. But I looked online and it said that it basically wouldn’t do all that much. I then looked through my drawer and I have some of the Zoloft stuff. I have 19 of those. They have been just sitting there for a couple months because I only took a few and then had to stop because they made me insanely depressed. Pretty much like I am right now. Lol. I thought of taking both, and maybe some of the sleeping med too but I decided not to. I don’t even know what really would have been my intention of doing it. I wasn’t exactly suicidal. I am just frustrated. I am exhausted. I am so sick of fight. I am so sick of struggling. I wanted to hurt myself. I wanted to be destructive in some way. Choking myself seems pointless now unless I am going to use it to kill myself. I can deal with the pain pretty easily now, which is weird because it is pretty intense pain. Well, I guess it’s not weird. I just learned to adapt. I really want to do something destructive right now. Like I don’t even really care what at the moment. I want to do something impulsive. I want to hurt myself in some way. I want to cause myself pain. I cannot deal with this. I have tons of work that I should be doing right now and I can’t focus. I don’t know how to do half the stuff in physics and it frustrates me so much. I just can’t deal with it. I am so completely drained. I am not all that suicidal but I just want it to all go away. It’s not even the really end it all thing, I just can’t deal with it all right now. *sigh* I am pretty much talking in circles right now though and I have tons of work to do so I need to stop writing.

So, yah. I should be writing an essay right now but I am having a horrible time focusing. I feel horrible. I had a minor panic attack tonight. Well idk if I would even really call it a panic attack. I have been having trouble breathing for the past week and I don’t know why. Which really sux because I am exhausted all of the time. It’s like I feel horrible enough as is, and now I can’t breathe half the time so I am exhausted. Basically tonight I was having trouble breathing and I was stressed and kinda started choking. Well I pretty much just got frustrated by the fact that I couldn’t breathe. I was basically just blaring music and trying to ignore it but that didn’t work all that well. It was a weird feeling though. Cuz I was coughing and struggling to breathe and I am sure I sounded horrible but I couldn’t really hear it because I had head phones on. Lol. But yah, I did get kinda bad. I was about to collapse partially from exhaustion partially from not being able to breathe. I didn’t want to collapse on my floor though because I was concerned that one of my roommates would walk in with me on the floor and that would be bad. So I went over to my bathroom and sat down against the wall and kinda let myself just collapse. That was interesting. I was just laying there in the dark on my bathroom floor. I have recently decided that I like being in the dark in the bathroom because it is pitch black. But yah, this wasn’t just being in there, this was actually just laying there on the floor struggling to breathe. It actually helped me calm my breathing down a lot faster than usual tho so I guess it isn’t that bad. Then one of my friends came. I was still pretty out of it and about to collapse but I went outside with her. It was sprinkling so we couldn’t sit on a bench cuz they were all wet and I could barely walk because I was still feeling pretty horrible. So we went and sat in this little area by our building that we call the wind tunnel. Lol, luckily it wasn’t all that windy tonight. We basically just sat there against the wall for a while. It was actually pretty nice. It was a good way to relax some. Then we came back. I went in my room but I still couldn’t get any work done. I felt horrible. I have been so depressed, angry, stressed, overwhelmed, exhausted etc. I am having a really difficult time dealing with everything. I feel so desperate. I just need a break but I can’t get one. Even weekends aren’t a break. The past couple weekends I spend Saturday doing nothing and feeling insanely depressed. Last Saturday the whole not being able to breathe thing was really getting to me so all I wanted to do was sleep all day. Then on Sunday I get up to go to work then come back and get really stressed about how much work to do. I usually end up staying up really late and getting very little done then going to sleep when I give up and cannot bear to be awake any longer. Then I have weekdays where I get up early and go to class then come back in the evening and get almost nothing done. I have had several nights where I have literally done like nothing. Like I haven’t accomplished anything tonight and it is already 11. I hate myself. I can’t deal with this. I am so exhausted. I am physically about to collapse. I have been so depressed that half the time I can barely function. I am so completely overwhelmed and drained. I don’t want to fight anymore. I just want to give up. Yet for some reason I feel slightly less suicidal. I guess it is because of this stupid DBT thing. I mean, I can’t say that I really believe in God right now but it feels like this was meant to happen. Idk what I believe really but I still feel that there is something watching out for me. I feel like things couldn’t just be random coincidence. Anyways, that is a whole other thing. Idk, I guess I feel like I happen to go to a school that has this DBT program that was basically designed for ppl like me. Apparently it isn’t exactly all that common of a thing to have. I guess in a way I want to try it. I guess knowing it is there means that I haven’t tried every options. I choose death because there are no other options. I have tried to kill myself because I didn’t see any other way out. Now I have this thing there. I honestly don’t see it actually working, but it is there. And even if I know the chances of it working are like non-existent I can’t fully convince myself that there is absolutely nothing. I still have that stupid part of me that is fighting to live. I am to the point that I hate that part of me. I guess I have hated that part before. I want to give up. I am exhausted. I don’t care anymore. I am to the point that I cannot physically cause myself enough pain without like mutilating myself. Strangling myself doesn’t even work anymore because it isn’t enough pain. I guess that is because I took it to the point of death. It was easier when it was more of an unknown. I could do it hoping in the back of my mind that it would kill me. Now I know the limit. I know what will kill me. I know how far I have to push it. So now I can’t just do it and hope I will die. I guess that is part of the reason that it frustrates me. I can handle the physical pain and it wont’ kill me unless I fully set out to do it. I mean, there could always be an accident but the chances are slim. Last time I did it I was literally sitting there wondering why I was doing it. I was fully present. I mean, I could feel the pressure in my head. The pain was there, but it is no longer unbearable. I could feel the pressure in my eyes. It felt like my eyes were going to burst, my head was going to explode, I could feel the pulsing of my heart in my head, yet it wasn’t nearly enough. My current mental anguish is beyond what I can physically match. Well, idk if I ever could match it. I don’t think I could ever really cause myself nearly enough physical pain to equal what I was feeling but I guess the death part helped. Putting my life in danger helped. I always had that hope that I would die. That I would “accidentally” go too far and it would be over. I guess that was part of the release. Idk how to describe it. Anyways, I see the psychologist tomorrow. I don’t know if I want to deal with medications but I guess right now I have to. I can’t deal with not being on them. It’s not that I don’t want them as much as I don’t want to fight. I am so sick of everything. I am so sick of struggling. I am so sick of trying to live. I fight every single day for something that I don’t even really want. I endure more pain on a daily basis than most ppl can imagine to fight for a life that I don’t believe in. What’s the point? I don’t believe that I can ever get better. I don’t believe that I will make it. I mean, I make a future for myself because I learned that it is stupid to just stop. I don’t know when I am going to die so I can’t just stop everything and wait for it. I have to continue until it happens. Everything must outwardly seem normal until it isn’t. Yet even though I work endlessly and suffer it all seems pointless. If I am going to die in the end what is the point of all this? I don’t mean the whole everyone is going to die thing, I know that, I mean that I won’t survive this. What is the point of having suffered one more day, or month, whatever before I die. In the end it wont’ matter. I will be dead and having prolonged that slightly longer will not change that. Idk. I am just so sick of everything. I feel like the idiot people are backing me into a corner. They are actually making it worse in order to protect themselves. Idk if they think they are helping or not, but it is so stupid. Now they have basically just taken away my options. They think that by making me go to counseling whether I want to or not is giving me options but it isn’t. And by making me sign a contract they are basically saying that it is counseling or death. They are trading my options for life to protect their liability. Because before I still had the option of stopping the whole thing and trying to survive which is what I was doing. I know that the chances of me surviving without the meds or counseling at this point in my life are slim but I have done it before. I mean, I lived for years without any of it. It is a lot harder for me right now because I was on the meds and then stopped but still. I made it through hell for years without anyone knowing. Now, just because they want to protect their liability, they have taken that option away. Which basically means that if this doesn’t work I am dead. They might as well shoot me themselves. So basically my entire life hangs on something that I don’t even think will work. I guess that will make it an easy decision if it doesn’t. I mean, if I stop the DBT program then I not only end any chance of getting mental health help, but I also destroy my future. I stop going and they call my mom and try to get me to go back. That obviously won’t do anything but make my life hell at which point I get kicked out of RIT. So I get to go home to nothing. I can’t deal with that. At that point I won’t even have the pretend future that I make for myself. I will have nothing left and death should come easy. If that happens I will do it here. There is no point in even trying to go home. I don’t want to put it on my mom either. I mean, she at least tried. I know that things didn’t work out well for me, but she isn’t necessarily a horrible parent. It would be the idiotic ppl here that would have killed me. I think I would write a note saying that too. Lol. I mean, if they are going to trade my life for protecting themselves then why should I care? Anyways, I should be writing an essay instead of ranting about how much the world is pissing me off right now. Oh, and as is pretty obvious, I have decided to start blogging again. I feel the need to do it. Partly to document stuff and partly as a way to rant. Not sure how long it is going to last but we will see. I can’t actually post this to my blog which sux. The stupid Nazis apparently can watch the sites I go to. I guess I should know that, but they said they would look for every sight I had an account on. They said they would look for blogs etc. I think I am going to just keep this stuff on my computer and then post it all at once when I get a chance to get an internet connection away from RIT. Anyways, I am going to attempt to work on my paper now. Hopefully I will at least get some of that done so tonight won’t be a complete waste of my life.

So yah, this is probably going to be a short entry, but I felt the need to start writing as of this morning. I probably shouldn’t spend too much time writing tho because I am in the library and I should probably eat lunch at some point before I go to class. Lol. Anyways. Things have pretty much been a mess for me as usual. I honestly don’t know how much of it I have written about tho. Basically there was the whole crap with the counseling center calling my mom. Then I decided to no longer go because I could no longer trust them. Let’s see. Then I decided to stop taking my meds. That suxed. I went through physical withdrawal as the stuff left my system which basically consisted of being really sick for a week. I was nauseous and dizzy pretty much all of the time. Plus I had the constant feeling like someone was crushing my skull. There were times that I was about to collapse and could barely walk straight because I felt so horrible. That wasn’t all that bad tho. I mean, it really suxed but it could have been worse. I have experienced a lot worse in my life so it was bearable. Plus, I was doing the entire thing to be destructive. I basically expected to die once I stopped my meds. Withdrawal from SSRI’s is supposed to be pretty horrible. It is one of those things that you really have to fight to survive and I honestly didn’t care to. I wanted it to kill me. That is why I abruptly stopped without telling anyone. Pretty much I did everything that they say not to do. Unforutnately the day before I decided to stop I was ranting to a friend about the fact that I expect to die. I was feeling horrible and angry, etc. I think I chose to stop after seeing the shrink lady for the “last” time, but I don’t really remember anymore. I am very detached from all of that. So yah, I was texting a friend back home because she is the only person that is ok with me dying and apparently another friend found the messages. The other friend flipped out and called Campus Safety here in NY. They ended up hunting me down at work. Pretty much I just lied my way out of that tho. It was actually pretty easy. Anyways, after that I had like everyone all concerned. I actually had a different person call public safety again a couple days later and they came after me. They took me down to their office and made me talk to a crisis counselor. Luckily, the counselor that was on call that night wasn’t one that I have talked to before. I completely lied to her and after about an hour of sitting around etc, I got to leave. Lol. Anyways, a week or so later I had to go to the psychologist guy. I thought about just not going but I forgot to cancel and he isn’t that bad anyways, so I went. Plus, they charge me $50 if I just don’t show up.  I basically told him that I had stopped my meds and didn’t care. I also told him that I was basically just waiting for whatever happened and didn’t care if that meant death. I didn’t actually say that I was just waiting for things to get bad enough to die, but I think he got the general picture. Oh, I also told him that I felt that the counseling center had washed their hands of me by giving me a recommendation that there was no way I would ever do. Apparently he called the shrink lady after I left and talked to her. I guess it isn’t that bad. At least he didn’t like call my mom or public safety. So yah, the shrink lady then e-mailed me and said that she had talked to the psychologist and wanted to see me. I don’t know why I decided to go but I did. I guess that stupid part of me that desperately wanted to see her. I did that with KR. I mean, I still care about KR. I still want to talk to her and actually last night really wanted to write her a letter. This drives me nuts. Everytime I trust someone and they start to care about me I can’t seem to let go even if that person then makes my life hell. I mean, look at all the pain that KR caused in my life. I know she didn’t do it intentionally but still. Oh, another random, but very important detail. So, after the whole public safety thing I get an e-mail from the behavioural conduct board saying that I am “a concern to them and RIT” and that I need to meet with them. I didn’t want to and tried to figure out what it was about but they wouldn’t really specify and basically said that I had to be there. Anyways, so back to the shrink lady. I went to see her on like Thursday. She apologized for the whole thing with the recommendation and said that she didn’t take into account that it was at a hospital and I would never do it. She basically just talked to me about what I was going to do next and I told her that I didn’t know, which I didn’t and still don’t. She really wanted me to be in the DBT program there. She had referred me to a DBT program at a local hospital, but that obviously wasn’t going to happen. We also discussed the whole conduct board thing. She said that they aren’t going to be satisfied unless I am doing something so I agreed to at least meet the DBT lady. She was more pushy than the shrink lady that I was seeing. She basically made an appointment with me for this past Monday and said that I was going to go back to the psychologist to be on meds. I pretty much was really overwhelmed and felt backed into a corner so I left without doing anything. I actually told the shrink lady that I would see the psychologist but then when it was demanded of me I didn’t want to. So yah, on Friday I had the conduct board meeting. That suxed. They pretty much didn’t listen to a word I said. They had deemed me a liability and didn’t really care what I said. They said that I had to go to the counseling center and threatened to call my mom if I didn’t. They also said that they would basically kick me out of RIT if I didn’t. They told me that they have done it before and could make me go on a mandatory “leave of absence” for a year and then I wouldn’t be able to come back until I could prove that I was mentally stable enough to be here. I finally got out of there with them saying that they were going to write up a contract and I had to sign it when I went to the counseling center when I went on Monday. So basically they were trapping me. I know they think they were helping, or more of keeping themselves from being liable but the stupid ppl are killing me. Anyways, I did go to the counseling center on Monday, which was yesterday, but I need to stop writing now so I can grab some food before going to class. Hopefully I will be able to write more later.

Well, I feel like I should be writing something right now, but I am not really sure what to say. I guess I will start with what has happened the past couple days. So, I talked to the psychologist like last Friday because I still had an appointment with him. I would have cancelled because I didn’t really see a point but I don’t really mind him so I went. I told him that I had stopped the antidepressants and pretty much told him that I was just waiting for whatever happened. He asked what I meant and I told him that I could either continue as is, or I could die. That obviously concerned him though he didn’t really show it. Anyways, I guess after I left he called the therapist I was seeing. Oh, I did mention to him that I felt like the counseling center had washed their hands of me etc. So then that night the therapist e-mailed me and said that she had talked to the psychologist and wanted to see me. Again, didn’t really see the point, but I still had that part of me that was desperately fighting for help so I went. So yesterday I went in and met with her and she basically just explained what had happened and said that she didn’t realize that there was no way I would ever take her recommendation because it was at a hospital.

Ok, so I kinda need to rant but I found out that I can’t actually publish these entries because of the stupid Nazis. Lol, that is what one of my friends nicknames Public Safety because they basically hunted me down because one of my friends back home called them. Idk if I have explained that or not. Basically I was ranting to one of my friends about that fact that I was supposed to die last weekend. It was Friday and I had planned on stopping my meds the next day and I was having a horrible day and basically I was just talking to a friend about it. The friend that I was talking to doesn’t care. She thinks that I should be able to kill myself if I want to. Actually she tends to encourage it. Obviously I am not dead yet, and she was making fun of me for it and keeps telling me to go kill myself everytime I rant about how horrible things are going. Basically another friend found the messages, called public safety and I had hell. But I no longer feel like writing so I am going to stop. I am probably going to paste messages from a conversation I am having because it goes into more detail of the huge internal conflict I am having right now.

 

[09:52 PM] Me: dammit I feel horrible

[09:52 PM] K: im sorry

[09:52 PM] K: the same thing?

[09:53 PM] Me: horribly depressed

[09:53 PM] Me: the stupid thing is, that now that I took meds, not taking them makes me worse then before

[09:54 PM] K: you could kill urself

[09:54 PM] Me: I should

[09:55 PM] Me: I don't know why I am supposed to see the shrink lady

[09:55 PM] Me: well they want me to go back

[09:55 PM] K: lol

[09:55 PM] Me: cuz I told the psychologist that there was absolutely no way that I am going to the hospital

[09:56 PM] Me: I think the shrink lady had to have known that when she gave me the referral

[09:56 PM] K: yeah

[09:56 PM] K: shes a dumbass

[09:56 PM] Me: she did it to wash her hands of me

[09:57 PM] Me: because if she gave me a referal, even though she had to know that there was no way I was going to do it, it takes away her liability

[09:57 PM] Me: cuz if she just stopped seeing me knowing that I was a danger and then I died, she could be held responcible for it

[09:58 PM] Me: the referal thing wasn't to help me cuz there is no way that it would ever happen... it was simply to protect them

[09:58 PM] K: yeah i know what you are talking about

[10:01 PM] Me: I told the psychologist that, and it was obvious that he didn't like the situation at all because I could obviously die very easily and pretty much expect to, but at least he respects me enough to not flip out and go tell authorities

[10:01 PM] Me: but I guess after I left he talked w/ the shrink lady, and so now she wants to talk to me for a few minutes... lol, maybe guilt :-P

[10:01 PM] K: lol

[10:01 PM] K: maybe

[10:02 PM] Me: well the counseling center here has done a good job of getting rid of any legal liability but maybe for some reason the shrink lady decided to care if I am dead or not... I know that the head of the counseling center couldn't care less but I think the shrink lady might care a little bit

[10:03 PM] K: maybe

[10:03 PM] K: lol

[10:03 PM] K: a little

[10:03 PM] Me: lol

[10:07 PM] K: lol

[10:08 PM] Me: Should I even try??

[10:08 PM] Me: that is my current predicament

[10:08 PM] K: even try what

[10:08 PM] Me: life

[10:08 PM] Me: well I am obviously not dead yet

[10:08 PM] K: i dunno, do you think that it will get better?

[10:09 PM] K: i mean, you have to have the confidence in yourself

[10:09 PM] Me: but things are going pretty badly and I don't think that I am going to be able to not be horribly depressed if I stay off the meds because my brain isn't going to adapt very well even long term

[10:09 PM] K: yeah

[10:09 PM] Me: I don't have confidnece... haven't for years

[10:09 PM] Me: but I mean... is it even worth it

[10:09 PM] Me: I thought I had a chance with the shrink lady

[10:09 PM] Me: that is why I was stupid and started to trust her

[10:10 PM] Me: she isn't that bad, it is the head of the counseling center that basically screwed me over and gave me the death sentence...

[10:10 PM] Me: for some reason I can't seem to completely overcome the stupid part of me that fights to live no matter how badly I want to die

[10:11 PM] Me: but I am to the point that even strangling myself does not cause me enough pain

[10:11 PM] Me: I figure I will just continue getting depressed and keep pushing it until I "accidentally" kill myself

[10:12 PM] K: lol

[10:12 PM] Me: I expected to die right away

[10:12 PM] Me: but it obviously didn't work out

[10:12 PM] Me: I didn't start feeling the mood part until like a week after being off the meds

[10:13 PM] Me: I think the physically sick stuff was me going through withdrawal but now that I no longer have any meds in my system I am left with the long term effects of having stopped

[10:13 PM] K: yeah

[10:13 PM] Me: as is, I am probably going to end up killing myself

[10:13 PM] Me: I don't really know when

[10:14 PM] Me: and it unfortunately didn't happen quickly

[10:14 PM] Me: but I can't survive like this

[10:14 PM] Me: so I am basically just waiting

[10:14 PM] K: yeah

[10:14 PM] K: thats about all you can do

[10:14 PM] Me: but I know what the outcome is going to be, even if I don't know when it is going ot happen

[10:14 PM] Me: the only way that I could possibly survive is by trying to go back

[10:15 PM] K: yeah

[10:15 PM] K: which you dont want to do

[10:15 PM] Me: not really

[10:15 PM] Me: idk

[10:16 PM] Me: it doesn't seem worth it

[10:16 PM] Me: for a while I thought that maybe I had a chance, but now it seems impossible

[10:17 PM] Me: idk what I want right now

[10:17 PM] Me: but I know that if I don't do something then I am going to die

[10:17 PM] Me: and in a way I don't care... I am not scared of death and I accepted a long time ago that my life would probably end by my own hands

[10:18 PM] K: well

[10:18 PM] K: you have to do what you feel you can handle

[10:18 PM] K: and what is worth doing

[10:19 PM] K: im not going to tell you to live or to die because its really none of my business and to try to tell someone what they should do is selfish

[10:19 PM] Me: yah, I hate ppl that do that

[10:19 PM] K: but you have to figure out whether you have a plan for yourself as far as if you do live, as in, is there a point to live

[10:20 PM] Me: I mean, in a way I want to live... I want to have that happily ever after (I know that's a bit extreme but you know what I mean)

[10:20 PM] Me: I mean, I am an engineer, I am applying to go work for Microsoft, I have the grades, I am intelligent enough... outwardly it seems like I could so easily be successful and have things work out

[10:21 PM] K: yeah

[10:21 PM] K: but you need the confidence

[10:22 PM] K: and you have to want it

[10:23 PM] Me: I guess it is more of the idea that idk if death is what I really want

[10:24 PM] Me: I mean, I don't necessarily want death, I have basically just accepted it because I can't see any other options for my life (and that crap about suicide being a permanent solution to a temporary probably is complete BS because my hell is anything but temporary)

[10:25 PM] Me: I probably could survive if I really fought for it... I have been through more hell in my life than most people can even begin to imagine... but idk if it is worth it

[10:27 PM] K: well, i dont know really what to tell you. im not going to steer you in one direction or another. you have to figure not just career wise, but family wise. family is often a persons greatest achievement. just think about what could be if you really wanted it.

[10:28 PM] Me: I know...

 

Lol, so yah. That is basically what is going through my head right now. I obviously got rid of my friend’s name because I don’t want stupid ppl to get all pissed at her for not conforming to their opinion of helping me. I really don’t know what I am going to do at the moment. I am supposed to see the shrink lady sometime this week. She will probably e-mail me sometime tomorrow with when. I figure I have until then to figure out if I am going to live or die. Lol, no pressure or anything. If I can’t seem to figure out I will just go to the shrink lady and see what happens tho I am hoping to know what I am doing before hand because that will determine how I react to her. If I can’t figure it out, which is totally possible, then I think I am going to go in there and basically be really blunt. I want to ask her what she thinks. I want to know what is going on and how much of the hell that has happened she had control of. At that point it pretty much won’t matter. Basically I can go in there and will probably sabotage myself with the rare chance things go ok. Lol. I seem to do this a lot. Tho unfortunately the doing everything possible wrong w/ stopping the meds didn’t work out as planned. Whatever. I anticipated to start feeling the depression and stuff far sooner. Instead I just got really physically sick. Now I am like done with the withdrawal though so I am just left with the horrible depression. I figure if worse comes to worse and I will go to the shrink lady and nothing will happen and then I will simply return to waiting to die. Well, I guess the absolute worse would be her flipping out and calling authorities or trying to put me in the hospital. Luckily she doesn’t seem to be the type to do that but I guess I should always be prepared for the worse. I could pretty much just lie my way out of it though. I am an adult now and I have managed to lie my way out of far worse situations when I was a minor. *sigh* I guess I feel slightly less stressed now that I sorta have a plan. Even though it is a pretty crappy one. Lol. Whatever. My life doesn’t have neat organized plans. Things don’t just all work out in the end.

 

Ok, it is really hard for me to focus right now but I feel that I should write. Even though I haven’t written in my blog in a long time I guess I feel that I need to do a final entry. Well, I think it is going to be my final entry. At this moment I don’t really know. I guess I should probably give a little background that lead up to the situation that I am currently in. Idk if I ever wrote about it in here, but since I came to RIT I started seeing a therapist. It was something that I promised myself I would do when I got on my own and didn’t have to deal with all of the crap of being a minor. Also, I later realized that I did it partly because of KR. I still had the need to seek her approval even though I hadn’t seriously talked to her in a really long time. I think I have since no longer felt the need to seek her approval although there are still times that I really want to talk to her. Anyways, I went into the counseling office terrified. I did the intake and the therapist gave me a referral to go the health center to talk to a psychologist. He did his little intake and decided to put me on meds for depression. At first he put me on like the generic version of Prozac. That didn’t work out well. It ended up making me incredibly depressed and so I had to stop. Even though I was already exhausted by it all and still terrified I decided to let him try putting me on a different medication. He put me on Celexa which did kinda help but kept me from sleeping. After a week without sleep and my body crashing from exhaustion he put me on Trazadone to help me sleep. Since then he has increased my dosage of both which probably don’t help as much as they should but it makes my life slightly easier. Before fall break he doubled my dosage of the Trazadone. The first day that I got back I had a major panic attack. I have never had one before. I ended up in the back of an ambulance for the first time. That absolutely sucked considering that I am deathly afraid of hospitals. Since then I have had 3 more major panic attacks. Only one other one they called the ambulance and the 2 this week my friends were there and they know I hate hospitals so they just sat with me. My friends have actually been really amazing about it and knew I didn’t like ppl freaking out and didn’t like hospitals so they just sat and kept on eye on me to make sure nothing bad happened. Anyways, back to the shrink. At first seeing her really suxed. She didn’t understand me at all and so she didn’t know how to handle me which was frustrating. Plus I was scared of the whole situation and didn’t trust her at all. For some reason I continued going. I guess I still had that small hope that somehow my life could someday be better. As time went on I started to explain things like my dissociation and stuff. That kinda made things better because it helped her to understand why I reacted the way I did. I can talk about all of this really horrible stuff and I simply smile about it which I think really confused her. As I kept seeing her I kinda started to trust her. That was probably an idiotic thing to do. It was nice to have someone to talk to about all of the stuff that I normally just analyze in my head. Unfortunately I was stupid and allowed myself to start to actually open up. I told her about the whole asphyxiation thing. Definitely a mistake, because that kinda freaked everyone out. I also told her about my indifference to death. The combination of the two apparently got several people around the counseling center really concerned about me. I know it was an idiotic thing to do but I was trying to be honest. I also sometimes tend to underestimate how other people will react to things. Since death is pretty much a regular part of life I am pretty indifferent regarding it and so I sometimes don’t realize how scary it is for other people. I guess I should probably explain that a little bit because I have never taken the time to do that in here and it kinda helps explain how I am. I have kinda known this for a while but only recently consciously accepted it because it made me feel insane. Ok, so I kinda have two separate aspects of my personality. They aren’t separate personalities and I am completely aware of both but it is a coping mechanism that I adapted and it kinda went to the extreme. Anyways, there is the bad part of me that is really destructive. This is the part that pretty much always wants to die or hurt myself etc. It is my self hatred and never being good enough and depression and basically lots of bad stuff. For years this part of me has always existed but no one really knew about it. I guess separating it as a distinct aspect of my personality allowed me to not acknowledge it in daily life. Most of this part of my personality is really scary and unacceptable to other people. For me though, it is just a part of who I am and I accept it. Then there is the other part of my personality which is completely opposite. This part probably has more good aspects because it is the part that is striving for success and always fighting to live. It is the part of me that wanted to get help and strived to be perfect. I guess even though it is the “good” aspect of my personality it is also kinda detrimental because I constantly work towards things that I cannot possibly achieve. This is the part of my personality that wants to be absolutely perfect in everything and since suicide is a “bad” thing it is considered unacceptable. Then of course there is “me”. It is the part of myself that lives daily life. It is the part that is just trying to balance everything that is going on and just survive. I guess the problem is that no one really knows about all of this. It has allowed me to survive but the internal conflict can be very difficult at times. I have often felt frustrated because I cannot win a war when the greatest enemy is myself. It is like a constant war over some as fundamental as whether or not to live or die. This whole thing also makes it extremely difficult for other people to deal with me when I do try to seek help. I often have two completely contradicting desires and I will choose one or the other based on a particular moment. This is what made it so difficult for KR when I tried to talk to her. The part of me that wants to survive would get desperate when things were going badly so I would go to her seeking help. However, she was legally obligated to report what was going on and when she did I freaked out. Then within an instant my desires would instantly change to wanted to escape and die. Also this all makes it very difficult for me to talk to anyone at all. People can’t understand the “bad” part of me. The fact that I pretty much always have a part of me that want to hurt myself and die is really scary for people on the outside. They fear that since I have these desires I could kill myself at any given moment. I guess technically that’s true but for me it is simply a reality that I accept. I honestly can’t remember the last time I actually was happy with my life and wanted to live. However, even though all of this is a constant for me, as soon as I try to go to someone else about it they instantly freak out and try to take away my control of my own life. That is the thing that probably freaks me out most. I am obsessive about having complete control over my life. I try to control everything including my emotions. Since I have the ability to separate my thoughts into the two different aspects of my personality I actually have the ability to manipulate my own mind to some extent. That is a really weird thing to do. I can know something yet push that knowledge out of the working part of my mind and convince myself of something else even though I don’t fully believe it. I know, it’s really complicated and I don’t even fully understand it. It was something that I used to do when I was being destructive. I guess it was my loop hole. Before it was far more of a conscious effort to manipulate my mind but now it is far easier. I would choke myself wanting to kill myself and pushing it so it was dangerous but I would convince my working part of my mind that I wasn’t actually going to die. This was my way of getting around the fact that neither of the aspects of my personality could completely win out. The battle always because more extreme when things were going badly in my life. The part of me that wanted to die would be desperately fighting for suicide and the part of me that strived to be perfect would desperately fight to live. By manipulating my mind and deliberately doing dangerous stuff without the full intent of death gave me a loop hole. The therapist actually said that she was concerned about me accidentally kill myself and I simply said that I didn’t really care but didn’t explain how that was sorta the intention. Anyways, I got really off my main topic there. So basically I was stupid and started to open up the therapist about things that are more dangerous. Basically she had to report to other people and so my psychologist as well as several people from the counseling center got all freaked out about me. I went for my appointment before winter break and apparently they were all freaked out about me going home. My therapist said that I had to talk to the head of the counseling center because it was “procedure.” I wasn’t happy about that but I didn’t really have a choice. So the head of the counseling center comes in and basically says that she is going to call my mom. I freaked out. I tried to explain to her how bad that would be but she had already made the decision before she came and talked to me. It was one of those stupid things were people ask my opinion but couldn’t care less what I actually say because they have already made their decision. I guess they think it will somehow make me less pissed if they pretend to care what I think. So anyways, I was obviously really pissed and overwhelmed after that. I didn’t do anything that night because I was completely overwhelmed but I choked myself pretty badly the next night. I ended up with extreme headaches for a couple days but nothing permanent. I don’t quite remember if that was the day that I almost did it or if that was another day but at one point I was pretty close. I had the scarf twisted around my neck for quite a while and was on the bathroom floor slouched against the wall. I was kinda close to passing out and so I probably could have done it but for some reason I decided to stop. I honestly don’t know why and I am sure that people are going to try to find some deep reason but honestly I just decided that I didn’t feel like doing it at that moment. I am pretty indifferent to death so this kind of thing doesn’t really matter to me. Anyways, after that I was pretty much just floating. Going home ended up not being that bad. I guess they didn’t tell my mom too much which is probably good. I still didn’t want to see any of them every again though. When I got back I was really stressed and basically things weren’t going well. My therapist contacted me and asked me to see her for one last time. I did that yesterday. It only lasted like 15 mins and she basically gave me a recommendation to go get counseling at the local hospital and basically just washed her hands of me. I am definitely not going to do that because I am terrified of hospitals, I have no insurance and it is expensive, plus I really don’t want to ever see anymore counselors at this point. Going to the counseling center here was my one chance at it. I wasn’t really sure about it in the first place and things went badly as I expected they would. Now she has washed her hands of me just like so many other people have done in the past. It was a bit sad and I felt kinda upset when I left but I guess it isn’t too bad. I have learned to simply expect people to betray me and expect them to give up on me so I don’t really get upset when they do. Anyways, I was thinking about killing myself on Friday but then a bunch of crap happened. After seeing the therapist I was in a bad mood cuz I had a horrible day and I was stressed and basically things weren’t going well. I was text messaging one of my friends about it and apparently when of my other friends saw the messages and freaked out. I knew that the friend I was texting wouldn’t freak out because we have really horrible morbid conversations like that all of the time. Plus she believes that if I want to kill myself I should be able to, which is cool. I mean, why should other people force me be alive when I don’t want to. It is my life and it is my hell and they can’t understand what I am going through. I have accepted my fate and I am ok with it. Other people are simply afraid of death and therefore they feel the need to cling to life no matter what. Well, I really need to wrap up this entry because I just now got back from public safety. Anyways basically the friend saw the text message and freaked out and told another friend and they decided to call public safety. And now they have blown the entire thing way out of proportion. Public safety came to my room yesterday and apparently were talking to my roommate but luckily she doesn’t know anything and so she said I was fine. So they then came and searched me out at work. That suxed. So then I had a bunch of people swarming around me. There was the head of residence life and several public safety people and they even had the paramedics come. It was so stupid. And so then I come back and I am really stressed and feeling betrayed but I finally figured out what happened. So then today apparently they called public safety again. So I just got back from having to go down to the public safety office and give a statement and talk to a crisis counselor and it basically all sucked. Honestly, the more that people get involved and bug me the more I want to do it. I seriously want it all to go away and they are all just stressing me out more. But yah, that is basically a not so short summary of what has been going on lately in my life and why I am planning this. But for all those who are going to freak out, it is my choice, there is absolutely nothing that you could have done. This is my hell to live and you can’t even begin to understand what I have had to endure to lead to this decision. I’m sorry to those who disagree but I have accepted my fate and hopefully you can too.

So yah. I have found being stuck at random travel locations as a good time to actually write in my blog. Go figure. I am currently stuck at the airport in Rochester on Christmas Eve. My plane is running late so now I am not going to get back until late. I guess that is the only thing that has gone wrong so far today. Although this trip has just started so there are a lot of things that could yet go wrong. Plus I don’t think I am going to make it back in time for Christmas Even dinner. Honestly I don’t really care that much but everyone else is all upset about it. I don’t see it as a big deal but I guess it would be better to actually get there on time just to make everyone else happy. Oh, and my shoulder is hurting really really badly which sux. I am currently in this cool little business center thing at the airport tho. It’s pretty nice cuz I can sit here and be on my laptop and basically just hang out and relax for a while as I wait for my plane. I was getting really stressed as I came here. I am having to be really careful with my anxiety level lately.

 

I guess I should write a random update of my life considering that I haven’t actually done that in literally forever. I am not going to try to write my life store or any type of overall recap I guess just what has been going on lately. Pretty much at the moment I am not sure what is going on with my life. I tried going to a shrink at RIT and at first I hated it but I went. Then as it went on I started to trust her. I actually wanted to go each week which is an amazing thing for me. However, being an absolutely idiot I decided to actually tell the truth, as in way more then I should have said. I told her about having suicidal tendencies and how it is pretty much always a part of my life. I also told her about the choking myself. That was a bad thing to do cuz apparently everyone got all freaked out about that one. Anyways, as I was getting ready to go on break everyone there was getting all concerned and crap about me hurting myself while I go home. So they decided that they were going to go call my mom. Like I went in there for my normal session thing and she said that I had to have a meeting with her boss. I honestly didn’t want to but she said that it was just policy because she was getting concerned about me. It’s not like there was anything that I could do. So her boss came in and basically said that she was going to call my mom. I wanted to scream at her. She asked my opinion but it’s not like she cared about what I thought.

 

Well it looks like my entry about my life didn’t get very far cuz I got sick and had to leave the business center. Now I feel horrible. I did manage to sleep a little bit on the plane. I am in Philadelphia at the moment waiting for another plane. Usually I can’t sleep on planes but I am about to pass out at the moment. It’s not like I don’t have enough to add to everything. I probably shouldn’t have attempted to eat this morning. Actually I am hungry but I feel like I am going to throw up so I don’t think I am going to even try to eat.

 

Anyways, I guess back to my story of what is going on in my life. So the shrink lady called my mom about me. Well her boss did. Despite me repeatedly telling them that they were just making my life worse. She decided that it wasn’t good for me to go home with such a big secret. That made me want to scream at her. It is my secret. It is my life. I have lived for years with this secret and I don’t need her to tell the world for me. So yah, after that I was pretty much just pissed at the world. I had to see the psychologist the next day and I almost didn’t go but I would get fined $50 by the health center if I didn’t show up so I did. He actually wasn’t that bad. He didn’t know about what happened. He actually was really understanding about me never wanting to see the shrink ever again, but also said that legally he couldn’t give me meds if I stopped. I guess I was happy with how he reacted because he gave me the reality of the situation but threat me like some stupid child for my decisions. So now I have drugs for like the next month and then I run out and probably go through serious withdraw. I was originally going to just stop abruptly so I could kill myself but now I figure I will wait out the month. I don’t think I will make it through stopping the medications that I am taking tho I don’t care all that much at this point. The stupid lady that decided to call my mom pretty much gave me a death sentence when she did. I knew that and I tried to convey that but my opinion didn’t really matter. I have to figure that out. I guess I am trying to be less irrational and just stopping everything without saying anything but I still don’t want to go back. They betrayed my trust. I expected this to happen from the very beginning but was stupid and had some blind hope that maybe it would be different this time. I don’t even know why I went there in the first place. For some reason I feel the need to randomly reach for blind hope. I try for stupid things that I know won’t work and always seem to regret them in the long run. Now I am even less stable, less independent, and I have the issue that I am taking meds and probably wont’ survive the withdrawal from them.

 

Anyways, I am hoping that my next plane will get here soon so that I can get going so I guess I should turn my laptop off. That is a random travel update of what is going on in my life. Plus it is probably good to have it down just for people to know why I did it. Actually this kinda blames the lady at the counseling center for my death. Whatever. She gave me the death sentence, I must live it out. I generally try to avoid people feeling blame as much as possible but I am kinda at the point that I don’t really care. I let myself believe that I had a chance however slim it may have been. I let myself be weak and now I have to suffer. *sigh* It’s life. You would think that I would learn from idiotic mistakes but somehow that blind hope creeps in every once in a while. It’s ok, my hope, however blind, has now been crushed and my life can come to it’s horrible end as I have expected for years.

Well, I am highly suicidal at the moment and currently stranded in a train station so I decided to write an entry in my blog. Actually I am writing this on Word because I don’t have internet access here. But I really feel the need to basically sit and rant about all of the things that have managed to go wrong today/yesterday. Let’s see, starting with last night. Pretty much the main bad thing was the weather. There was a big storm w/ lots of warnings and conviently was from like 6 pm to 7 am so we had to drive right in the middle of it. Like by the time we finally got to the train station things had started to clear up. The driving was awful. Luckily my mom was driving or else I would probably have been flipping out more. It was hailing and then turned to like a rain/freezing rain that instantly turned to ice when it touched something. My mom is like an overly cautious driver and so she was driving extremely slow which was stressing me out because I didn’t think we would get there in time. Oh, and semi’s kept passing us and everytime they did they would toss up a blinding amount of slush at our windshield. My mom was like flipping out and yelling at the semi’s and basically it just suxed. And even though we left at like 1 instead of 2 am we were running late, so I was sitting the entire time freaking out that I would miss my train because there isn’t another one for 24 hours. To add to my insane amount of stress, the guy that was supposed to pick me up texted me saying that he wasn’t going to now because of the weather. I told him that the storm would be long gone by the time I needed to be picked up but he decided no. At this point it is already 2 am so I can’t call anyone else to try to get a ride then so I figured I would do it today. Anyways, we finally get to the train station like 10 minutes late but the train ended up being an hour and a half late. Because it was so late I asked my mom to go see if she could get McDonalds because I hadn’t slept at all and hadn’t eaten in like 12 hours. She went out and left me with my brother. I guess the one good thing is that I didn’t go with her because she ended up getting totally lost. So then I was stressing about her getting back in time for my train and my brother was there and basically freaking out again. So at like 5:40 I finally got on the train and thought that things would be better. I sat next to this girl that apparently lives on my floor but I didn’t know that until I sat next to her. We didn’t talk much tho because she pretty much slept the entire time. I tried to sleep for like the first 2 hours but couldn’t. Oh, I forgot. To add to all the stress of really dangerous roads, and being late, I couldn’t breathe. I had my nebulizer in my backpack but I couldn’t use it in the car because there was no place to plug it in and I was too afraid of being late to stop somewhere to try to use it. So for the first part of the ride I had really sharp chest pains and then for the rest of the ride it just felt like I was suffocating. I tried to sleep on the train but still couldn’t breathe well and couldn’t relax because it wasn’t comfortable so after 2 hours I just gave up. I went over to the snack car and got one of those little boxes of cereal. As I was walking back I saw that there are little plugs by the seats so I decided to use my nebulizer to try to help me breathe. I took that and then watched an episode of Stargate just to try to relax. Anyways, as it started getting later and people would actually be getting up I decided to try to get a ride because the stupid guy that bailed on me. I called Kira because she said that she would get me before we left for break but I couldn’t get a hold of her. So I was calling different people and couldn’t find anyone. So then I was really stressing out. I asked the girl next to me if I could get a ride with her but she said that she was getting a taxi with her friends and there wouldn’t be room. Basically she didn’t want to ride with me, but whatever. So then for the last hour+ of the trip I was sitting there being really stressed about how I was going to get back to RIT. Then I got to the train station and I was hoping that I would be able to figure something out but I didn’t know what to do. I went out and asked one of the taxi drivers how much it would be to get a taxi back to RIT and he said $30. I don’t have that much money with me. I can’t really afford that in the first place but I didn’t have that much cash with me. So then I start calling everyone I could think of. I even called my RA and asked if he could take me. Pretty much no one was answering the phone which suxs. So I was getting pretty desperate so I asked the guy at the ticket window if/when a bus came here. He said that only 2 came on Sunday. There is one that comes in an hour so I guess it is almost a good thing that my train was really late getting here. So now I am sitting alone in a train station waiting for a bus that I hope I can afford to try to get back to RIT. Oh, and I was supposed to work today but my train was supposed to get here at 11 and I was supposed to have a ride. So pretty much everything that could possibly go wrong today has gone wrong. I have had such an insane amount of stress, no sleep, and almost no food and I am about to flip out. I called a friend but she just laughed at me. I would call my mom but there is nothing that she could do and she would just freak out. I might end up telling her later but not while I am still sitting here stranded in the stupid train station.

So anyways, that is pretty much everything that has gone wrong in like the last 12 hours. Overall I have been having a really hard time being home. Like as soon as I got home it was rough. When we arrived it didn’t feel like home at all, which was kinda weird for me cuz I pretty feel like I don’t really have a home anymore. Like I never really felt like I was really a part of the family but at least I had my room. It was my sactuary and my prison but it was a place for me to be sorta at home. Now I don’t have that. So I pretty much got really depressed really fast at home. Then I started wanting to kill myself purely because I could do it easily at home and couldn’t at RIT. I mean I have rope and rafters in the barn so I could easily do it and I didn’t really have means at RIT so I was going to do it while I could. Then I decided that I would wait if I could figure out a way to do it at RIT. So I was like obsessed with that for a couple days. I read lots of those guide to suicide things which really don’t bother me at all anymore, not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. I finally figured out a way to strangle myself using a scarf and my brush. I like it because I am not limited by resources and it is easy. Then I started experimenting with it. I tried one scarf for a while and did it the first time just to try but then I tried to push it and realized that it wouldn’t actually work. So then I tried one of the fuzzy scarves that I knitted. That one works a lot better. I figured out how to do it so it cuts off the blood to my brain and I would lose conciousness pretty quickly. I came pretty close once. I was pretty dizzy and out of it and I just wanted to lay down and I almost did. Then I all of a sudden realized that I couldn’t and quickly tried to get it off as fast as possible. The brush part got caught in my hair but I got it loose enough so I could breathe and get blood to my brain so I was ok. Anyways, I so I guess that is my method. I really wanted to do it several times while I was at home but I decided that it would be better to wait. It would be easier on my mom and family. I am not very close to my roommates so I figure it would be easier if they found the body verses my mom. Plus I would be far away so it would bring less guilt. I know that there would be guilt and I know that it would be horrible for them but I am trying to minimize it as much as possible. But yah, the reason I pretty much became so suicidal is because I was really depressed being home but I didn’t really want to go back. I didn’t really want to deal with the stress of RIT. I figured if I couldn’t deal with home and didn’t want to be back then there was no place for me. The horrible 12 hours that I have had trying to get back definitely hasn’t helped. I currently feel like I have no true friends at RIT, I don’t want to deal with school but if I don’t have college then I have nothing. I have no future. So I figure if there is no future then why suffer through the present. But anyways, I probably won’t do anything tonight just because I am so incredibly exhausted that I really need to just crash. Like I am just staying in a state of extremely high stress because I know if I try to relax and realize my surroundings at the moment I am going to have a mental breakdown. Like I will have to deal with it at some point but the ability to block things out even if temporarily is incredibly helpful. But anyways, the bus is supposed to come in 15 minutes so I should probably stand out front and try to get on that. Hopefully it is cheap, and hopefully I manage to get back safely.

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(I had a major panic attack requiring paramedics and almost got put under arrest for refusing to go to the hospital later this day)

Idk what to say at the moment. I need to analyze everything but I can’t really focus. *sigh* I should probably write about my day, etc, but I feel more of the need to analyze at the moment, so I guess I am going to do that. Pretty much, since CIY I have been fixated on suicide more. Mainly, I was avoiding thinking about much of anything and saw going to CIY as my chance to fix things, or at the very least work a few things out. Now that I went and turned out making myself feel worse, I am struggling with avoiding things. Like the day I came back it was really hard and I was insanely depressed. Since then I have been back and forth. Yesterday I was pretty bad but then Becky invited me to go to the softball game with them so I did that and tried to avoid things. I was still really depressed though. Like wasn’t making much of an effort to even smile. Drew (her dad) actually said something to me about not smiling. I was pretty much just silent. Today I have been doing better as far as smiling and pretending to be happy but then this afternoon it kinda hit me again. Idk y but I just started thinking about the whole future thing. I know that I need to get my loans and stuff and yet I don’t want to because I cannot see myself making it through college. But then, I never imagined myself making it through high school. Still, if I take out a bunch of loans and then kill myself then I will give my mom more of a financial burden. I don’t want to do that. Plus, taking out loans makes it more permanent. Idk. I told one of my friends that I was putting off taking out loans because it makes it more real. She simply responded that it is real. I know that it is real, but I don’t think it will ever be real to me. What is the point of life if it is never real to me. What is the point of going through every day hating it only to forget it all the next day. I have gone through so much stuff the past 3 years and in my mind it all falls into the category of the past. It really doesn’t mean much. I can vaguely recall nights where it seems like the day would never get over, yet looking back on it all, none of that matters. So I continue. I keep going through more and more days wishing it would just be over without meaning. I guess that is what got me thinking about death today, although I have been thinking about it a lot lately. When I was talking with Missy at CIY she said that she hadn’t been a Christian for like 2 years, or something like that. It kinda surprised me when she said that. I knew that she hadn’t exactly been the perfect person, but at the same time I still considered her a Christian. She said that the only reason she still comes to church is because people would freak out if she didn’t. I guess the fact that she was pretending isn’t anything new, because I do that all of the time, but the statement that she wasn’t a Christian was surprising. Although I haven’t prayed or read the bible for like 6 months, I still consider myself as a Christian. Yet, when I think about it, I don’t know. I guess talking to her made me think more about myself and my beliefs instead of just going to church all of the time and ignoring any actual commitment. I mean, I have been baptized and I was completely serious about it when it happened yet now I don’t really know what I believe. Many times I feel like there has to be something out there watching over me. Like, some of the ways that things work out in life seem like it couldn’t just be a coincidence. I know a lot of terrible things have happened in my life, but at the same time, I have always felt that there was someone out there looking out for me. Yet, I have never really seriously looked at the things in the bible. Like, I remember one day in bible study we were watching a movie about Noah’s Ark. I remember sitting there watching it and thinking about the story and it just didn’t make sense. I had heard the story since I was a little kid, but when I actually thought about it, the idea of putting two of every animal on an ark for 40 days and floating around while the whole world was flooded seems like nonsense. I have heard the story so many times, but this particular day was the first time that I had actually taken the time to think about the logistics behind it. I remember being so frustrated that day, because I couldn’t bring myself to believe it. It didn’t make sense. I know that I am supposed to believe that God just made it happen, but I couldn’t. The more I think about various things that the bible teaches, the more it just doesn’t make sense. I have learned the stories since when I was a child, but they are nothing more than that, stories. When I look at them as I would look at something else that I consider to be true, it doesn’t make sense. Yet at the same time, I want to believe. I feel like something is there, but at the same time, I find it so difficult to believe in God. I have always struggled to believe that some being was up there watching over me. I don’t understand why anyone would care about me, but that is a whole other topic. Like I guess it seems like something is watching over me, but if I don’t believe all of the stuff in the bible can I really believe in God. How can I believe that he is there, yet not believe in the things that he is supposed to have done? Today, as I was thinking about it, I was also thinking about hell. Actually, I was more of thinking about death in general. I look at the concept of hell, and like many other things, it doesn’t seem very believable. I mean, a place full of fire where people go for eternity because they are bad. I know that our modern version of hell could be completely off, but the concept in general doesn’t make sense. But then, at the same time, the concept of heaven doesn’t seem logical either. I know that God isn’t logical and that it is beyond my comprehension, but I am finding myself having a really hard time believing stuff that doesn’t make sense. It’s kinda like, why should I believe in it? There are so many other things out there, why should I believe in God if it doesn’t make sense? But at the same time, why should I believe in anything? I don’t think any religion is going to completely make sense. Yet at the same time, I still want to believe. I have been taught to believe. I still feel that something is out there and that it all isn’t a coincidence. If I don’t believe in anything then life loses it’s point. If there is no eternal purpose then why does it matter if I die today or 50 years from now? I will die and all of those that I effect will eventually die too, and then none of it will matter. Yet I so badly long to have something. I want to know that everything I went through in my life wasn’t for nothing. I want to feel like my struggles in some way mattered. Idk. I feel so conflicted. Then today, as I was thinking about all of this, I realized that as far as death, I am afraid of simply not being here. I guess the unknown is slightly frightening. If you die knowing, or at least believing that you are going to heaven than that takes away some of the fear of death. It makes it somehow ok. Whether or not you are right doesn’t really matter because you are simply dead. Dying without knowing what you believe is somehow scarier. Yet for me, if I choose to believe in heaven then I would receive no comfort in killing myself because my beliefs would have to be that I would be going to hell. I guess either way, there is no way to comfort yourself in suicide. Unless you believe in some religion in which taking your own life is the ultimate sacrifice for your god, but in that case I would probably have to become a suicide bomber or something which I could never do. I want to take my own life, but I could never hurt anyone else. I feel bad about hurting people emotionally by taking my own life, I would never have peace knowing that I took other’s life in taking mine. I guess that is the reason that I have steered away from suicide ideas that could endanger other people. I figure my life is useless, but if someone else’s life is better than mine, what right do I have to take it away from them. I guess there is no comfort in suicide. I don’t even know why I am seeking comfort. When you think about it, seeking comfort in killing yourself is a pretty stupid thing. I guess I am more of trying to make it easier. I hate life and I want to escape. I realized today that I really don’t want to die. I want to see how it all plays out. I want to see the ending. If I kill myself I won’t be around to see how things work out in the end. Yet at the same time I want so desperately to escape. I realized that I don’t want to die, I have simply gotten to the point in my life where I see no other options. I guess I have been at the point for some time now, hence me being suicidal for so long, but since I don’t really want to die, I have often searched for other options. Every other option that I have sought has just made my life worse though. With dying it is over though. It is the end. That is what I so desperately want, but it is also what I fear. I guess I desperately want a happy ending and have gotten to the point that any ending at all seems better than continuing. But if I simply end my life I take away any chance for that happy ending. Though I don’t really see any possible chance for a happy outcome to my life so it seems pointless to keep going on. Idk. I realized today that I am actually kinda afraid of death. It was a weird feeling. I don’t really fear all that much. Not to say that I am fearless, but when you have desperately wanted to die for years, there isn’t much left to fear in life. For most situations the worse possible outcome is death. Since I longed to die, I had no reason to fear. I guess I don’t really fear death itself. I have come to accept it. To some extent. I don’t know how I feel about it really. Like there is a sense of fear there, but I am not sure of what. I want to die, but at the same time I guess I have some fear of not being here. I desperately want to see the end. I guess it is almost a fear of making a mistake. What if I kill myself when I could have had a happy ending? What if it would have improved in one more month, or one more year? I honestly don’t believe it will ever improve but at the same time, there is always the what if. I guess I fear messing up more than death itself. Like with college. I am so scared that I am screwing up. Death is a very extreme example but it is similar. I know that anyone who has never experience what I have would say that death isn’t the answer and that things will get better, but when you have been here you realize that things don’t always work out. The thing that has been playing through my mind lately is “happily ever after only exists in fairy tales”. It is sad, but so true. I don’t expect my life to have a happily ever after. I desperately want it to, but when I look at things logically it probably won’t. I can’t imagine myself getting a job. I can’t imagine myself having a family. I can barely imagine myself in college and that is cuz I have forced myself to believe that it is my future. I make plans because I have to have something to cling to, even if I don’t believe it myself. Yet taking the steps to make those plans become a reality is something that I don’t really want to do, because then I am stuck with them. It makes it more real. It makes it binding. When you don’t know whether or not you are going to live until the end of the week, binding issues are a bad thing. I know that it sounds terrible to say that I might not live until the end of the week, and that doesn’t mean that I am extremely suicidal, but things are so uncertain in my life. I want to die. Making plans for life seems illogical. Trying to plan long term doesn’t make sense. My life changes so quickly. All of it is so up in the air. Even though I may feel find at one moment, I still know that sometime later I could be ready to take my own life. I have wanted it so long. Maybe at some point I will do it. But I can’t tell anyone any of this. I can’t say all of the stuff on my mind. Lately I have been trying to analyze things but I can’t discuss it with anyone. I can’t work it out. I realize that if anyone dared read what I have written, even tonight, they would lock me up in a heartbeat. I would lose my freedom. My life would be more hell than it is now. All because they think they know best. Idk. It is all so frustrating. I spent a week hearing that I was not meant to be alone but I am. People envy me for my mind but it is my biggest enemy. It is my biggest struggle. How can you ever win a battle when your biggest enemy is yourself?

Idk why I am writing on my laptop right now when my computer is right in front of me, but I guess that doesn’t matter. Since I have been home things have only gotten worse. Yesterday I was going to stay up until late at night but ended up being so exhausted that I slept from like 3 til 9. Then I got up for a while and still felt like crap. I stayed in my room for quite a while just because I was in a really bad mood. Then I came out at like midnight because for some reason I wanted icecream. My mom saw this as the opportunity to talk to me. Apparently she has a job now. I initially didn’t really see that as a good or bad thing because she has been looking for a job and it is something that she needs. The bad part is that she now wants me to be the chauffeur for both her and my brother. Apparently I am supposed to get up at like 5 am to go take her to work, then come back home and then take my brother to work at like 7 am. Then come back to spend the day by myself until I have to go pick them up in the afternoon. Basically meaning that I don’t get much of any sleep. Then she told me that apparently there is a credit card account out there that Ron had that has her name on it. That is nothing all that new because there was huge issues with that when they went through the divorce. We had people coming after us for things that Ron owed but most of it got taken care of in the divorce. For a while afterwards we still had people calling us and threatening us but it wasn’t really a big deal. I guess she just found out this week that the credit card company is now suing her for $35,000 for this credit account that she didn’t even know existed. Apparently Ron charge a bunch of crap on it and hasn’t paid anything for years and so now they are coming after her. Plus they are also threatening to get her on criminal charges of fraud etc. She is like freaking out about all of this which she has every right to. Idk. It isn’t right, but then a lot of things have happened that aren’t right yet seem to happen anyways. The whole mess frustrates me. I can barely handle the stuff that is going on in my own head and then I come home to all of this mess. It just makes me question what I could have ever done to deserve all of this. Why me? *sigh* Now this makes things even more difficult. I was really suicidal yesterday but decided to wait til today. After finding all of this stuff out, my life is now worse but I also have more of a guilt factor. My mom’s life is an absolute mess right now too and if I were to kill myself I would be making things worse. Yet at the same time, my life has gotten so much worse in the past week. I am completely alone, I have given up on people and pretty much God too. Idk what else to do. I don’t even want to do college stuff cuz I am at the point that I figure I will just die anyways so there is no point. Taking out loans would just make things more of a mess for my mom if I don’t live long enough to pay them off. She doesn’t realize this though so she is currently bugging me on getting my loans together. Idk. I can’t deal with all of this yet I have absolutely no one to turn to. I am amazed that I just spent an entire week focused on the theme “we were never meant to be alone” and yet I feel more alone than ever. I am currently trying to ignore emotions though because I am not sure that I could handle them. I let myself try to have emotions this past week and it was so incredibly exhausting. Right now I just don’t want to do anything. I am so numb. I know all of this crap in the back of my mind so I am trying to not deal with it. I so badly want to be able to turn to someone and to rant and scream about all of this but I know that I can’t. That is the really frustrating part. I so desperately need someone to turn to yet after last week I feel that I can’t. I mean, I know that they would listen to the things that are going on with my family and stuff, but the deeper issues I can’t tell anyone. Anytime I talk to someone I walk away with a sense of frustration because there are so many things that I simply cannot tell them. No matter what I always have to watch my words and be careful with what I say. I can never really open up because there is the issue of suicide. That is basically what made me give up this past week. I was trying so hard but then realized that I was getting nowhere. Then when they talked about the one thing that you were keeping in, I immediately went to suicide. That is the one thing that I cannot tell anyone. It is the one thing that keeps me alone. I can never truly talk to anyone therefore I will always be alone. It’s frustrating when I think about it, but it’s not like there is anything I can do about it. I want so badly to give up right now, but the level of guilt in doing so is so much greater now that things are such a mess around here. I mean, honestly it makes me feel worse about my life, yet at the same time I feel a sense of obligation to my mom. It’s not like there is anything that I can do to help her and I realize that, but at the same time I feel like I am being a terrible person if I were to die now. Idk. I know that I would be dead and so I wouldn’t be around to feel terrible, but as I am still alive I am still able to realize what I would do. Another thing that has always bugged me about death is that I won’t be there to see it. I know it sounds stupid but I want to see how things play out in the end. I guess it’s the part of me that always wanted to be able to look back years later and be able to see how things work out. If I die I can’t do that. Yet at the same time I so badly want to die. I want it all to go away. If I am successful I won’t be able to see it because I will be, well, dead. It seems like such a stupid thing to want. I don’t know that I would necessarily want to sit around and watch things after I was dead because I am assuming it would be a very happy situation, but at the same time I almost want to see it. I want to see how people would react. I want to see what happens. I guess, I want to have some sort of conclusion. Nothing in my life ever has closure and I want that. I have no idea why, but I long for closure. I guess that and the whole unknown aspect of it all. I have grown up my whole life being told to believe in God and that suicide is a sin. I am currently at the point that I have pretty much given up on God yet at the same time, in the back of my mind, I want to believe. The fact that idk what is going to happen bugs me. I guess if I were to be able to know then it would be easier. But I can’t. I guess I want to skip ahead to the ending. I want to see how it all turns out whether happy or sad. I so desperately need that ending and killing myself isn’t exactly an ending. I mean, for me as a person it would be the end, but it isn’t an ending. I so badly wanted to kill myself while I was still at CIY. I wanted to find the train tracks. I wanted to see if I would/could do it. I wanted to escape while I was still in my bubble. Now I am back home. I am no longer in the bubble. It seems like it would have been so much easier if I could have done it before I came back to this mess. I actually thought about that while I was at CIY. I thought of what would happen. How people would react. I think I would be the first person to take their life at one of those things. It would have a sense of irony. Yet at the same time it would be terrible for those around me. I somehow feel that it would lessen the guilt, if even slightly, on those at home because I wouldn’t have been there for them to do anything, but at the same time it would be terrible for those people in my youth group. I think that it would have been hard on the various people that saw me crying. I think it would be hard for the people in my group that knew something was wrong yet I never told them. So many days I was upset. For several days afterwards I was cold and isolated. I guess, idk. I never did find the train tracks though. I never had the opportunity. Finding them would still be a big risk though. Especially if I didn’t do it. Idk if I would have been able to do it. I wanted to find them simply to see if I could. If I was there and I knew a train was coming, would I be able to do it. I think that is different than hanging myself. With a train it would be a limited decision. I would have however many seconds it took the train to get there to decide. With hanging it is infinite. I can take as long as I want to decide. I have to take the physical steps to do it. I have to go to the barn. I have to tie the rope. And of course, I have to jump. With a train I can get there and not know. I don’t have to make the decision til the very last second. I can either stand there or move. Yet if I were to go to the tracks and then decide to move out of the way I would have to deal with the possibility of someone finding out. I wish I had Kayla’s situation where I could get to the tracks so easily. I mean, she plays on the train tracks regularly. She has the opportunity all of the time. I guess I kinda have the same opportunity because I could hang myself pretty easily but for some reason I think a train would be easier. You could just randomly decide one day that you no longer have the desire to move out of the way and then it would be over. Simple as that. I know that making that decision isn’t easy, but still. *sigh* idk anymore. I know that I shouldn’t be talking like this but it is how I feel. I regret playing euchre instead of looking for the train tracks. I am frustrated by Jamal running after me. I am frustrated that no one came with me the first time. If I would have known where they were, I could have walked to them instead of just sitting staring at a brick wall when I was upset. I longed to be home while I was at CIY but now I wish to go back. The bad part is, my reasons for going back are wrong. I do not want to go back for good reasons. I guess it doesn’t matter now. For some reason I feel like I shouldn’t do anything today. I feel that I should at least go to church tomorrow. Idk y. I guess I will see how it goes. Becky just got online and talked to me. She hasn’t been online in a really long time so I feel like I should talk to her. I might write more later, depending on how I feel.

Ok, well I never did write yesterday, obviously. I went downstairs cuz I was going to go for a walk and found everyone in the lobby area. I ended up playing euchre with a bunch of people instead of going for my walk. I played with Meghan cuz she was just learning how to play and she was getting really frustrated with the whole thing. After that we all went to dinner. I was going to at least walk to dinner but I ended up riding with everyone else cuz I would have been late if I had walked. Dinner wasn’t that bad. I really didn’t want to be around people. After dinner I wanted to go walk and find the train tracks. I actually said to do it as a bunch of us going together. Well, basically, they wanted to go for a walk and I suggested that we go find the train tracks because Jenny and I always hear the trains late at night. We were going to go but ended up stopping at the auditorium. While we were there some people came up to John and said that they found his money. I guess he had lost $65. So he got his money and then no longer cared about going for a walk because he wanted to spend his money. Jenny and Nick were supposed too, but then they decided that they would rather stand around inside so I decided to go by myself. I went out and began to walk in the direction that I hear the trains when Jamal comes running out. He yells after me. Then he comes up to me and says that Nick told him that he better come after me cuz if I kill myself then it would be on his conscience too. I just gave him a weird look, but that definitely freaked me out. I didn’t tell any of them that I was suicidal. I ended up walking a little bit more but didn’t find the train tracks. I kinda came to a dead end street and didn’t know what direction to go or how far I needed to go. Jamal was freaking out about me going off of campus and so I ended up going back. That was annoying. When I came back inside I didn’t know what to do. The night before Nick was acting overly caring towards me and like paying extra attention to me even when Jenny (his girlfriend) was around but I thought that he was just trying to be compassionate like everyone else was. The fact that him and Jamal both thought that I was suicidal freaked me out. That was definitely a trigger for me. I then had all of the emotions from being put in the hospital against my will. I didn’t know how to react or what to do. I decided to talk to Missy cuz she is the only person that I have actually talked to. I find it ironic that we sorta bonded or the fact that neither of us are being very good Christians. Lol. Anyways, I found her pretty late into session and she assured me that she didn’t tell anyone. I believe her. During session I had no idea how to react. Like I felt like I should sing cuz if I didn’t a bunch of people would be asking me what was wrong and if they did know I had been suicidal it would look bad. I was so overwhelmed with feelings of anger and betrayal that I couldn’t exactly get into the music though. One of the exercises that they did was to have these pictures on the sides and we were supposed to pray for whatever was there. I decided that it would be a good opportunity to get away for a little bit. That was what I did before, but not even really intentionally. When they had the writing on the Plexiglas thing, I went outside just cuz I couldn’t handle it anymore and I guess people just thought that I had gone to go write on the Plexiglas. I went over to the side then went outside. I just sat out between the 2 brick walls on the side of the auditorium like I always do. I was just so overwhelmed with anger and fear. I ended up sitting there for a little bit then going back in cuz I was scared someone would come out or that I would get in trouble. I was very very mistrusting at this point. I came back in and John was like “oh my gosh I was so worried about you, are you ok.” That was odd. That made me even more worried cuz that isn’t the typical reaction especially from John. Then Missy was standing there and said something to me and we decided to go back outside. We pretty much just stood out there for a little bit and talked. She seems really understanding of my perspective on the whole thing. After that we just came back in. I guess everyone was like praying or something when we came back in because there was almost no one from our groups in their seats. For the rest of the service I basically just sat there. I was really zoning out. I drew for a while until my marker was drying up. Then I pretty much was just there. My mind was so far from what was going on around me. I was sitting by Todd so I felt that I had to be careful. He seemed to intentionally sit by me, but maybe I am just being paranoid. I can never be too careful. He didn’t say anything so I guess it doesn’t matter. Anyways, after evening celebration we had youth group time as usual. I went and just sat on my rock as I have for the past couple days. I was amazed at how people reacted. Like I haven’t prayed for the past 2 days in youth group time and I guess some of the guys were talking about how I was annoying cuz I never talked and didn’t pray. I guess I don’t’ really care at the moment though. I was just amazed at how quickly they were to get annoyed at me. Like as I sat there, the attitudes of people were very different from when I was actually trying. I know that it is mainly my fault and I know that I was being a pain and annoying but it just amazed me on how quickly they reacted negatively. Definitely made me feel that I couldn’t trust any of them. Anyways, youth group time luckily was really short cuz we wanted to go out and get donuts, it’s kind of a tradition. We went out to the donut place and I really didn’t want to be there. I was just sitting there and I was so frustrated and overwhelmed that I just wanted to be alone. It was so hard to sit there around everyone when I was partially angry at them. Then finally we went back to the apartments. I went in my room for a little bit but didn’t know what to do. I was so overwhelmed that I couldn’t relax but couldn’t really do anything either. I ended up going out to our little living room area cuz everyone else was out there. I didn’t do a whole lot. For a while I was laying on my chest banging my head on the floor. I simply said that I was in an angry mood and no one asked. Idk if I wanted them to ask or not. Missy talked to me for a few minutes when I was in my room and I told her what I had thought of youth group time. She kinda agreed. After being out in the living and basically just sitting around for a while people started going to bed. I left to my room while Jenny and Becky were still talking. I sorta took down some of the decorations that we had and stuff just so I wouldn’t have to do it in the morning. Then I got ready for bed and laid down. I kinda dozed off, then Jenny came in and I woke back up. I ended up falling back to sleep pretty quickly though. I was so exhausted.

Getting up this morning was so hard. I really didn’t want to wake up. We basically just packed up and got going. I was happy to be going home just cuz it had been such an exhausting week. We left the campus at 8 and basically just drove home. I was on my laptop for a while. I borrowed some people’s camera memory cards and put them on my laptop so now I have a bunch of pictures. Then I was making like a slide show movie but got bored and frustrated with it. It was basically just something to do to pass the time. Most of the people in the van were sleeping. I ended up giving up and just trying to lay down. I never did fall asleep but I basically just laid there. We listened to John’s CD of Thor (the comedian that was at CIY). I couldn’t get comfortable enough to sleep though. We got back to church a little before noon. I called my mom and she didn’t even know that I was coming home today. That felt wonderful. She came and picked me up pretty quickly. Since I have been home I haven’t done much. I am really tired but I was going to wait til the evening to lay down cuz then I will be able to sleep through the night. Idk if I am going to last that long though because I am so exhausted right now. Like I got home and I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to go home so badly just cuz I was so tired of CIY and everything that was going on, but once I got home I didn’t know what to do.

I actually feel way worse now than before I went to CIY. That is frustrating. I think I am more suicidal now because I have mostly given up. I have given up on people and pretty much given up on God. I know that is a terrible thing to say but that is how I feel right now. I can’t really tell anyone though. That is the difficult part. I just spent an entire week focused on the theme “we were never meant to be alone” yet I feel more alone than ever. That was how I felt last night too. It was so frustrating. I thought of going down to the barn and just climbing up into the rafter, maybe taking my rope, but idk if I am going to do that right now. My mom just left to take the daycare kids to the pool. Apparently, a lot has changed since I left, at least according to my mom. She just said that she wants to sit down and talk with my brother and I this afternoon. That shall be interesting. I am pretty sure that she got a job this week cuz she said that she couldn’t talk about it around the daycare kids and that I was lucky she was there when I called. Idk what to do. I really want to go down to the barn right now but I think I will give it until tomorrow. I think it would be better not to jump to drastic actions. Plus I am so incredibly exhausted. I figure I will wait at least at day to give myself a chance to try to process things a little bit. Soo much has been thrown at me this past week and I just need time to process it all. I will probably sleep in late tomorrow and then will have tons of time to sit around thinking too much. Lol. Next week I have VBS but that is just in the evening. I am hoping that it doesn’t go that badly. And if for some reason I feel as crappy about life tomorrow as I do today, my mom will be gone til late so I have time. Hopefully things don’t get worse though with our “family meeting” tonight because I don’t think that I can handle things getting much worse in my life right now. *sigh* I guess I am just going to go lay down right now because I am so exhausted. I will figure things out later.