I am stressed about work and that Justin is being a jerk and that he treats me like crap and everytime he treats me like crap I feel horrible about myself. I hate that I am so messed up that stupid arrogant ppl like him can upset me so much and feel so horrible about myself. I hate that I am literally so mentally messed up that my body is shutting down. I am afraid that there actually could be something wrong with me that is serious and I can’t even afford the medical bills that I have and wouldn’t be able to pay for it. I don’t even want to fight with a serious disease if I had one but everyone would hate me if I got sick and didn’t do anything about it. I am frustrated because I feel that me being sick is probably just my body shutting down because I literally don’t care anymore but can’t do anything about it. I am frustrated that I can’t afford the meds that I need. I hate that I have to take meds in the first place and that my mind is such a mess that I will be messed up if I don’t take them. I hate that there is nothing the doctors can do to help me. I hate that no one can understand what I am going through and that I can’t even begin to tell anyone because no one can handle my life yet I have to live with it every single day. I hate that I am a burden to everyone around me. I hate that I can’t have any normal relationships. I hate that I have told the people at work way too much and now everyone sees me as fragile. I hate being treated like an idiot. I hate that I am an idiot. I hate depending on other people because they always fall through. I hate that I am stupid enough to even try in the first place even though I told myself that I wouldn’t.  

I don’t know what to really say at the moment but I am overwhelmed and felt the need to write. Maybe this will help me stop going over the same things over and over again in my head. I am just so sick of everything right now. I am sick, I am exhausted. I am literally physically and mentally falling apart and I don’t know what to do about it. Physically I have been having chest pains, half the time I feel like I can’t breathe, I am tired all of the time. I am so exhausted and the fact that I always feel incredibly horrible is really really frustrating me. I am falling so far behind from being sick and this is the last week before final exams. I just can’t deal with it all. I don’t even really know what I think about any of it anymore. I don’t have that part of me that is fighting to succeed but I don’t have that part of me that is fighting to die. It is just all gone. I don’t care about much of anything really. I can see I am falling apart but there is nothing that I can do about it. I can’t force myself to care. At the same time, I can’t really seem to force myself to die. Well, I am sure that I could die because at any point it is a decision but I see no point if I don’t fully want it. I don’t want to live, but I can’t bring myself to die. I just can’t deal with all of it. I am going through everyday and I don’t even know what I am doing. I go through the motions because I have to. I always go through the motions, but honestly, if someone asked me how I feel about it all I really wouldn’t know. I don’t know where I stand. I never know how I am going to feel each day or really each hour. Everything is up in the air. It is out of control. My life is out of control. It’s not even really the feeling of floating because even that was controlled. I was just sitting, waiting for death to come. I had accepted it and was ok with it. I could look for something to make me die and that was how I continued. Now I don’t know what I have. I don’t know how I feel. I guess I haven’t had as much time to think about it with being so sick, but I can still see that I am falling apart. The only person that I really talk to about any of this can see that I am falling apart. I just can’t bring myself to care about anything. I don’t know how long I can continue like this though. It is horrible. I rather be constantly wanting to die than to just exist in this state. Half the time things are really unreal. Like right now everything feels unreal. I still can’t bring myself to accept that I live in NY. I can’t bring myself to believe that I am in college or that I am going to be an engineer. I make plans for the summer but I don’t really believe them. I have never really believed them. Everything that has happened in my life over the past 6 months seems completely unreal. I know that most of my life is generally unreal but it is almost painful to look at. Everything I went through means nothing. All of the things I did are meaningless. I don’t think that any of it will ever have any meaning. It has been 6 months and I can’t accept it. I can’t seem to move on in my mind. I don’t know. I just feel frustrated. I can’t deal with life. I don’t want to do this anymore. I am exhausted and I am tired of fighting. I am falling apart and I can’t seem to fight it. I just want to go to sleep. I want to curl up in a ball and have it all go away.

So I am at the library right now and I felt the need to write. I left my dorm because I couldn’t bear to be there anymore and decided to start walking. Had no idea where I was going but decided to walk. I have done this a couple times when life was unbearable and I my roommates where there. So I guess as I was walking I decided to stop at the library and write.

So basically my life is falling apart right now. Well, more accurately, I am falling apart. I hate seeing the new DBT therapist. I am depressed. I have been getting really sick and I don’t even know what it is. At first they said that I kept having breathing problems because I had something really serious wrong with me and now they tell me it may just be stress. I guess it pretty much sux either way. If it is something serious then I can’t really do anything about it because I don’t have insurance. If it is just stress then the whole thing is my fault for not being able to manage it. I guess it is better that it is just stress. Well actually, idk. I am at the point that I really don’t care if I had something serious wrong with me. I actually think it would make it easier. I mean if I was going to die anyways of some disease then it would be easier to simply kill myself. It would actually make sense to other people. There would be some physical reason that they could understand.

*sigh* Idk how I feel right now. I just don’t care anymore. This weekend I kinda reached my breaking point. I had a meltdown. It was basically just sitting and crying for 20 mins. Lol. I know, crying is stupid but I just couldn’t deal with it. I was exhausted and I had tons of stuff to do and I couldn’t focus and I felt horrible and basically just couldn’t deal with it all anymore. So yah, I got really upset and then got over it as usual. But idk, it was different. Like my will to fight is over. For years I have been constantly fighting. Sometimes fighting to live, sometimes to die, sometimes for control, but whatever it was I was always fighting. Most times I was fighting for two complete opposite extremes. And the whole time it was incredibly exhausting and painful but I survived. This is how I lived. Now I don’t care to fight anymore. Like I have said that before but it was more of saying it. This is feeling it. It isn’t me mentally deciding that I don’t want to fight anymore, it is my mind and body deciding for me. I had an episode of not breathing today but that was my fault. I let it happen. I was stressed out and exhausted in the first place. Then I went to talk to my comp sci professor and she told me that I had missed a test this morning and I couldn’t make it up. They drop the lowest test score so the 0 will just be dropped, but I needed that test. I didn’t do all that great on the past 2 and I at least needed the chance to do better. I probably would have done horrible because I have been so far behind on everything but I needed the chance. I then was running around to get there on time and then get to Physics and I just couldn’t breathe. I guess I let myself stop breathing because I was frustrated and angry. I probably could have controlled it if I really tried but I was angry at myself. I had paramedics again. I didn’t really want them, I just wanted someone to take me back to my dorm so I could use my nebulizer, but whatever.

Anyways, I might stop writing now. Idk where I am going to go. I kinda want to just walk. Like I don’t even care if I stay on campus. I want to go until I can’t anymore. I don’t care where I end up. I brought the scarf that I use to choke myself in case I want to use it but idk what I am going to do. I am honestly falling apart to the point that I don’t even care to kill myself. I mean, to go through with the act of taking my life requires a level of anger. I have to want to do it. Right now I don’t want anything. I don’t care about anything. I know it is totally cliché but I really just want to fall asleep and not wake up. I don’t want the pain of killing myself, I don’t want the experience, I don’t care to put in the effort, I just want it all to go away. I can’t deal with life anymore. I am exhausted. I really just don’t care anymore. I have completely lost the will to fight for anything, including death. How pathetic is it when I am so exhausted and falling apart to the point that I can’t even kill myself. I guess when your entire survival is a constant internal war then when you stop fighting there is nothing left. The really crappy part is that I can’t talk to anyone about this even if I wanted to. I saw the psychologist guy tonight and wanted to say something to him about how I hated the DBT lady and was being forced to do all this crap but he didn’t ask, and I felt like I shouldn’t bring it up. Idk why I didn’t. I was sitting there wanting to but I couldn’t bring myself to say anything.  I just felt like I shouldn’t even tho I wanted to. I kinda wish I would have because maybe he would have been able to at least help a little but but I didn’t. I guess it doesn’t matter now. A part of me wants to e-mail my old therapist. I know that she isn’t supposed to see me anymore but at least she listened. Right now I desperately need someone to listen. I guess since I no longer am fighting to die I don’t really want it. At least at the moment I don’t. But I am falling apart and I can’t really live either. I guess if I don’t do something then I am going to die. I don’t see the psychologist guy for 2 weeks and I have to go back to the DBT lady on Monday. I hate talking to her tho. Everytime I don’t want to do something she just threatens me with the stupid contract. I hate the idiot people for making me sign a contract. I hate them for messing with my life. They are killing me. They have taken away my options. I could have tried to survive but no, they had to ruin it. Now I either do what they want or die. I do a program that I didn’t think was going to work or I die. I have nothing to go back to if I leave here. Being here is my only chance at any future at all even if I don’t really believe in it. If I leave here then I have nothing. Yet I am a liability to them so they have to deal with me as such. They are going to kill me just to protect themselves. If they would shut up for a minute and listen to me then maybe they could help but no. They have to destroy my life. I hate the idiot people for killing me. They are so concerned about not being legally responsible if I die that they are going to kill me. They are killing me. But who cares about that. As long as I am no longer a liability. God I hate life.

Anyways, I don’t really have much else to say at the moment so I guess I am going to go. I am basically going to walk until I don’t feel like it anymore. I have no idea where I am going. It isn’t exactly a huge campus so I don’t have a whole lot of places that I can go. I might go off campus. That definitely increases the danger of something happening but I don’t really care at the moment. I mean, worse that could happen is that someone kidnaps me and kills me. Then I wouldn’t have to do it myself. Well actually worse that could happen is that I get raped. That would definitely be more horrible than death. But then I think I would be able to do it. That would give me the motivation. That would give me the anger so I guess I don’t really care anymore. I don’t care what happens. I pretty much don’t care about anything at the moment. I am exhausted. I don’t want to fight. I don’t want to deal with it.

So, I should really really be doing my Physics homework right now but I feel the need to rant. Oh, and someone is on my usual couch right now so I have to be sitting at a desk which sux. It is easier to just relax and rant if I can relax. Lol. Anyways, today wasn’t that bad I guess. The weather suxed. It was like insanely cold and windy. Like we actually had wind advisories and had like 50-60 mph winds. Lol, I am being random tonight. So I had a comp sci test today. That went ok. I think I will do ok. Ok, forget the random going through the meaningless details of my day. That is what I used to do and I don’t really feel like wasting time recalling the details of what I did today. So the big thing is that I went to the psychologist today. Idk why but I had a lot of anxiety about going there. I was really depressed too. I was sitting in the waiting room and I felt horrible. Talking to him wasn’t that bad though. He is one of the few people that I actually don’t mind talking to. I basically went in there and explained that I was there basically because I was being forced to. I told him about the whole thing with public safety and the conduct board. I also told him that they were being stupid and really taking away my options which is true. I either do a program that I don’t believe will actually work or I die. My chances are great. Lol. He said that it was sad and also said that he didn’t believe that I should have to take meds if I didn’t want to. He was actually really adamant about that one. He said that he was the doctor and the one that had gone to school for so many years and he is the only one that can prescribe me meds. We talked about the fact that I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do and was pretty frustrated with everything. I also told him about the whole fact that I can no longer cause myself enough physical pain to handle what I feel. Again, he just said it was sad. He seems to take an interest in the fact that I feel the need to hurt myself, especially since I choose to strangle myself. He seems to respect that I do it because I experience pain beyond what he can imagine. He asked me if I was still having suicidal tendencies and I said kinda. I probably shouldn’t have said that. He then asked if I was like planning anything and I said no, at which point he asked me if I would even tell him if I was. Again I told him no. Now that I think about it I really shouldn’t have said that. He didn’t seem all that concerned tho. Idk. I mean, when he first asked me about the choking thing I could tell he was concerned because he was all serious. This was more casual. I really have to be careful tho. I see such topics of conversation as casual but obviously the rest of the world doesn’t. I don’t think he will like go to the authorities though because he seemed to understand that it wasn’t exactly helping me. Everyone interfering in my life is only making things worse. He also agreed with me on the whole not liking when people tell you what to do. I still need to be careful. It is stupid to expect anyone to be able to handle the fact that I have suicidal tendencies. Gah. I feel like crap. I don’t want to do my homework. I am so incredibly exhausted. I really just don’t want to do anything. Everything is so incredibly unbearable. Oh, I thought about trying to OD a little bit ago. I had 18 of the Celexa because I abruptly stopped taking them instead when I wasn’t exactly supposed to. But I looked online and it said that it basically wouldn’t do all that much. I then looked through my drawer and I have some of the Zoloft stuff. I have 19 of those. They have been just sitting there for a couple months because I only took a few and then had to stop because they made me insanely depressed. Pretty much like I am right now. Lol. I thought of taking both, and maybe some of the sleeping med too but I decided not to. I don’t even know what really would have been my intention of doing it. I wasn’t exactly suicidal. I am just frustrated. I am exhausted. I am so sick of fight. I am so sick of struggling. I wanted to hurt myself. I wanted to be destructive in some way. Choking myself seems pointless now unless I am going to use it to kill myself. I can deal with the pain pretty easily now, which is weird because it is pretty intense pain. Well, I guess it’s not weird. I just learned to adapt. I really want to do something destructive right now. Like I don’t even really care what at the moment. I want to do something impulsive. I want to hurt myself in some way. I want to cause myself pain. I cannot deal with this. I have tons of work that I should be doing right now and I can’t focus. I don’t know how to do half the stuff in physics and it frustrates me so much. I just can’t deal with it. I am so completely drained. I am not all that suicidal but I just want it to all go away. It’s not even the really end it all thing, I just can’t deal with it all right now. *sigh* I am pretty much talking in circles right now though and I have tons of work to do so I need to stop writing.

So, yah. I should be writing an essay right now but I am having a horrible time focusing. I feel horrible. I had a minor panic attack tonight. Well idk if I would even really call it a panic attack. I have been having trouble breathing for the past week and I don’t know why. Which really sux because I am exhausted all of the time. It’s like I feel horrible enough as is, and now I can’t breathe half the time so I am exhausted. Basically tonight I was having trouble breathing and I was stressed and kinda started choking. Well I pretty much just got frustrated by the fact that I couldn’t breathe. I was basically just blaring music and trying to ignore it but that didn’t work all that well. It was a weird feeling though. Cuz I was coughing and struggling to breathe and I am sure I sounded horrible but I couldn’t really hear it because I had head phones on. Lol. But yah, I did get kinda bad. I was about to collapse partially from exhaustion partially from not being able to breathe. I didn’t want to collapse on my floor though because I was concerned that one of my roommates would walk in with me on the floor and that would be bad. So I went over to my bathroom and sat down against the wall and kinda let myself just collapse. That was interesting. I was just laying there in the dark on my bathroom floor. I have recently decided that I like being in the dark in the bathroom because it is pitch black. But yah, this wasn’t just being in there, this was actually just laying there on the floor struggling to breathe. It actually helped me calm my breathing down a lot faster than usual tho so I guess it isn’t that bad. Then one of my friends came. I was still pretty out of it and about to collapse but I went outside with her. It was sprinkling so we couldn’t sit on a bench cuz they were all wet and I could barely walk because I was still feeling pretty horrible. So we went and sat in this little area by our building that we call the wind tunnel. Lol, luckily it wasn’t all that windy tonight. We basically just sat there against the wall for a while. It was actually pretty nice. It was a good way to relax some. Then we came back. I went in my room but I still couldn’t get any work done. I felt horrible. I have been so depressed, angry, stressed, overwhelmed, exhausted etc. I am having a really difficult time dealing with everything. I feel so desperate. I just need a break but I can’t get one. Even weekends aren’t a break. The past couple weekends I spend Saturday doing nothing and feeling insanely depressed. Last Saturday the whole not being able to breathe thing was really getting to me so all I wanted to do was sleep all day. Then on Sunday I get up to go to work then come back and get really stressed about how much work to do. I usually end up staying up really late and getting very little done then going to sleep when I give up and cannot bear to be awake any longer. Then I have weekdays where I get up early and go to class then come back in the evening and get almost nothing done. I have had several nights where I have literally done like nothing. Like I haven’t accomplished anything tonight and it is already 11. I hate myself. I can’t deal with this. I am so exhausted. I am physically about to collapse. I have been so depressed that half the time I can barely function. I am so completely overwhelmed and drained. I don’t want to fight anymore. I just want to give up. Yet for some reason I feel slightly less suicidal. I guess it is because of this stupid DBT thing. I mean, I can’t say that I really believe in God right now but it feels like this was meant to happen. Idk what I believe really but I still feel that there is something watching out for me. I feel like things couldn’t just be random coincidence. Anyways, that is a whole other thing. Idk, I guess I feel like I happen to go to a school that has this DBT program that was basically designed for ppl like me. Apparently it isn’t exactly all that common of a thing to have. I guess in a way I want to try it. I guess knowing it is there means that I haven’t tried every options. I choose death because there are no other options. I have tried to kill myself because I didn’t see any other way out. Now I have this thing there. I honestly don’t see it actually working, but it is there. And even if I know the chances of it working are like non-existent I can’t fully convince myself that there is absolutely nothing. I still have that stupid part of me that is fighting to live. I am to the point that I hate that part of me. I guess I have hated that part before. I want to give up. I am exhausted. I don’t care anymore. I am to the point that I cannot physically cause myself enough pain without like mutilating myself. Strangling myself doesn’t even work anymore because it isn’t enough pain. I guess that is because I took it to the point of death. It was easier when it was more of an unknown. I could do it hoping in the back of my mind that it would kill me. Now I know the limit. I know what will kill me. I know how far I have to push it. So now I can’t just do it and hope I will die. I guess that is part of the reason that it frustrates me. I can handle the physical pain and it wont’ kill me unless I fully set out to do it. I mean, there could always be an accident but the chances are slim. Last time I did it I was literally sitting there wondering why I was doing it. I was fully present. I mean, I could feel the pressure in my head. The pain was there, but it is no longer unbearable. I could feel the pressure in my eyes. It felt like my eyes were going to burst, my head was going to explode, I could feel the pulsing of my heart in my head, yet it wasn’t nearly enough. My current mental anguish is beyond what I can physically match. Well, idk if I ever could match it. I don’t think I could ever really cause myself nearly enough physical pain to equal what I was feeling but I guess the death part helped. Putting my life in danger helped. I always had that hope that I would die. That I would “accidentally” go too far and it would be over. I guess that was part of the release. Idk how to describe it. Anyways, I see the psychologist tomorrow. I don’t know if I want to deal with medications but I guess right now I have to. I can’t deal with not being on them. It’s not that I don’t want them as much as I don’t want to fight. I am so sick of everything. I am so sick of struggling. I am so sick of trying to live. I fight every single day for something that I don’t even really want. I endure more pain on a daily basis than most ppl can imagine to fight for a life that I don’t believe in. What’s the point? I don’t believe that I can ever get better. I don’t believe that I will make it. I mean, I make a future for myself because I learned that it is stupid to just stop. I don’t know when I am going to die so I can’t just stop everything and wait for it. I have to continue until it happens. Everything must outwardly seem normal until it isn’t. Yet even though I work endlessly and suffer it all seems pointless. If I am going to die in the end what is the point of all this? I don’t mean the whole everyone is going to die thing, I know that, I mean that I won’t survive this. What is the point of having suffered one more day, or month, whatever before I die. In the end it wont’ matter. I will be dead and having prolonged that slightly longer will not change that. Idk. I am just so sick of everything. I feel like the idiot people are backing me into a corner. They are actually making it worse in order to protect themselves. Idk if they think they are helping or not, but it is so stupid. Now they have basically just taken away my options. They think that by making me go to counseling whether I want to or not is giving me options but it isn’t. And by making me sign a contract they are basically saying that it is counseling or death. They are trading my options for life to protect their liability. Because before I still had the option of stopping the whole thing and trying to survive which is what I was doing. I know that the chances of me surviving without the meds or counseling at this point in my life are slim but I have done it before. I mean, I lived for years without any of it. It is a lot harder for me right now because I was on the meds and then stopped but still. I made it through hell for years without anyone knowing. Now, just because they want to protect their liability, they have taken that option away. Which basically means that if this doesn’t work I am dead. They might as well shoot me themselves. So basically my entire life hangs on something that I don’t even think will work. I guess that will make it an easy decision if it doesn’t. I mean, if I stop the DBT program then I not only end any chance of getting mental health help, but I also destroy my future. I stop going and they call my mom and try to get me to go back. That obviously won’t do anything but make my life hell at which point I get kicked out of RIT. So I get to go home to nothing. I can’t deal with that. At that point I won’t even have the pretend future that I make for myself. I will have nothing left and death should come easy. If that happens I will do it here. There is no point in even trying to go home. I don’t want to put it on my mom either. I mean, she at least tried. I know that things didn’t work out well for me, but she isn’t necessarily a horrible parent. It would be the idiotic ppl here that would have killed me. I think I would write a note saying that too. Lol. I mean, if they are going to trade my life for protecting themselves then why should I care? Anyways, I should be writing an essay instead of ranting about how much the world is pissing me off right now. Oh, and as is pretty obvious, I have decided to start blogging again. I feel the need to do it. Partly to document stuff and partly as a way to rant. Not sure how long it is going to last but we will see. I can’t actually post this to my blog which sux. The stupid Nazis apparently can watch the sites I go to. I guess I should know that, but they said they would look for every sight I had an account on. They said they would look for blogs etc. I think I am going to just keep this stuff on my computer and then post it all at once when I get a chance to get an internet connection away from RIT. Anyways, I am going to attempt to work on my paper now. Hopefully I will at least get some of that done so tonight won’t be a complete waste of my life.

So yah, this is probably going to be a short entry, but I felt the need to start writing as of this morning. I probably shouldn’t spend too much time writing tho because I am in the library and I should probably eat lunch at some point before I go to class. Lol. Anyways. Things have pretty much been a mess for me as usual. I honestly don’t know how much of it I have written about tho. Basically there was the whole crap with the counseling center calling my mom. Then I decided to no longer go because I could no longer trust them. Let’s see. Then I decided to stop taking my meds. That suxed. I went through physical withdrawal as the stuff left my system which basically consisted of being really sick for a week. I was nauseous and dizzy pretty much all of the time. Plus I had the constant feeling like someone was crushing my skull. There were times that I was about to collapse and could barely walk straight because I felt so horrible. That wasn’t all that bad tho. I mean, it really suxed but it could have been worse. I have experienced a lot worse in my life so it was bearable. Plus, I was doing the entire thing to be destructive. I basically expected to die once I stopped my meds. Withdrawal from SSRI’s is supposed to be pretty horrible. It is one of those things that you really have to fight to survive and I honestly didn’t care to. I wanted it to kill me. That is why I abruptly stopped without telling anyone. Pretty much I did everything that they say not to do. Unforutnately the day before I decided to stop I was ranting to a friend about the fact that I expect to die. I was feeling horrible and angry, etc. I think I chose to stop after seeing the shrink lady for the “last” time, but I don’t really remember anymore. I am very detached from all of that. So yah, I was texting a friend back home because she is the only person that is ok with me dying and apparently another friend found the messages. The other friend flipped out and called Campus Safety here in NY. They ended up hunting me down at work. Pretty much I just lied my way out of that tho. It was actually pretty easy. Anyways, after that I had like everyone all concerned. I actually had a different person call public safety again a couple days later and they came after me. They took me down to their office and made me talk to a crisis counselor. Luckily, the counselor that was on call that night wasn’t one that I have talked to before. I completely lied to her and after about an hour of sitting around etc, I got to leave. Lol. Anyways, a week or so later I had to go to the psychologist guy. I thought about just not going but I forgot to cancel and he isn’t that bad anyways, so I went. Plus, they charge me $50 if I just don’t show up.  I basically told him that I had stopped my meds and didn’t care. I also told him that I was basically just waiting for whatever happened and didn’t care if that meant death. I didn’t actually say that I was just waiting for things to get bad enough to die, but I think he got the general picture. Oh, I also told him that I felt that the counseling center had washed their hands of me by giving me a recommendation that there was no way I would ever do. Apparently he called the shrink lady after I left and talked to her. I guess it isn’t that bad. At least he didn’t like call my mom or public safety. So yah, the shrink lady then e-mailed me and said that she had talked to the psychologist and wanted to see me. I don’t know why I decided to go but I did. I guess that stupid part of me that desperately wanted to see her. I did that with KR. I mean, I still care about KR. I still want to talk to her and actually last night really wanted to write her a letter. This drives me nuts. Everytime I trust someone and they start to care about me I can’t seem to let go even if that person then makes my life hell. I mean, look at all the pain that KR caused in my life. I know she didn’t do it intentionally but still. Oh, another random, but very important detail. So, after the whole public safety thing I get an e-mail from the behavioural conduct board saying that I am “a concern to them and RIT” and that I need to meet with them. I didn’t want to and tried to figure out what it was about but they wouldn’t really specify and basically said that I had to be there. Anyways, so back to the shrink lady. I went to see her on like Thursday. She apologized for the whole thing with the recommendation and said that she didn’t take into account that it was at a hospital and I would never do it. She basically just talked to me about what I was going to do next and I told her that I didn’t know, which I didn’t and still don’t. She really wanted me to be in the DBT program there. She had referred me to a DBT program at a local hospital, but that obviously wasn’t going to happen. We also discussed the whole conduct board thing. She said that they aren’t going to be satisfied unless I am doing something so I agreed to at least meet the DBT lady. She was more pushy than the shrink lady that I was seeing. She basically made an appointment with me for this past Monday and said that I was going to go back to the psychologist to be on meds. I pretty much was really overwhelmed and felt backed into a corner so I left without doing anything. I actually told the shrink lady that I would see the psychologist but then when it was demanded of me I didn’t want to. So yah, on Friday I had the conduct board meeting. That suxed. They pretty much didn’t listen to a word I said. They had deemed me a liability and didn’t really care what I said. They said that I had to go to the counseling center and threatened to call my mom if I didn’t. They also said that they would basically kick me out of RIT if I didn’t. They told me that they have done it before and could make me go on a mandatory “leave of absence” for a year and then I wouldn’t be able to come back until I could prove that I was mentally stable enough to be here. I finally got out of there with them saying that they were going to write up a contract and I had to sign it when I went to the counseling center when I went on Monday. So basically they were trapping me. I know they think they were helping, or more of keeping themselves from being liable but the stupid ppl are killing me. Anyways, I did go to the counseling center on Monday, which was yesterday, but I need to stop writing now so I can grab some food before going to class. Hopefully I will be able to write more later.

Well, I feel like I should be writing something right now, but I am not really sure what to say. I guess I will start with what has happened the past couple days. So, I talked to the psychologist like last Friday because I still had an appointment with him. I would have cancelled because I didn’t really see a point but I don’t really mind him so I went. I told him that I had stopped the antidepressants and pretty much told him that I was just waiting for whatever happened. He asked what I meant and I told him that I could either continue as is, or I could die. That obviously concerned him though he didn’t really show it. Anyways, I guess after I left he called the therapist I was seeing. Oh, I did mention to him that I felt like the counseling center had washed their hands of me etc. So then that night the therapist e-mailed me and said that she had talked to the psychologist and wanted to see me. Again, didn’t really see the point, but I still had that part of me that was desperately fighting for help so I went. So yesterday I went in and met with her and she basically just explained what had happened and said that she didn’t realize that there was no way I would ever take her recommendation because it was at a hospital.

Ok, so I kinda need to rant but I found out that I can’t actually publish these entries because of the stupid Nazis. Lol, that is what one of my friends nicknames Public Safety because they basically hunted me down because one of my friends back home called them. Idk if I have explained that or not. Basically I was ranting to one of my friends about that fact that I was supposed to die last weekend. It was Friday and I had planned on stopping my meds the next day and I was having a horrible day and basically I was just talking to a friend about it. The friend that I was talking to doesn’t care. She thinks that I should be able to kill myself if I want to. Actually she tends to encourage it. Obviously I am not dead yet, and she was making fun of me for it and keeps telling me to go kill myself everytime I rant about how horrible things are going. Basically another friend found the messages, called public safety and I had hell. But I no longer feel like writing so I am going to stop. I am probably going to paste messages from a conversation I am having because it goes into more detail of the huge internal conflict I am having right now.

[09:52 PM] Me: dammit I feel horrible

[09:52 PM] K: im sorry

[09:52 PM] K: the same thing?

[09:53 PM] Me: horribly depressed

[09:53 PM] Me: the stupid thing is, that now that I took meds, not taking them makes me worse then before

[09:54 PM] K: you could kill urself

[09:54 PM] Me: I should

[09:55 PM] Me: I don't know why I am supposed to see the shrink lady

[09:55 PM] Me: well they want me to go back

[09:55 PM] K: lol

[09:55 PM] Me: cuz I told the psychologist that there was absolutely no way that I am going to the hospital

[09:56 PM] Me: I think the shrink lady had to have known that when she gave me the referral

[09:56 PM] K: yeah

[09:56 PM] K: shes a dumbass

[09:56 PM] Me: she did it to wash her hands of me

[09:57 PM] Me: because if she gave me a referal, even though she had to know that there was no way I was going to do it, it takes away her liability

[09:57 PM] Me: cuz if she just stopped seeing me knowing that I was a danger and then I died, she could be held responcible for it

[09:58 PM] Me: the referal thing wasn't to help me cuz there is no way that it would ever happen... it was simply to protect them

[09:58 PM] K: yeah i know what you are talking about

[10:01 PM] Me: I told the psychologist that, and it was obvious that he didn't like the situation at all because I could obviously die very easily and pretty much expect to, but at least he respects me enough to not flip out and go tell authorities

[10:01 PM] Me: but I guess after I left he talked w/ the shrink lady, and so now she wants to talk to me for a few minutes... lol, maybe guilt :-P

[10:01 PM] K: lol

[10:01 PM] K: maybe

[10:02 PM] Me: well the counseling center here has done a good job of getting rid of any legal liability but maybe for some reason the shrink lady decided to care if I am dead or not... I know that the head of the counseling center couldn't care less but I think the shrink lady might care a little bit

[10:03 PM] K: maybe

[10:03 PM] K: lol

[10:03 PM] K: a little

[10:03 PM] Me: lol

[10:07 PM] K: lol

[10:08 PM] Me: Should I even try??

[10:08 PM] Me: that is my current predicament

[10:08 PM] K: even try what

[10:08 PM] Me: life

[10:08 PM] Me: well I am obviously not dead yet

[10:08 PM] K: i dunno, do you think that it will get better?

[10:09 PM] K: i mean, you have to have the confidence in yourself

[10:09 PM] Me: but things are going pretty badly and I don't think that I am going to be able to not be horribly depressed if I stay off the meds because my brain isn't going to adapt very well even long term

[10:09 PM] K: yeah

[10:09 PM] Me: I don't have confidnece... haven't for years

[10:09 PM] Me: but I mean... is it even worth it

[10:09 PM] Me: I thought I had a chance with the shrink lady

[10:09 PM] Me: that is why I was stupid and started to trust her

[10:10 PM] Me: she isn't that bad, it is the head of the counseling center that basically screwed me over and gave me the death sentence...

[10:10 PM] Me: for some reason I can't seem to completely overcome the stupid part of me that fights to live no matter how badly I want to die

[10:11 PM] Me: but I am to the point that even strangling myself does not cause me enough pain

[10:11 PM] Me: I figure I will just continue getting depressed and keep pushing it until I "accidentally" kill myself

[10:12 PM] K: lol

[10:12 PM] Me: I expected to die right away

[10:12 PM] Me: but it obviously didn't work out

[10:12 PM] Me: I didn't start feeling the mood part until like a week after being off the meds

[10:13 PM] Me: I think the physically sick stuff was me going through withdrawal but now that I no longer have any meds in my system I am left with the long term effects of having stopped

[10:13 PM] K: yeah

[10:13 PM] Me: as is, I am probably going to end up killing myself

[10:13 PM] Me: I don't really know when

[10:14 PM] Me: and it unfortunately didn't happen quickly

[10:14 PM] Me: but I can't survive like this

[10:14 PM] Me: so I am basically just waiting

[10:14 PM] K: yeah

[10:14 PM] K: thats about all you can do

[10:14 PM] Me: but I know what the outcome is going to be, even if I don't know when it is going ot happen

[10:14 PM] Me: the only way that I could possibly survive is by trying to go back

[10:15 PM] K: yeah

[10:15 PM] K: which you dont want to do

[10:15 PM] Me: not really

[10:15 PM] Me: idk

[10:16 PM] Me: it doesn't seem worth it

[10:16 PM] Me: for a while I thought that maybe I had a chance, but now it seems impossible

[10:17 PM] Me: idk what I want right now

[10:17 PM] Me: but I know that if I don't do something then I am going to die

[10:17 PM] Me: and in a way I don't care... I am not scared of death and I accepted a long time ago that my life would probably end by my own hands

[10:18 PM] K: well

[10:18 PM] K: you have to do what you feel you can handle

[10:18 PM] K: and what is worth doing

[10:19 PM] K: im not going to tell you to live or to die because its really none of my business and to try to tell someone what they should do is selfish

[10:19 PM] Me: yah, I hate ppl that do that

[10:19 PM] K: but you have to figure out whether you have a plan for yourself as far as if you do live, as in, is there a point to live

[10:20 PM] Me: I mean, in a way I want to live... I want to have that happily ever after (I know that's a bit extreme but you know what I mean)

[10:20 PM] Me: I mean, I am an engineer, I am applying to go work for Microsoft, I have the grades, I am intelligent enough... outwardly it seems like I could so easily be successful and have things work out

[10:21 PM] K: yeah

[10:21 PM] K: but you need the confidence

[10:22 PM] K: and you have to want it

[10:23 PM] Me: I guess it is more of the idea that idk if death is what I really want

[10:24 PM] Me: I mean, I don't necessarily want death, I have basically just accepted it because I can't see any other options for my life (and that crap about suicide being a permanent solution to a temporary probably is complete BS because my hell is anything but temporary)

[10:25 PM] Me: I probably could survive if I really fought for it... I have been through more hell in my life than most people can even begin to imagine... but idk if it is worth it

[10:27 PM] K: well, i dont know really what to tell you. im not going to steer you in one direction or another. you have to figure not just career wise, but family wise. family is often a persons greatest achievement. just think about what could be if you really wanted it.

[10:28 PM] Me: I know...

Lol, so yah. That is basically what is going through my head right now. I obviously got rid of my friend’s name because I don’t want stupid ppl to get all pissed at her for not conforming to their opinion of helping me. I really don’t know what I am going to do at the moment. I am supposed to see the shrink lady sometime this week. She will probably e-mail me sometime tomorrow with when. I figure I have until then to figure out if I am going to live or die. Lol, no pressure or anything. If I can’t seem to figure out I will just go to the shrink lady and see what happens tho I am hoping to know what I am doing before hand because that will determine how I react to her. If I can’t figure it out, which is totally possible, then I think I am going to go in there and basically be really blunt. I want to ask her what she thinks. I want to know what is going on and how much of the hell that has happened she had control of. At that point it pretty much won’t matter. Basically I can go in there and will probably sabotage myself with the rare chance things go ok. Lol. I seem to do this a lot. Tho unfortunately the doing everything possible wrong w/ stopping the meds didn’t work out as planned. Whatever. I anticipated to start feeling the depression and stuff far sooner. Instead I just got really physically sick. Now I am like done with the withdrawal though so I am just left with the horrible depression. I figure if worse comes to worse and I will go to the shrink lady and nothing will happen and then I will simply return to waiting to die. Well, I guess the absolute worse would be her flipping out and calling authorities or trying to put me in the hospital. Luckily she doesn’t seem to be the type to do that but I guess I should always be prepared for the worse. I could pretty much just lie my way out of it though. I am an adult now and I have managed to lie my way out of far worse situations when I was a minor. *sigh* I guess I feel slightly less stressed now that I sorta have a plan. Even though it is a pretty crappy one. Lol. Whatever. My life doesn’t have neat organized plans. Things don’t just all work out in the end.

Ok, it is really hard for me to focus right now but I feel that I should write. Even though I haven’t written in my blog in a long time I guess I feel that I need to do a final entry. Well, I think it is going to be my final entry. At this moment I don’t really know. I guess I should probably give a little background that lead up to the situation that I am currently in. Idk if I ever wrote about it in here, but since I came to RIT I started seeing a therapist. It was something that I promised myself I would do when I got on my own and didn’t have to deal with all of the crap of being a minor. Also, I later realized that I did it partly because of KR. I still had the need to seek her approval even though I hadn’t seriously talked to her in a really long time. I think I have since no longer felt the need to seek her approval although there are still times that I really want to talk to her. Anyways, I went into the counseling office terrified. I did the intake and the therapist gave me a referral to go the health center to talk to a psychologist. He did his little intake and decided to put me on meds for depression. At first he put me on like the generic version of Prozac. That didn’t work out well. It ended up making me incredibly depressed and so I had to stop. Even though I was already exhausted by it all and still terrified I decided to let him try putting me on a different medication. He put me on Celexa which did kinda help but kept me from sleeping. After a week without sleep and my body crashing from exhaustion he put me on Trazadone to help me sleep. Since then he has increased my dosage of both which probably don’t help as much as they should but it makes my life slightly easier. Before fall break he doubled my dosage of the Trazadone. The first day that I got back I had a major panic attack. I have never had one before. I ended up in the back of an ambulance for the first time. That absolutely sucked considering that I am deathly afraid of hospitals. Since then I have had 3 more major panic attacks. Only one other one they called the ambulance and the 2 this week my friends were there and they know I hate hospitals so they just sat with me. My friends have actually been really amazing about it and knew I didn’t like ppl freaking out and didn’t like hospitals so they just sat and kept on eye on me to make sure nothing bad happened. Anyways, back to the shrink. At first seeing her really suxed. She didn’t understand me at all and so she didn’t know how to handle me which was frustrating. Plus I was scared of the whole situation and didn’t trust her at all. For some reason I continued going. I guess I still had that small hope that somehow my life could someday be better. As time went on I started to explain things like my dissociation and stuff. That kinda made things better because it helped her to understand why I reacted the way I did. I can talk about all of this really horrible stuff and I simply smile about it which I think really confused her. As I kept seeing her I kinda started to trust her. That was probably an idiotic thing to do. It was nice to have someone to talk to about all of the stuff that I normally just analyze in my head. Unfortunately I was stupid and allowed myself to start to actually open up. I told her about the whole asphyxiation thing. Definitely a mistake, because that kinda freaked everyone out. I also told her about my indifference to death. The combination of the two apparently got several people around the counseling center really concerned about me. I know it was an idiotic thing to do but I was trying to be honest. I also sometimes tend to underestimate how other people will react to things. Since death is pretty much a regular part of life I am pretty indifferent regarding it and so I sometimes don’t realize how scary it is for other people. I guess I should probably explain that a little bit because I have never taken the time to do that in here and it kinda helps explain how I am. I have kinda known this for a while but only recently consciously accepted it because it made me feel insane. Ok, so I kinda have two separate aspects of my personality. They aren’t separate personalities and I am completely aware of both but it is a coping mechanism that I adapted and it kinda went to the extreme. Anyways, there is the bad part of me that is really destructive. This is the part that pretty much always wants to die or hurt myself etc. It is my self hatred and never being good enough and depression and basically lots of bad stuff. For years this part of me has always existed but no one really knew about it. I guess separating it as a distinct aspect of my personality allowed me to not acknowledge it in daily life. Most of this part of my personality is really scary and unacceptable to other people. For me though, it is just a part of who I am and I accept it. Then there is the other part of my personality which is completely opposite. This part probably has more good aspects because it is the part that is striving for success and always fighting to live. It is the part of me that wanted to get help and strived to be perfect. I guess even though it is the “good” aspect of my personality it is also kinda detrimental because I constantly work towards things that I cannot possibly achieve. This is the part of my personality that wants to be absolutely perfect in everything and since suicide is a “bad” thing it is considered unacceptable. Then of course there is “me”. It is the part of myself that lives daily life. It is the part that is just trying to balance everything that is going on and just survive. I guess the problem is that no one really knows about all of this. It has allowed me to survive but the internal conflict can be very difficult at times. I have often felt frustrated because I cannot win a war when the greatest enemy is myself. It is like a constant war over some as fundamental as whether or not to live or die. This whole thing also makes it extremely difficult for other people to deal with me when I do try to seek help. I often have two completely contradicting desires and I will choose one or the other based on a particular moment. This is what made it so difficult for KR when I tried to talk to her. The part of me that wants to survive would get desperate when things were going badly so I would go to her seeking help. However, she was legally obligated to report what was going on and when she did I freaked out. Then within an instant my desires would instantly change to wanted to escape and die. Also this all makes it very difficult for me to talk to anyone at all. People can’t understand the “bad” part of me. The fact that I pretty much always have a part of me that want to hurt myself and die is really scary for people on the outside. They fear that since I have these desires I could kill myself at any given moment. I guess technically that’s true but for me it is simply a reality that I accept. I honestly can’t remember the last time I actually was happy with my life and wanted to live. However, even though all of this is a constant for me, as soon as I try to go to someone else about it they instantly freak out and try to take away my control of my own life. That is the thing that probably freaks me out most. I am obsessive about having complete control over my life. I try to control everything including my emotions. Since I have the ability to separate my thoughts into the two different aspects of my personality I actually have the ability to manipulate my own mind to some extent. That is a really weird thing to do. I can know something yet push that knowledge out of the working part of my mind and convince myself of something else even though I don’t fully believe it. I know, it’s really complicated and I don’t even fully understand it. It was something that I used to do when I was being destructive. I guess it was my loop hole. Before it was far more of a conscious effort to manipulate my mind but now it is far easier. I would choke myself wanting to kill myself and pushing it so it was dangerous but I would convince my working part of my mind that I wasn’t actually going to die. This was my way of getting around the fact that neither of the aspects of my personality could completely win out. The battle always because more extreme when things were going badly in my life. The part of me that wanted to die would be desperately fighting for suicide and the part of me that strived to be perfect would desperately fight to live. By manipulating my mind and deliberately doing dangerous stuff without the full intent of death gave me a loop hole. The therapist actually said that she was concerned about me accidentally kill myself and I simply said that I didn’t really care but didn’t explain how that was sorta the intention. Anyways, I got really off my main topic there. So basically I was stupid and started to open up the therapist about things that are more dangerous. Basically she had to report to other people and so my psychologist as well as several people from the counseling center got all freaked out about me. I went for my appointment before winter break and apparently they were all freaked out about me going home. My therapist said that I had to talk to the head of the counseling center because it was “procedure.” I wasn’t happy about that but I didn’t really have a choice. So the head of the counseling center comes in and basically says that she is going to call my mom. I freaked out. I tried to explain to her how bad that would be but she had already made the decision before she came and talked to me. It was one of those stupid things were people ask my opinion but couldn’t care less what I actually say because they have already made their decision. I guess they think it will somehow make me less pissed if they pretend to care what I think. So anyways, I was obviously really pissed and overwhelmed after that. I didn’t do anything that night because I was completely overwhelmed but I choked myself pretty badly the next night. I ended up with extreme headaches for a couple days but nothing permanent. I don’t quite remember if that was the day that I almost did it or if that was another day but at one point I was pretty close. I had the scarf twisted around my neck for quite a while and was on the bathroom floor slouched against the wall. I was kinda close to passing out and so I probably could have done it but for some reason I decided to stop. I honestly don’t know why and I am sure that people are going to try to find some deep reason but honestly I just decided that I didn’t feel like doing it at that moment. I am pretty indifferent to death so this kind of thing doesn’t really matter to me. Anyways, after that I was pretty much just floating. Going home ended up not being that bad. I guess they didn’t tell my mom too much which is probably good. I still didn’t want to see any of them every again though. When I got back I was really stressed and basically things weren’t going well. My therapist contacted me and asked me to see her for one last time. I did that yesterday. It only lasted like 15 mins and she basically gave me a recommendation to go get counseling at the local hospital and basically just washed her hands of me. I am definitely not going to do that because I am terrified of hospitals, I have no insurance and it is expensive, plus I really don’t want to ever see anymore counselors at this point. Going to the counseling center here was my one chance at it. I wasn’t really sure about it in the first place and things went badly as I expected they would. Now she has washed her hands of me just like so many other people have done in the past. It was a bit sad and I felt kinda upset when I left but I guess it isn’t too bad. I have learned to simply expect people to betray me and expect them to give up on me so I don’t really get upset when they do. Anyways, I was thinking about killing myself on Friday but then a bunch of crap happened. After seeing the therapist I was in a bad mood cuz I had a horrible day and I was stressed and basically things weren’t going well. I was text messaging one of my friends about it and apparently when of my other friends saw the messages and freaked out. I knew that the friend I was texting wouldn’t freak out because we have really horrible morbid conversations like that all of the time. Plus she believes that if I want to kill myself I should be able to, which is cool. I mean, why should other people force me be alive when I don’t want to. It is my life and it is my hell and they can’t understand what I am going through. I have accepted my fate and I am ok with it. Other people are simply afraid of death and therefore they feel the need to cling to life no matter what. Well, I really need to wrap up this entry because I just now got back from public safety. Anyways basically the friend saw the text message and freaked out and told another friend and they decided to call public safety. And now they have blown the entire thing way out of proportion. Public safety came to my room yesterday and apparently were talking to my roommate but luckily she doesn’t know anything and so she said I was fine. So they then came and searched me out at work. That suxed. So then I had a bunch of people swarming around me. There was the head of residence life and several public safety people and they even had the paramedics come. It was so stupid. And so then I come back and I am really stressed and feeling betrayed but I finally figured out what happened. So then today apparently they called public safety again. So I just got back from having to go down to the public safety office and give a statement and talk to a crisis counselor and it basically all sucked. Honestly, the more that people get involved and bug me the more I want to do it. I seriously want it all to go away and they are all just stressing me out more. But yah, that is basically a not so short summary of what has been going on lately in my life and why I am planning this. But for all those who are going to freak out, it is my choice, there is absolutely nothing that you could have done. This is my hell to live and you can’t even begin to understand what I have had to endure to lead to this decision. I’m sorry to those who disagree but I have accepted my fate and hopefully you can too.

So yah. I have found being stuck at random travel locations as a good time to actually write in my blog. Go figure. I am currently stuck at the airport in Rochester on Christmas Eve. My plane is running late so now I am not going to get back until late. I guess that is the only thing that has gone wrong so far today. Although this trip has just started so there are a lot of things that could yet go wrong. Plus I don’t think I am going to make it back in time for Christmas Even dinner. Honestly I don’t really care that much but everyone else is all upset about it. I don’t see it as a big deal but I guess it would be better to actually get there on time just to make everyone else happy. Oh, and my shoulder is hurting really really badly which sux. I am currently in this cool little business center thing at the airport tho. It’s pretty nice cuz I can sit here and be on my laptop and basically just hang out and relax for a while as I wait for my plane. I was getting really stressed as I came here. I am having to be really careful with my anxiety level lately.

I guess I should write a random update of my life considering that I haven’t actually done that in literally forever. I am not going to try to write my life store or any type of overall recap I guess just what has been going on lately. Pretty much at the moment I am not sure what is going on with my life. I tried going to a shrink at RIT and at first I hated it but I went. Then as it went on I started to trust her. I actually wanted to go each week which is an amazing thing for me. However, being an absolutely idiot I decided to actually tell the truth, as in way more then I should have said. I told her about having suicidal tendencies and how it is pretty much always a part of my life. I also told her about the choking myself. That was a bad thing to do cuz apparently everyone got all freaked out about that one. Anyways, as I was getting ready to go on break everyone there was getting all concerned and crap about me hurting myself while I go home. So they decided that they were going to go call my mom. Like I went in there for my normal session thing and she said that I had to have a meeting with her boss. I honestly didn’t want to but she said that it was just policy because she was getting concerned about me. It’s not like there was anything that I could do. So her boss came in and basically said that she was going to call my mom. I wanted to scream at her. She asked my opinion but it’s not like she cared about what I thought.

Well it looks like my entry about my life didn’t get very far cuz I got sick and had to leave the business center. Now I feel horrible. I did manage to sleep a little bit on the plane. I am in Philadelphia at the moment waiting for another plane. Usually I can’t sleep on planes but I am about to pass out at the moment. It’s not like I don’t have enough to add to everything. I probably shouldn’t have attempted to eat this morning. Actually I am hungry but I feel like I am going to throw up so I don’t think I am going to even try to eat.

Anyways, I guess back to my story of what is going on in my life. So the shrink lady called my mom about me. Well her boss did. Despite me repeatedly telling them that they were just making my life worse. She decided that it wasn’t good for me to go home with such a big secret. That made me want to scream at her. It is my secret. It is my life. I have lived for years with this secret and I don’t need her to tell the world for me. So yah, after that I was pretty much just pissed at the world. I had to see the psychologist the next day and I almost didn’t go but I would get fined $50 by the health center if I didn’t show up so I did. He actually wasn’t that bad. He didn’t know about what happened. He actually was really understanding about me never wanting to see the shrink ever again, but also said that legally he couldn’t give me meds if I stopped. I guess I was happy with how he reacted because he gave me the reality of the situation but threat me like some stupid child for my decisions. So now I have drugs for like the next month and then I run out and probably go through serious withdraw. I was originally going to just stop abruptly so I could kill myself but now I figure I will wait out the month. I don’t think I will make it through stopping the medications that I am taking tho I don’t care all that much at this point. The stupid lady that decided to call my mom pretty much gave me a death sentence when she did. I knew that and I tried to convey that but my opinion didn’t really matter. I have to figure that out. I guess I am trying to be less irrational and just stopping everything without saying anything but I still don’t want to go back. They betrayed my trust. I expected this to happen from the very beginning but was stupid and had some blind hope that maybe it would be different this time. I don’t even know why I went there in the first place. For some reason I feel the need to randomly reach for blind hope. I try for stupid things that I know won’t work and always seem to regret them in the long run. Now I am even less stable, less independent, and I have the issue that I am taking meds and probably wont’ survive the withdrawal from them.

Anyways, I am hoping that my next plane will get here soon so that I can get going so I guess I should turn my laptop off. That is a random travel update of what is going on in my life. Plus it is probably good to have it down just for people to know why I did it. Actually this kinda blames the lady at the counseling center for my death. Whatever. She gave me the death sentence, I must live it out. I generally try to avoid people feeling blame as much as possible but I am kinda at the point that I don’t really care. I let myself believe that I had a chance however slim it may have been. I let myself be weak and now I have to suffer. *sigh* It’s life. You would think that I would learn from idiotic mistakes but somehow that blind hope creeps in every once in a while. It’s ok, my hope, however blind, has now been crushed and my life can come to it’s horrible end as I have expected for years.

Well, I am highly suicidal at the moment and currently stranded in a train station so I decided to write an entry in my blog. Actually I am writing this on Word because I don’t have internet access here. But I really feel the need to basically sit and rant about all of the things that have managed to go wrong today/yesterday. Let’s see, starting with last night. Pretty much the main bad thing was the weather. There was a big storm w/ lots of warnings and conviently was from like 6 pm to 7 am so we had to drive right in the middle of it. Like by the time we finally got to the train station things had started to clear up. The driving was awful. Luckily my mom was driving or else I would probably have been flipping out more. It was hailing and then turned to like a rain/freezing rain that instantly turned to ice when it touched something. My mom is like an overly cautious driver and so she was driving extremely slow which was stressing me out because I didn’t think we would get there in time. Oh, and semi’s kept passing us and everytime they did they would toss up a blinding amount of slush at our windshield. My mom was like flipping out and yelling at the semi’s and basically it just suxed. And even though we left at like 1 instead of 2 am we were running late, so I was sitting the entire time freaking out that I would miss my train because there isn’t another one for 24 hours. To add to my insane amount of stress, the guy that was supposed to pick me up texted me saying that he wasn’t going to now because of the weather. I told him that the storm would be long gone by the time I needed to be picked up but he decided no. At this point it is already 2 am so I can’t call anyone else to try to get a ride then so I figured I would do it today. Anyways, we finally get to the train station like 10 minutes late but the train ended up being an hour and a half late. Because it was so late I asked my mom to go see if she could get McDonalds because I hadn’t slept at all and hadn’t eaten in like 12 hours. She went out and left me with my brother. I guess the one good thing is that I didn’t go with her because she ended up getting totally lost. So then I was stressing about her getting back in time for my train and my brother was there and basically freaking out again. So at like 5:40 I finally got on the train and thought that things would be better. I sat next to this girl that apparently lives on my floor but I didn’t know that until I sat next to her. We didn’t talk much tho because she pretty much slept the entire time. I tried to sleep for like the first 2 hours but couldn’t. Oh, I forgot. To add to all the stress of really dangerous roads, and being late, I couldn’t breathe. I had my nebulizer in my backpack but I couldn’t use it in the car because there was no place to plug it in and I was too afraid of being late to stop somewhere to try to use it. So for the first part of the ride I had really sharp chest pains and then for the rest of the ride it just felt like I was suffocating. I tried to sleep on the train but still couldn’t breathe well and couldn’t relax because it wasn’t comfortable so after 2 hours I just gave up. I went over to the snack car and got one of those little boxes of cereal. As I was walking back I saw that there are little plugs by the seats so I decided to use my nebulizer to try to help me breathe. I took that and then watched an episode of Stargate just to try to relax. Anyways, as it started getting later and people would actually be getting up I decided to try to get a ride because the stupid guy that bailed on me. I called Kira because she said that she would get me before we left for break but I couldn’t get a hold of her. So I was calling different people and couldn’t find anyone. So then I was really stressing out. I asked the girl next to me if I could get a ride with her but she said that she was getting a taxi with her friends and there wouldn’t be room. Basically she didn’t want to ride with me, but whatever. So then for the last hour+ of the trip I was sitting there being really stressed about how I was going to get back to RIT. Then I got to the train station and I was hoping that I would be able to figure something out but I didn’t know what to do. I went out and asked one of the taxi drivers how much it would be to get a taxi back to RIT and he said $30. I don’t have that much money with me. I can’t really afford that in the first place but I didn’t have that much cash with me. So then I start calling everyone I could think of. I even called my RA and asked if he could take me. Pretty much no one was answering the phone which suxs. So I was getting pretty desperate so I asked the guy at the ticket window if/when a bus came here. He said that only 2 came on Sunday. There is one that comes in an hour so I guess it is almost a good thing that my train was really late getting here. So now I am sitting alone in a train station waiting for a bus that I hope I can afford to try to get back to RIT. Oh, and I was supposed to work today but my train was supposed to get here at 11 and I was supposed to have a ride. So pretty much everything that could possibly go wrong today has gone wrong. I have had such an insane amount of stress, no sleep, and almost no food and I am about to flip out. I called a friend but she just laughed at me. I would call my mom but there is nothing that she could do and she would just freak out. I might end up telling her later but not while I am still sitting here stranded in the stupid train station.

So anyways, that is pretty much everything that has gone wrong in like the last 12 hours. Overall I have been having a really hard time being home. Like as soon as I got home it was rough. When we arrived it didn’t feel like home at all, which was kinda weird for me cuz I pretty feel like I don’t really have a home anymore. Like I never really felt like I was really a part of the family but at least I had my room. It was my sactuary and my prison but it was a place for me to be sorta at home. Now I don’t have that. So I pretty much got really depressed really fast at home. Then I started wanting to kill myself purely because I could do it easily at home and couldn’t at RIT. I mean I have rope and rafters in the barn so I could easily do it and I didn’t really have means at RIT so I was going to do it while I could. Then I decided that I would wait if I could figure out a way to do it at RIT. So I was like obsessed with that for a couple days. I read lots of those guide to suicide things which really don’t bother me at all anymore, not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. I finally figured out a way to strangle myself using a scarf and my brush. I like it because I am not limited by resources and it is easy. Then I started experimenting with it. I tried one scarf for a while and did it the first time just to try but then I tried to push it and realized that it wouldn’t actually work. So then I tried one of the fuzzy scarves that I knitted. That one works a lot better. I figured out how to do it so it cuts off the blood to my brain and I would lose conciousness pretty quickly. I came pretty close once. I was pretty dizzy and out of it and I just wanted to lay down and I almost did. Then I all of a sudden realized that I couldn’t and quickly tried to get it off as fast as possible. The brush part got caught in my hair but I got it loose enough so I could breathe and get blood to my brain so I was ok. Anyways, I so I guess that is my method. I really wanted to do it several times while I was at home but I decided that it would be better to wait. It would be easier on my mom and family. I am not very close to my roommates so I figure it would be easier if they found the body verses my mom. Plus I would be far away so it would bring less guilt. I know that there would be guilt and I know that it would be horrible for them but I am trying to minimize it as much as possible. But yah, the reason I pretty much became so suicidal is because I was really depressed being home but I didn’t really want to go back. I didn’t really want to deal with the stress of RIT. I figured if I couldn’t deal with home and didn’t want to be back then there was no place for me. The horrible 12 hours that I have had trying to get back definitely hasn’t helped. I currently feel like I have no true friends at RIT, I don’t want to deal with school but if I don’t have college then I have nothing. I have no future. So I figure if there is no future then why suffer through the present. But anyways, I probably won’t do anything tonight just because I am so incredibly exhausted that I really need to just crash. Like I am just staying in a state of extremely high stress because I know if I try to relax and realize my surroundings at the moment I am going to have a mental breakdown. Like I will have to deal with it at some point but the ability to block things out even if temporarily is incredibly helpful. But anyways, the bus is supposed to come in 15 minutes so I should probably stand out front and try to get on that. Hopefully it is cheap, and hopefully I manage to get back safely.